Strength will rise as we WAIT upon the Lord

After much prayer we started trying to start a family this month!! Right now, lots of life is up in the air with my job situation and thus our finances. But, this is what the Lord laid on our hearts and we have both wanted to be parents for a long time so it was very exciting to us both! Based on dates, we knew we would know if we were pregnant just before Christmas and we kind of set our hearts on giving everyone a pregnancy under the tree.

The Sunday before Christmas (12/19), we found out we were not pregnant?!?! I thought I was ok with it until I crawled back into bed and told Paul "no baby under the tree." Then I lost it. Sobbing. Crying. Questioning. "Lord, why did you tell each of us that we should start trying in December if this was not your plan?!?!" Devastated, disappointed and discouraged I got up to get dressed for church. As we were heading to church, I realized that this was no coincidence...the Lord knew and planned this to occur on THIS day.

I walked through the church doors and smiled at people, said hello, yet felt like I was going through the motions. What I really wanted to do was curl up in bed and cry. At the beginning of service, we filed into the choir loft and as the words of praise came from my lips, tears flowed from my eyes. I lifted my hands to praise my God and tears flowed from my eyes. Kie began his sermon from Luke 1 --the subject: Waiting on the Lord. Luke 1 starts with the story of Zechariah and Elizabeth: childless, barren, and well along in years. I sat staring at my bible in shock...

I have always clung to Luke 1:37 ("For nothing is impossible with God.") but never considered the context. I never even noticed that this verse is from the lips of an angel specifically referring to Elizabeth who was barren and yet in her sixth month of pregnancy. Really?!! Are you serious??! Today, the day I was hoping to be bubbling over with joy but instead am full of disappointment? Today, a Sunday morning when He knew we'd be in church. Today, a message laid on Kie's heart about waiting and worshipping in the waiting. Today, a message about waiting applied to waiting on a baby!??!

As I sat listening (and crying) Kie continued to explain who this baby was. This was John the Baptist--the birth of the one who would be the "forerunner of Jesus." The one who fulfilled "a crucial, significant role in the Christmas, as well as the Christian, story...The unexpected blessing of this child came in the context of a worship service." His next statement came straight from Heaven to my ears: "Before God gives us the physical blessings that He has in his hand, He wants to prepare our hearts to receive it." And then I realized:

• While I might think my heart is ready, the Lord created my heart and knows for sure the perfect timing for everything!
• Elizabeth and Zechariah were ready for years preceding their pregnancy but the world was not ready for John the Baptist until this appointed time. Had he been born following their first prayer for a child, the impact on the Christmas and Christian story would have been drastically altered (Note: my conclusion here is NOT that the Nixon children will be the next John the Baptist. My conclusion is that perhaps in addition to my deep-seeded desire to have children, the Lord has a divine and perfectly planned sphere of influence for each of our children. A role that would be drastically altered if their  world is not fully ready and prepared for their presence.).
• EUREKA! This is not all about me!! Not my favorite realization, but noteworthy nevertheless. (My little sister got engaged this same Sunday--it was right that this Christmas season was a celebration of her engagement, rather than a celebration of both her engagement and our baby.)
• God's word is constant and unaltering. BUT, through His power and wisdom, He can use the same passage and/or verse to speak different truths to us based on where we are at that moment.

Kie concluded with "The last thing on their minds was the next thing on God's list." This is a wonderfully simple truth about my wonderfully complex God. Strength will rise as we wait upon the Lord....yes it does. Waiting on the Lord does not mean sitting on the couch waiting for the burning bush to appear. It means, being real with God, praying expectantly and waiting with anticipation to see HOW He shows up!

I would love to say that after the service I didn't cry again--but I did. Monday and Tuesday were hard and I found myself in the car, unable to stop singing praise songs and also unable to stop crying. 1 Thessalonians 5:18 says "In all things give thanks, for this is the will of Christ Jesus." It doesn't say "for all things."

I praised God in my sadness, tears and pain--and it was some of the sweetest worship I can remember.

Shaking things up...

When the plan for a blog was hatched, I had been talking about it with my bible study girls and separately with Paul. So when I took the leap to start blogging I started two separate blogs and that's just crazy! So I have combined them both and gave the newly-combined blog a makeover! I hope you enjoy reading all the nutty happenings and wonderful revelations in my Righteously Spunky-Jesus Whirlwind of a life!!

Enjoy!!

Day 355: Thanksgiving 2010

Oh, Thanksgiving....a time to eat waaaaaay more than we should and enjoy every bite!! Everyone has their own customs, traditions, menu and image of how Thanksgiving should be....and then you get married and suddenly the image has to change! While most couples deal with at least one Thanksgiving together prior to being married, Paul and I are still a few days away from our first date anniversary. Thus, just before Halloween we started to discuss how this Thanksgiving would go and how we'd get to see everyone...

my mom, his mom, my dad and stepmom, his dad and stepmom...

...the only thing concluded from this conversation was that we would clearly have a lot of driving followed by a lot of turkey. While this did not seem overwhelmingly appealing, we resolved that it would be nice to see everyone and with everyone in the Dallas area, this would not be quite the crisis it first appeared. Then the phone rang...

My stepmom, Gerry, called with an interesting proposition. "Since everyone wants to see you guys, why don't we all do Thanksgiving together? One person can host and the rest of us can bring all the food. Do you think everyone would go for that? I just think that would save y'all some driving."

At first, I was not sure what to say because the better part of my life has been spent balancing both sides of my family; honestly only getting them together for major events (graduations and most recently, my wedding). I hung up the phone and Paul called his mom who said they would love to do this. Paul's dad would be visiting family in North Carolina but his stepmom would be happy to attend and bring food. Since this was Gerry's idea, clearly she and dad were on board so I called mom. She was also on board and wanted to host it at her house. I hung up the phone and just sort of stared at Paul for a moment because I wasn't sure this had really happened....all, ALL of our family will be having Thanksgiving together...oh, ok (let that sink in for a bit).

