Our dream of parenthood felt like it came to a stretching halt on August 8, 2011. A few weeks prior to that, we started fertility testing and on this day, after all the results were back, we were told that having a spontaneous pregnancy was not likely to occur (not impossible, but very unlikely). The specialist gave us the surgical options available to us and his opinion that utilizing these options would hopefully result in a pregnancy. The afternoon of August 8, the physicians were ready to schedule the initial procedure and move forward. Paul wisely asked, "Can we call you? We'd like to pray about this."
After many tearful and prayerful days we determined the Lord was not telling us to pursue further fertility treatments. While adoption dangled in front of us, we were not on the same page about moving forward with that plan. Many, many more tearful and prayerful days followed and the Lord was faithful in moving us 100% to the same adoption page. Once we made the decision, it was as if we could finally take a deep breath--there was a plan and it was one we could embrace and it reopened the door to our parenthood dream. While we were filled with excitement and anticipation about this plan to have a family, it was no easy road. There was still much to process and grieve.
Fully embracing one plan often means letting go of another plan--for me, this always means letting go of what I envisioned to grab onto what the Lord is trying to give me. The grief process was becoming overwhelming and with the support of Paul, I went to my first counseling appointment. At that appointment, through tears, I remember sharing that my biggest struggle was accepting this new path the Lord had us on, without discounting the fact that MY God is big enough to change this path. I couldn't reconcile the two and desperately wanted to stop crying all the time.
Less than a week from this counseling appointment, Paul and I were still in Dallas following my sister's wedding. I had been feeling "off" and decided to take a pregnancy test just to prove to myself that we were not pregnant and that these "off" feelings were simply stress related. After the very painful waiting period I called Paul in and said "What does that say?!" He looked at it, and then at me and said, "Um, that's not negative." For the rest of that day, saying it was positive was simply not in our vocabulary. This was October 10th. The days from the 10th to the 14th might have been the longest week of our lives. We wanted so badly to call everyone and tell them but were scared to latch onto this because of the road we had been walking.
A call to the doctor, blood work and waiting. Finally, a phone call stating that the numbers were not what they should be. More blood work and more waiting. Again, a phone call stating that the numbers were still not what they expected. Then, a request to come in for a sonogram. The sonographer turned everything on and then said, "Do you see that little flutter? That's the heartbeat. This is exactly what we'd expect to see at six weeks along." We both cried--sobbed--tears of joy and praise at this tiny baby on the screen. She then told us that our baby was about half a centimeter long, or the size of a grain of rice. There it was....our miracle baby!
As we checked out, we were both in shock, to say the very least. The lady checking us out said, "See, tests are wrong all the time." Before I could think twice I said, "No, the tests were right. The doctors were right. This is God saying, 'Look what I can do! I'm bigger than medicine!" We read stories all the time in the bible about miraculous ways God showed himself to people and we hear of how skeptical many were. Today, he may not give us burning bushes, walk on water or calm waves with a touch of a hand. He may not guide us with a pillar of smoke each day or turn water into wine at our weddings. BUT, God shows himself by healing cancer, providing a rebate check the day before a bill is due, restoring families, getting an email from a friend in the midst of a terrible day, filling us with inexplicable peace and by turning infertility into a family. Still, we remain skeptical.
John 9 tells the story of a man born blind. The disciples asked Jesus, "Who sinned, this man or his parents." Jesus replied, "Neither this man nor his parents sinned, but this happened so that the works of God might be displayed in him." Just before going to see the counselor (a week before taking the pregnancy test) I realized that while I would never have asked for this path, I wouldn't trade it either. Each tear cried brought us closer to the arms of our Father. Each frustrated, angry and confused prayer brought us closer to our Father. Each moment waiting brought us closer to our Father. Each conversation and hard talk brought us closer together as a couple which brought us closer to our Father.
Through this process, I have felt every emotion on the map; often multiple emotions at once. Regardless of the emotion at any given moment, one truth remains the same--God is bigger than anything on this earth and he can handle each and every emotion. This is not something that is always crystal clear to me, but it is something my Father chooses to teach me any chance He gets. VeggieTales expresses it best:
God is bigger than the boogie man.
He's bigger than Godzilla or the monsters on TV.
Oh, God is bigger than the boogie man,
And he's watching out for you and me!
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| Baby Nixon, ETA June 2012 |