My hostess-mother started planning immediately (napkins, tablecloths, dishes, etc)--let's just say that the apple didn't fall at all. After an evite was sent and people decided on what to bring, our family-wide Thanksgiving was really under way....surreal, but under way. Don't get me wrong, I was excited but it was laced with trepidation about how this would all work.

Paul and I drove to Dallas late Tuesday night and mom and I continued cooking Wednesday. Thanksgiving morning arrived and the house smelled like it always had--Maw Maw Weezie's dressing, turkey, gravy--yumm!! Then the door bell rang, my little sister's boyfriend, then my older sister arrived...normal crew, not strange (and more food brought more yummy smells...mmm). Then Paul's stepmom arrived followed closely by my dad, stepmom and grandmother (dad's mom)....still not strange (I just kept waiting for the other shoe to fall, the awkward silence to ensue or something). Ding-dong! My half sister and her husband. Finally our group was complete when Paul's mom, sister, niece and nephew, and family friend arrived. Everyone unloaded their dishes, the turkey was beautifully brown and at 2pm Paul blessed this wonderful meal.

Following the prayer, Paul's mom got emotional remembering last Thanksgiving when Paul so desperately wanted to get married. I remember having the same feeling--if someone had told me last year that I would be a newlywed of 8 1/2 months this Thanksgiving I wouldn't have believed them (but a part of me would have been hoping). BUT, if someone had told me that I would not only be married but also have my ENTIRE family under one roof for Thanksgiving I would have laughed in their face. Looks like I'm the one to be laughed at...and what's more--everyone was themselves...

• Mom requested that the red plates remain on the red table and the green and brown plates remain on the green and brown table so that pictures would look better (again, this apple didn't fall from the tree).


• We all laughed when our technologically-challenged and resistant dad's cell phone rang at the table (with 17 people in one room, no one would have bet his would be the one to ring).


• The conversation derailed at least once, just like normal, to bizarre bodily functions.


• Paul squeezed my hand after his prayer like he always does and I just stared at his beautiful blue eyes.


• Jokes were told and memories shared.

Not only was this Thanksgiving just like so many I've had my whole life--it might just have been better. We like to say that our relationship is a "Jesus Whirlwind"--which it is! But, it has to do with so much more than us. The credit for our family enjoying Thanksgiving under one roof goes 100% to our gracious Lord and Savior--and it's exciting to see that He used our relationship and marriage to help execute part of His plan.

This is a very vivid picture of the redemptive power of Christ. We, as humans, are going to sin. Living a life free from sin takes work and daily connection to the Father--and even then, we are going to sin. BUT, when we seek Him out and are humble enough to admit that we can't do this alone, a wonderful thing starts to happen.....redemption of all our sinful decisions, desires and deeds. Not that there aren't consequences to our actions--both of our families have gone through intense pain, hurt feelings, hurtful words and hard times due to divorce. Anyone who says you can come out of divorce unchanged has never experienced it. BUT, when we invite Christ into the situation, He can take all the pain, hurt feelings, hurtful words and hard times and give them purpose. They are still there, the words may still hurt when we remember them, lost dreams may still break our hearts but through CHRIST all can be brought together as a testimony to His power and grace.

Thanksgiving 2010 was a testimony to His power and grace....and it gives me such indescribable hope for the future, for when I have children of my own. It was healing for me to have all my family enjoying--really enjoying--Thanksgiving together. And it will be a wonderful display to my children of the love they can experience with Jesus.

What was I thankful for this Thanksgiving? Jesus and the crazy wonderful family he gave me--be it from birth, marriage or along the way.

--RMN

PMS...oy!

eHealthMD says that the most common PMS symptoms are: fatigue, tension and irritability, difficulty concentrating, anger, depression, food cravings, bloating and/or headaches. They go on to say that not only are these symptoms different among women, they can also be different in the same woman from month to month. Oy!

While this laundry list of symptoms didn't really surprise me, it's also not comforting. I have spent the last week feeling as though I was losing my mind, ready to kill anyone who looks at me and essentially biting off my husbands head for no reason at all. After questioning numerous times "What is wrong with me?!?", flipping from tears to intense anger like you flip a light switch, and deciding that the only thing appetizing for dinner was Cici's pizza, I reluctantly admitted that these irrational feelings, emotional tirades and stereotypical responses aren't just something used as entertainment on sitcoms...they are real and I now experience them.

I was not happy about having to admit this but this was a far superior response to "I'm losing my mind, I'm crazy and this insanity is my new reality." First, I promised a dear friend that I would stop saying that I was crazy and truth be told, I'm not--it's not even close to the truth. The TRUTH, friends, is that as comical as it is when we watch "PMS gone wild" on sitcoms, it's how God made us women....no, I don't think he was sitting in the garden contemplating a suitable mate for Adam and thinking "I'll make her from his rib and to make things really interesting I'll make her hormones be so unbelievably unpredictable that every month things will be crazy for about a week." No, not in the least! But, I do think he created us with the proper biology to carry children so that together, Adam and Eve, could procreate (and let's be honest, whether you want children or not, our cycle each month is preparing our body for a baby; when there isn't one most months, we have our cycle). While both men and women are made of hormones and the levels of each individual hormone make us who we are, women's hormones follow the same pattern each month for a very specific and, in my opinion, divine purpose.

I also know my very intense week of PMS has more than just biological implications. In the midst of crying one morning this week, after snapping at Paul multiple times and being very impatient with other drivers, I called my cousin sobbing, having no earthly idea why I was crying. She validated my feelings and told me multiple times that I was not crazy or abnormal--though she understood why I was feeling that way. And then she said something that changed everything...."I'll be praying for you." Be it the fatigue, the irritability or the host of other symptoms, I had felt for days as if someone had been pulling on me trying to keep me from moving. With her simple yet profound words, it's like that person just let go. I was still crying for some inexplicable reason, I still wasn't in a great mood and I still desperately wanted a nap....but no one was pulling on my anymore!!

Like a flood it became clear to me....Satan is not that creative and he certainly doesn't have any new tricks. He is using the same MO he used in the garden with Eve--twisting something from the Lord to make us question His love for us. It might sound like I am reaching, but stick with me....Satan never told Eve that the Lord did not say not to eat from the tree of the knowledge of good and evil. He simply asked her "Did God really say that?" And while there was no snake in my car talking to me (thank you, Jesus), Satan was definitely the one pulling on me. He took advantage of the hormonal process that was divinely created and twisted it. I was thinking that I was crazy, that my husband was going to regret marrying me since I had screamed at him so many times, that I wasn't capable of functioning without anti-depressants (not that I have a problem with taking medicine if it's necessary) and telling myself all sorts of other lies. These lies left me in a place where I could not pray for myself because my thoughts were too clouded--clouded by a NORMAL, hormonal process. BUT, as soon as I reached for someone else who could pray for me, Satan let go. He knew he wouldn't and couldn't win so he ran away to wait for the next opportunity to pounce.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not running around skipping, waiting expectantly for my next week of PMS. But, I do feel like I have been armed with new weapons. I can't expect that hormones aren't going to make me snap at my husband again or yell at other drivers or become disproportionately upset at a small annoyance. I can, however, expect that when I am in a cloudy place where I can't pray for myself (due to PMS or otherwise--because we all get there sometimes), Satan gets scared when I reach out to others. Suddenly I remember a song from VBS way back in the day....

I've got the joy joy joy joy down in my heart! Where?! Down in my heart, to stay...
And if the devil doesn't like it, he can sit on a tack! Ouch?! Sit on a tack, to stay!

Because I love Jesus, the joy is there....even when it feels really really really DOWN in my heart....and I've got a fresh supply of tacks ready!

Ode to Normalcy

We just moved....and I thought I was the only person on earth who liked taking things directly from the moving truck and unpacking immediately. NOPE! Turns out I married someone who does the same thing. So for a week now we have both been tirelessly emptying boxes, rearranging furniture, sorting, reorganizing and searching for what must be a very full box of all the random things we can't seem to find. Before we moved, I had settled into this routine of grocery shopping and cooking for the week on one night so that meals were ready to go. For the past three weeks, we reverted to Paul's bachelor menu of sandwiches, TV dinners, and eating out.

Yesterday morning, I hit snooze and didn't hear my alarm go off again. I woke up about 20 minutes before I needed to leave. I started to get angry that I had overslept...again. My frustration started to grow as I thought "I don't have time to shower, I'll feel blah all day, why can't I get out of bed on time, what is wrong with me?!" And then I was overcome with "Maybe I just needed that extra sleep. The Lord decided I needed an extra few minutes." I got up and quickly showered, tossed my mousse in my hair and scrunched it on the way out the door. The eternally long light that I have so perfectly timed outside our complex did not change at it's scheduled 7:25am...though by the grace of God I made it to the light at that time. Instead, it changed at 7:27am. (This might appear to be only 2 minutes but there are 2 very pivotal minutes. Without them, I most assuredly will not get to work on time.) Traffic flowed with amazing speed (let me assure you that most people do NOT have anywhere important to be in the morning) and I surprisingly pulled up to work just as the clock said 7:45am. "Lord, thank you for changing my mood and getting me out of bed and to work on time. The only explanation is YOU!!"

Last night I went to HEB and stocked my basket full to make all the meals I had planned. Excited, I got home and unloaded groceries and started to cook.
Boil chicken for chicken salad...check.
Brown meat for sloppy joe's...check.
Cut veggies and prep meat for pot roast...check.
Put roast in crock pot...check.
While meat browns and chicken boils, hang pictures in guest room...check.
Hang mirror and frame in master bathroom...check.
Unpack last kitchen box...check.
Pack lunch for Paul and me...check.
Clean the dishes...check.
Stand in living room and marvel at productivity...check, check.
Stand in living room and think how exhausted I am from said productivity....CHECK!

I donned my jammies and made my way around the apartment when I was filled with a wonderful peace. There are still boxes in my dining room, an extra couch we're trying to sell, pictures that need hanging, garage sale items stacked to the ceiling in the guestroom and due to an error fixing a plug in our master bedroom we have no lights in our closet or bathroom. BUT, I was back to my normal routine and that gave me so much peace and just made this apartment feel like home. "Thank you Lord for giving me my NORMAL back. YOU started this day and you have ended it like only you can!"

It's seemingly small, but it's such a wonderfully large gift from the Lord. My normal is crazy to a lot of people and I would go crazy if I lived in anyone else's normal. But that is the beauty of our Lord...he made us so he knows what we each need to return to our normal. On top of this, HE is the only one with the tools to get us there. And even in something as small as changing our attitudes about waking up late, He is always present to remind us that He is in charge of our normal.

Day 301: Chandler and Monica

A friend wanted to borrow “The Princess Bride” movie from me so last night I opened the DVD, ahem, excuse me…Blu-Ray cabinet to begin looking for it. (Paul bought this movie a few months ago and we watched it but I wasn’t even sure if it was a Blu-Ray or a clearly inferior DVD that had been relegated to his closet with the other inferior movies.) It had been a long day and honestly I wasn’t looking that hard for it so I asked “Honey, where is ‘The Princess Bride’ movie?” His response warmed my heart to its very core, “It’s in there baby, they’re all in alphabetical order.” I slowly turned around and smiled at him over my shoulder, “How have I been married to you for almost 7 months and never known that you alphabetize our movies?!?!” He just grinned for a moment unsure if I was making fun or genuinely impressed with this trait. My heart smiled because this is 100% something that I would have done on my own, but would never ask anyone else to follow. And for almost 7 months, my husband has never mentioned this to me but undoubtedly gone behind me and fixed the movies when I have haphazardly put them back in the cabinet in whatever order they land. I’m not the only one who has compulsive ways of doing things!! How on earth did I find this man?!?! Really? Thank you Jesus!!

Then this morning as we were getting ready for work, Paul was ironing his shirt (so very attractive to have your man iron his own clothes) and we were discussing some of the Pampered Chef glass containers in which I had packed the various portions of his lunch. In true Paul fashion, he cracked a joke about the name Pampered Chef without missing a beat. As he went to put away the ironing board, I compulsively noticed that the legs were not “locked” into place appropriately so I said “Honey, honey wait! If you do it like this then the legs will be locked and stay in place.” He very graciously took my reprimand and simply replied “Ok, Monica.” At first I smiled but I could not stop from pointing a finger back, recalling the cheesy, yet comedic Chandler-esque display only moments prior. He sweetly kissed my forehead and we both laughed.

Perhaps a boring morning and interaction by Hollywood’s standards but what an absolutely PERFECT example of how the Lord perfectly matches us to one another. More than that…He matches us with our perfect mate and if we are willing to listen, gives us an appreciation for all the little quirks that make them who they are. And trust me, no one but Jesus could have made someone who could so patiently and gracefully deal with me day in and day out. But then again, no one but Jesus could have created a man who is more attractive to me simply because he alphabetizes our movies! No one, but our sweet, wonderful Savior! Thank you Lord for loving us enough to deal with all our craziness and creating another human who gets it, embraces it and loves us more because of it!

Vultures

Driving home the other day, I stumbled across vultures devouring some unidentifiable lunch. I often see them circling above fields and pastures as I drive to work and run errands; I know the circling is their way of signaling one another and stalling to see if there is any movement from, hopefully, their next meal. I have never really paid much attention to vultures before but I have also not often driven 3 feet away from them while they enjoy a meal on the small shoulder of a 2 lane highway. As I looked back in my rear-view mirror, none of them had even flinched. Though this is a small highway, cars are flying past at 55 mph yet these vultures are so consumed with the meal in front of them that their imminent danger didn't cause the slightest reaction.

See, vultures devour the dead and are not scared off by passersby. They focus on taking what they want from the dead and bank on the fact that no one is going to come verify that the life is gone from the dead.

How often do I look at non-believing friends, family and strangers and think "they're hopeless, nothing can help them now." Satan's vultures have them ensnared in something that I think is too big and simply unfixable! But if I believe that Luke 1:37 (With God, nothing shall be impossible.) then WHAT AM I DOING?!?! Simply because someone looks dead, looks like they don't have the Lord, looks like they are so deep in sin that they can't get out--does this mean the Lord can't give them the same LIFE he gave to me!?!?

I was watching the Today Show recently and they told the story of Jamie Ogg who, along with his twin sister Emily, were delivered at 27 weeks. Doctors told his parents that he was dead and presented the baby to mom to say goodbye. She placed the baby on her bare chest and despite noticeable movements, the doctor continued to tell them this was reflex and part of the "process." After 2 hours of talking to her son and telling him about the dreams she had for him, Mrs. Ogg saw Jamie take a gasping breath! Even the doctor admitted "this is a miracle" (see the full story at http://today.msnbc.msn.com/id/38988444 ). This doctor had assumed there was no life but Mrs. Ogg kept behaving as if there was hope despite the fact that she had been told otherwise.

We never know what the Lord has planned and His plan ALWAYS goes against what seems logical to the world because this world is fallen and Satan's vultures are alive and present. BUT they have not won and Christ died on a cross to redeem this fallen world. We know how the story ends--Christ will return and life will be as He intended. Until then, shouldn't it be my focus as a disciple to never assume life is gone--we need to ROCK the vultures and confidently approach the dead, knowing that life may still exist.

As I was driving "my" kiddos home the other day we turned onto their street and there on the corner was a vulture rooting around for something to eat. However, as my car made the turn, the vulture at first seemed unsure of where to go and then quickly shuffled across the street to get away from the car. I just sort of chuckled because ironically, he was a bit uneasy about being so close to a moving car--the same moving car that had flown past his friends at  much higher speed just days earlier. The difference: he had nothing o devour at the moment. Well, what if we I never gave them anything to devour? What if, each time someone behaves in an unlovable way, I love them anyway? What if I boldly "drive up" to those who appear to have no life left and confidently share what Christ can do for them? What if I NEVER give up on those that appear lifeless?

The result: Satan and his evil vultures are going to work hard to stop me but in the process, I will most assuredly grow closer to the God who loves me and provides new mercies every day! Much easier said than done but as Luke so elloquently stated: With God, nothing shall be impossible!

Day 279: $$ vs marriage, that is the question

279 days since our first date! WOW that is exciting! I got to spend my first birthday with my husband in May and tomorrow will be Paul's first birthday with his wife. We're aware most people celebrate at least one birthday together before getting married but... :-D

We planned a wedding and honeymoon on a budget, we live every day on a budget, we make social plans by consulting our budget. Not because either of us secretly wish we had been a finance major but because our current financial situation requires this diligence from us. The Lord has placed many big goals and dreams on our hearts and we know being good stewards of money and getting out of debt is one of those goals that will help us get to those dreams.


On day 323 we are moving into OUR first apartment (the apartment we live in now was mine before we got married--so this new one will be the first that is new to both of us). In looking for more space, a closer commute, good location and a good deal...a lot of conversations happened. These can be either good or bad depending on how much we allow Jesus to help us ;-)

So off we go apartment hunting....more space for a good deal- that was the mission. Paul takes care of our finances (and does a bang up job, I might add) and pays the bills and keeps me informed of where we are throughout the month. In looking at apartments, nothing was available in our exact price range so I leaned over and asked "can we swing this place for that price?" Paul's always optimistic answer was "We'll figure it out. The Lord will provide." Ok, don't get me wrong, I agree with the man. But if I waltzed over and decided to rent the luxury apartments up the road with a rent no normal person should pay, the Lord might just say "you made your bed, now you're gonna lie in it." He does provide, but he also wants us to be good stewards (a concept my husband fully grasps and agrees with, but for whatever reason I decided that his comment meant we were on opposite sides of the argument). As the conversation progressed, I started feeling more and more anxious and overwhelmed by the financial side of things (i.e. why Paul is in charge of our finances daily, not me). Deposits, application fees, movers....ahhhhhhh!

We found a GREAT place with a TON of space and signed the papers that day! Yippee! Yikes! As we sat waiting on the very busy leasing agent to complete everything and reserve our new place, Paul says "I can pick up more hours doing massage. I'm only working there one night a week."
Rachel: "I was already thinking that it might make things easier if I got a part-time job now for the weekends and that way when my job ends in December, I would at least have that and could maybe move to full time if nothing else panned out."

Paul: "You already work 10 hours a day with kids. It's easier for me to do more hours."
Rachel: "Not if it means I don't get to see you. Ever."
Paul: "It's just for a season. I don't want you getting a part-time job because you already work so much"

Note that this whole conversation occurred in hushed tones in the middle of the leasing office. Not sure who ended this back and forth but one of us finally said "We'll figure it out." (My guess is Paul ended it because I tend to keep going like the energizer bunny...especially when no real conclusion is reached. He has sooooooooooo much patience with me.)

Once back home, we decided that the conclusion was to PRAY about it and see what the Lord wanted us to do.

This morning I picked up my bible and continued reading in Proverbs. Turns out, the Lord has a lot to say on this subject:

"The house of the righteous contains great treasure,
but the income of the wicked brings them trouble." Proverbs 15:6

"Better a little with the fear of the Lord
than great wealth with turmoil." Proverbs 15:16


"Better a meal of vegetables where there is love
than a fattened calf with hatred." Proverbs 15:17

"Better a dry crust with peace and quiet
than a house full of feasting, with strife." Proverbs 17:1

These verses make it very clear--when faced with choosing financial wealth over familial happiness--choose FAMILY! I am not trying to say that making or having money is wrong. What I am saying is that this Lord answered our questions (should either of us increase hours or get an additional job to help our finances) by saying "NO! Make what you have work for you. Do NOT sacrifice your marriage or your relationship simply to make things easier financially." I was then given these verses:

"There is a way that seems right to man
but in the end it leads to death." Proverbs 14:12 and 16:25

Both these verses say the same thing....we know what it means when God repeats himself--PAY ATTENTION!! The world has "opportunities" everywhere to get rich quick. While these ways seem right at first, they almost always fail shortly thereafter.

Despite what our checking account says at any given time, we know how rich we are because of the cross!! "The wealth of the wise is their crown, but the folly of fools yields folly." Proverbs 14:24

If the question is $$ vs marriage, my Jesus told me...marriage!!

Day 267: Spaghetti and Waffles

If you have not read “Men are like Waffles, Women are like Spaghetti” (Bill and Pam Farell) you need to read it NOW. The basic premise is that men look at life as compartments (i.e. the boxes in waffles) and women see everything as connected (i.e. a plate of spaghetti). Both in this book and in “The Marriage Code” by the same authors, our God-given and God-designed differences are explained and embraced.

Ok, so I am a nanny and thus have two very cute kiddos five days a week. The other day, Paul needed to have his car looked at and called me to see if I would be able to follow him to drop off his car and then take him back home so he didn’t have to wait there for hours. Instantly my brain pulled up the schedule for the next day. Paul was simply wanting his wife to say “Sure, honey. I’d be happy to do that.” But what came out of my mouth went something like this:
“Ok, well I have to leave our house at 7:25 to get to work on time. So we will need to drop off your car by 7:00 or 7:10 so I can get you back home and not be late. How long is it going to take them to do the work because we are meeting mommy for lunch and the kids have to be down for a nap by 1:00? So that eliminates us being able to take you back up there from about 11:30 until after nap time. So we can make this work but with the kiddos we have to have some sort of a plan.” I think my response was unexpected because he was quiet for a moment and then said, “I’ll just wait there while they work.” I felt like I had taken away his candy or something. And in my heart, I wanted to help him but there were certain confines in my ability to help. When we both got home, I gave him a big hug and apologized if I sounded unwilling to help but it was really hard to not know how long things were going to take when I was in charge of someone else’s babies. His response was “I know. Thank you for telling me that. I guess I was thinking out loud when I asked you that and didn’t realize how complicated it would be.”

The first thing that went through my brain was “HOW could you not have realized this?!” Now, if we lived in a sitcom, this would have become fodder for the remaining 18 minutes of the show. Every comment out of my mouth would have been laced with disdain over Paul not thinking about a situation the way I do. If we lived in a sitcom, this would be great entertainment. BUT, we don't live in a sitcom--we live in a fallen world and this is exactly the kind of seemingly trivial thing Satan uses to separate marriages. Paul was not trying to be unrealistic about my abilities and I was not trying to be unhelpful. He was using his wonderfully made waffle brain to figure out how he could get his car worked on without having to be there all day. And I was using my wonderfully made spaghetti brain to figure out how I could make all the pieces work together. Satan was sitting back hoping that our differences in processing would either start something between us or be stuffed away waiting to erupt like a volcano. Neither of us was wrong—we were just using what the Lord gave us.

In the end, Paul ended up waiting on the car and the kiddos and I went along our day as planned. But there is a bigger lesson here—we were using what the Lord gave us. So, if this is what our Almighty creator gave us and he created marriage, doesn't this mean that there is a chance that our spaghetti and waffles should be able to share a plate? We are taught by the world that there is no way for spaghetti and waffles to function together--we look helplessly on as Hollywood marriages are played out in the tabloids. The once inseparable couple is now throwing insults at one another in court battle after court battle. Paul and I often get the question, "How long have you been married?" When we respond, "almost 6 months" we frequently get an almost sympathetic head tilt and sly smirk as if to say, "you'll be ready to throw the towel in after the new wears off." It is one of the most frustrating things in the world. Not because I am naive enough to think that we will never want to throw the towel in or that we are immune from having marital troubles. No, it is frustrating because it attempts to pull the rug out from under the God who brought us together, the God who created marriage, my God who is sovereign over every detail of this world.



I often need Paul to pull out pieces of spaghetti and put each one in a different waffle square when life gets to be too much (he has an amazing ability to do this, by the way). And Paul often needs me to spaghetti-things-up and mix up his waffle squares. It's not like the world says, spaghetti and waffles don't just fit on the same plate, they were made to go together!!



I'm hungry...anyone up for spaghetti....and waffles?!?!



--RMN

The Fat Girl Inside

"Rachel, you and I went to different high schools. You went to a school where you got to date Chip Matthews. I went to a high school where they had to have my band uniform specially made....I need to go out with Chip...the fat girl inside needs this! I never let her eat."

Paul and I were watching the above quoted "Friends" episode and Monica's comment resonated with me..."the fat girl inside." For the better part of my life I have been overweight and struggled with self-image. As high school came and went...college came and went...and I was still dateless, I equated my weight with my datelessness. I decided that if I was thinner and prettier I would have a date. I began a half-hearted attempt to work out and saw little efforts but I was growing in my faith so this helped to increase my self-esteem. THEN, I got braces at age 23. Talk about discouragement--you're supposed to be in junior high when you get those right?!?! Needless to say, I stopped wearing my glasses because that was just too "Ugly Betty" for me (braces and glasses). Between my teeth hurting, having to wear rubber bands and it just being a pain to clean out braces my eating habits changed and needless snacking went out the window. As a result, I slowly started to lose some weight. After struggling with depression and anxiety from 9/07-12/07, I started working with a trainer to help get my brain back (the anxiety/depression battle lasted for about 18 months total).  Not only did the workouts help my brain, I was finally getting into shape and was shedding pounds. I was so excited to have my brain back the weight loss was just icing. The pinnacle came when I got my braces off and miraculously no longer needed glasses (that had been living in my drawer for almost 3 years). AND I was wearing a smaller size than I'd ever worn in my life; except of course when your dress size is the same as your age. My brain was back and things looked good. The weeks passed as I continued to get fit and trim(mer). I quit my job, joined choir and was anxiously waiting for the Lord to open the next door to a job. Shortly after Thanksgiving I met Paul in choir and within 20 days from our first date, Paul proposed to a 40lb lighter Rachel. January 4, 2010 I started a new job working 50+ hours a week. Between the holidays, new relationship bliss, and my extended work hours, the CRAZY gym dedication began to wane and the last 10 pounds I had lost began to creep back on. I was planning a wedding, working, trying to see my fiance and grasping to find time to sleep. Something had to give and it was the gym, no big deal right?

I felt beautiful on my wedding day and based on the way Paul looks at me, I feel like I am a supermodel. After we got married, I was frustrated because the scale wasn't going down, I didn't want to make Paul yummy meals and feast on protein shakes myself (it was not worth that). Paul's opinion of me never faltered..."Smokin' Hot" is the term used most often, I believe. BUT Satan saw a small opening and pushed his way in. While I KNOW Paul loves me, finds me beautiful and is not going anywhere, the fat girl inside was scared. I met Paul when I was the smallest point and up to then I had experienced VERY few romantic interests. So the natural conclusion: thin=what Paul saw attractive; gaining weight = losing Paul. As much as I knew that my dress size was not part of our vows, nor what attracted him to me, this was my conclusion nevertheless (with Satan's help of course).

So Satan had a hay day with my decrease in self-esteem, comparison to others and discontented body image. After much prayer (that is still ongoing, most days) I came to the following conclusions:

• Paul came into my life when he did because it was God's timing NOT because of my waistline.
• My increased confidence came from being healthy and having my brain functioning. My increased confidence made me love myself more and made it easier for others to love me.
• My worth is defined by my creator--GOD--not by my dress size, my husband, how I measure up to other women or anything else the world offers.

I wish I could say that these conclusions the Lord whispered to me have ended this struggle but the truth is that this is a daily battle. And honestly, that's ok with me because it means that I don't have a choice but to stay connected to my Jesus so when Satan tries to ruin my day, I have some ammo to throw at him!!

Jonny Diaz has an amazing song "More Beautiful You" that has become somewhat of an anthem. If I get to raise a daughter, it might be her lullaby every night!!

More Beautiful You

Little girl fourteen flipping through a magazine

Says she wants to look that way

But her hair isn't straight her body isn't fake

And she's always felt overweight

Well little girl fourteen I wish that you could see

That beauty is within your heart

And you were made with such care your skin your body and your hair

Are perfect just the way they are

[Chorus]

There could never be a more beautiful you

Don't buy the lies disguises and hoops they make you jump through

You were made to fill a purpose that only you could do

So there could never be a more beautiful you

Little girl twenty-one the things that you've already done

Anything to get ahead

And you say you've got a man but he's got another plan

Only wants what you will do instead

Well little girl twenty-one you never thought that this would come

You starve yourself to play the part

But I can promise you there's a man whose love is true

And he'll treat you like the jewel you are

[chorus]

So turn around you're not too far

To back away be who you are

To change your path go another way

It's not too late you can be saved

If you feel depressed with past regrets

The shameful nights hope to forget

Can disappear they can all be washed away

By the one who's strong can right your wrongs

Can rid your fears dry all your tears

And change the way you look at this big world

He will take your dark distorted view

And with His light He will show you truth

And again you'll see through the eyes of a little girl

[chorus]

Day 253

Date night last night was Day 252 since our first date :-) We had an excellent date night after a wonderfully lazy day. I spent the morning sewing a birthday gift for Miss Mary Claire while Paul was contentedly playing games on his iPhone (all the while wishing it was the iPhone 4 rather than the inferior 3GS). Then we went to The Body exhibit at the Start Museum at UT and "ooed" and "awed" at how amazing our mere existence and creation really is. Against the advice of some dear friends, I braved the prenatal room wondering if I was "ready" to see it. I was overwhelmed with how encouraging and exciting that section was; not disturbing as many friends and myself anticipated it being...it pointed both of us back to the Lord!! As we read what happens in each week of pregnancy and saw the fetal development we stared at one another in AWE that we have the privilege of serving a God who not only set this in motion but is in charge of each little bone in our bodies. As we continued through the entire exhibit, we both marvelled at how miraculous our creation really is.

Then off to Kerby Lane where I shared an awesome dinner and conversation full of laughs with my best friend and husband. We sat across the table talking about the respective books we were reading and what we were gaining from them, enjoyed sharing a plate of enchiladas (sans the evil herb cilantro) and joyfully had an excellent Diet Coke-filled dinner together.

Then home where we took some time to check email and chat some more. As we crawled into bed, Paul was kicking some Zombie butt on a game I can't even begin to understand on his phone (something about planting different plants that then become your defense against the Zombies who are trying to eat your brain....i.e. a reality-based game) so I picked up "Love and War" (Eldredge). We have both been wanting to read it but other books in our quickly-growing library have taken precedence. The first chapter examines vows at a wedding ceremony. "Why in heaven's name would you come to church to publicly dedicate yourselves to something so risky, so fraught with danger, so scandalous?" It basically asserts that "in choosing marriage you have chosen an assignment at the front lines in this epic battle for the human heart." The chapter ends with 2 simple sentences: "It can be done. And it is worth it." The truth here is undeniable--Satan hates to admit that he is losing the battle and when 2 people enter into marriage focused on HIM, Satan gets mad. So the path is not always easy but it is worth it.

Thank you Lord...this was the perfect encouragement to a wonderful day....and then I went to brush my teeth. I stopped at the computer and saw a girl I went to college with who just had a baby. This is exciting but I am tired and don't want to get sucked into the computer....focus...go brush your teeth, Rach. In the bathroom I notice the scale, critique the reflection in the mirror, start to lament over a few extra pounds and then go into the bedroom and ask my husband "do you still like the way I look?!?" Poor man just spent a great day with a sane wife only to be crawling into bed with Miss Insecurity. He very sweetly encouraged me the way he has so many times before we go to sleep and then we go to sleep...in theory!

I toss and turn feeling the Lord impress upon me to email a friend some encouragement....I do. And then hope that my obedience will equal sleep. Nope. More tossing. More turning. More obsessing over being "behind" because someone younger than me has a baby now (hello--married 5 months here--take a breath, Rach), obsessing over body image, obsessing over being overly critical. Restful sleep was simply not on the agenda.

When Paul attempted to wake me up this morning, I greeted him with a whiny need for a kiss (ok, this is relatively normal) and then said "I did not sleep at all...I'm not in a good mood." Somewhere in there I asked him to pray because I did not want to be mean all day. But I felt much more like Oscar the Grouch than Polly Anna....

As we pull up to church, we are early so Paul can practice for the ensemble. I then beat myself up for not bringing the paper with me to clip coupons with me extra time this morning. I "settle" for walking into church and reading scripture. I decide to read Philippians 4 because the verse about not worrying, resting in the Lord is suddenly weighing on me. So I read and start taking notes. In my 20 minutes of reading and listening and taking notes it became overwhelmingly clear what happened last night...the Lord whispered to me: after a fantastic day of just being together we spent the evening being encouraged by our creation, having a blast on a date as husband and wife and the day was simply GOOD. No wonder Satan took the initiative to divide my brain obsessing over body image, envying what others have and being self-critical. He took away sleep and set up everything for me to wake up, be in a bad mood, be snippy with Paul and ruin the rest of what started to be a great weekend.

I count this as my take-home message and notice it is time for the service to begin. Kie steps up, welcomes the congregation and starts his sermon from...Philippians 4?!?! Ok Lord, clearly you are not done. The sermon spoke directly to my heart echoing what had just been whispered. Like dropping a stone in a still pond, the ripples continued in Sunday school. Everything was tailor-made for where I was, Satan was silenced and my heart was encouraged. It was great, phenomenal, indescribable....it was GOD. What we know: Satan will act, he will attempt to sabotage and he will work the hardest when things are going the best. HOWEVER, we also know that when God moves, He moves BIG and FAST and He is at work no matter how things are going.

"Rejoice in the Lord always, I will say it again: Rejoice! Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus." Philippians 4:4-7

--RMN

Day 197

Call me cheesy--it matters not! Paul and I went to see "Letters to Juliet" a couple of weeks ago (he owed me a chick flick after taking me to see Kick A**). While it is a Hollywood creation and a fictional story, there is a whimsical aspect that makes women long to experience anything close. Claire and Sophie spend the better part of the movie trying to convince a very Pompous Charlie that true love is real and is worth searching and FIGHTING for. At one point he tells Claire (referring to her first love) "Imagine him going from working the fields to owning them...and Gran, you missed the messy bits." Her simple response is "Life is in the messy bits." In her hopeful eyes it is clear to everyone-except Charlie-that a wonderfully romantic life is possible amidst all the messy bits...they mustn't be mutually exclusive.

While clearly I am not an expert on marriage, I am an expert at being a hopeless romantic...and it's really exciting to me that all my dreams of a fairy tale romance were not idealistic or unrealistic...I am living a real life fairy tale written by the Lord especially for me...and yes, life is made up of the messy bits but so are our favorite Hollywood-made fairy tales that we love:

• Snow White dealt with a wicked witch and 7 male dwarfs.
  
• Cinderella has 2 wicked stepsisters and a crazy stepmother...and went for years with woodland creatures as her only friends.


• Toula spent 30 years living with her mom and dad and tirelessly working at a diner and then met a guy she wasn't supposed to love because he was not Greek (My Big Fat Greek Wedding).


• Francis had to deal with a divorce, a remodeling job from Hades and moving across the globe before she saw her fairy tale (Under the Tuscan Sun).

But all of these ladies GOT the fairy tale in the end--and the messy parts remained! My life plays just like a movie only much more interesting and exciting because it doesn't end in 2 hours. And as we muddle through messy bits, it is really clear to me that my prince or knight in shining armor or Mr. Right was perfectly cast for me. A great example of this earlier tonight: we each read Captivating and Wild at Heart respectively and have now switched them to read the other person's . I asked Paul to make any notes in blue ink since I made notes in red and black (compulsive? yes.) and wanted to be able to tell what he underlined vs what I underlined. He was laying on the couch reading and got up to find a pen, turned to me and said "Wasn't I supposed to make notes in a certain color?" Without looking away from the computer I said "yes" and then just stared at him and smiled. I know it's small, I know it really does not matter what color ink the man uses in the book....BUT, the fact that he entertains my quarks and loves me not just in spite of them but often because of them makes me realize that I'd rather have a life filled with messy bits WITH him rather than no messy bits without him!

--RMN

Hold Me Jesus

Surrender don’t come natural to me

I’d rather fight you for something I don’t really want

Than to take what you give that I need

(Hold Me Jesus, Big Daddy Weave)

Yup, these lyrics pretty much sum up my walk with the Lord. While He created me spunky, I also came with my fair share of stubbornness (and perhaps someone else's fair share, too). Paul and I were laying in bed praying the other night and I said "Lord, you are taking away what makes me comfortable and I don't like it...I know it's for my growth and to help me but I don't like it." I figured He already knew I was thinking it so I might as well just put it out there, right? Let me explain the basis for this candid prayer...

Since about early May I have felt this underlying feeling of being overwhelmed (having been treated in the past for an anxiety disorder, this is something I am very familiar with). Life is seemingly good but I can't shake this feeling of something being "off". I sat down one day and just started to think about the past few years. As I sketched out a timeline I realized that a lot of STUFF has happened and the perfectionist in my has always had a hard time stopping and sitting and just taking it all in...

5/06 received Master's degree/got job
1/07 promoted
6/07 took over marketing at work
9/07 suffered first panic attack
11/07 started dating who I thought was "the one"
11/07 lost our sweet Audrey
3/08 broke up with the wrong one
9/08 joined a new church
11/08 got baptized
1/09 started working our with a trainer
10/09 QUIT my job with nothing on the horizon
11/09 Lost 30 pounds to date!! Joined HP Choir
12/09 Met Paul and got engaged in 20 days; cold turkey on anxiety meds
1/10 started nanny job (50+ hrs/wk)
3/10 wedding
5/10 overwhelmed undertones

Ok, so if I saw this list written by anyone else my response would be "Of course you are feeling overwhelmed--that's a lot of life in a relatively short amount of time!" But because I know that this is my timeline, I somehow feel like I should handle it all better. That it's ridiculous when tight finances, exhaustion, dishes, laundry and the tasks of life are a lot to take. But what lessons have I been missing because I haven't taken the time to be still before the Lord and process....to lay beside still waters...to hear His triumphant whisper in the chaos?!

I went to my cousin's baby dedication this morning (Henry Augustus Rener) at their church. The pastor was talking about Hebrews 10:19-25 and concluded the sermon saying, "You will be encouraged to the degree you share your heart with those around you." This was a very profound statement to me because often I feel like what is going on in my own head is too much for me to share...sometimes Satan's lies cloud our abilities to access the truth within us--the only way we uncover that truth is when other's speak it to us.

--RMN

"Just"

Sitting in bible study discussing guilt vs conviction got me thinking...

There are a lot of promises and gift the Lord gives His children that I don't claim for myself...I testify to others that guilt and condemnation are not from the Lord, that grace and mercy are OURS in abundance and that we are fully pleasing to God just as we are...

BUT...

I do not own this truth for myself. I get caught up in condemning myself for wrongs; thinking of all the shoulda, coulda, woulda's and thinking that my own sin is outside of God's grace to forgive.

This revelation came full circle at choir practice when we were praying and I repeatedly said, "Lord, I just pray...and I just ask..." Think about kids or even adults (yes even myself): we use "just" to help make our case for an exception ("I'm just going to have one bite" "I just want to play outside for a minute." "I just want one new dress for the summer.") Scripture tells me to put my requests at the foot of the cross, to go BOLDLY to the throne (Phil 4:6), that the Spirit himself testifies FOR US (Romans 8:16), and most of all that we have the POWER of the Risen Jesus living in all of us (Galatians 2:20)! So WHY am I asking the Lord for "just" anything?! I don't want my one answered prayer to be the exception; I don't want anyone's answered prayer to be the exception. I want to BOLDLY lay my request at the foot of the cross, PRAISE him for allowing me to do so and then wait expectantly for them to ALL be answered. Regardless of the request, I don't just want them answered...I want the Lord glorified.

So, I'm challenging myself to be BOLD and not "just pray" but to PRAY! It has only been a few days since I issued myself this challenge....but it's amazing the power that comes across in my prayers when I take out this small little word!!

--RMN

Day 183

Paul and I feel like the Lord broke all the "relationship" norms with our relationship. He threw timing out the window and daily shows us that He has something much bigger in store for us-individually and as a couple. While we are just approaching the 3 month mark, the Lord is definitely teaching us about our faith, His provisions, His promises and how to navigate this thing called marriage.

John and Staci Eldridge hit the nail on the head in their book "Love and War" (we attended their marriage conference based on the book but have not started the book quite yet). They assert that marriage is set in a war zone because we live in a world set against it. In addition, the Lord makes men and women so intrinsically different that "it's like taking Huck Finn and Cinderella, and locking them in a submarine together."

I have to admit that I love being Cinderella in this analogy, and actually really love that I married my Huck Finn....it's the being locked in the submarine together that keeps me clinging to the Lord for guidance, direction and support.

Enjoy the whirlwind with us...and hold on because with the Lord in charge, nothing is impossible!! Amen!!!