Fairy Tales, Pretend, Santa and Christ....

In Sunday school this last week, we started a discussion about the traditions of Christmas and their origins. The conversation quickly settled on Santa and how this either works with or conflicts with the birth of Jesus. There are many opinions on the idea of Santa both inside and outside the church. A few that were brought up in class are summarized below:

• If young children ask if Santa is real and we say yes, they believe this equally as strongly as when we tell them Jesus is real even though they can't see either. 
• Having Santa at church for a Christmas program seems out of place.
• The figurines of Santa praying over baby Jesus seem to be a good compromise of both.
• You can have both Santa and Christ on Christmas morning. When we were young, we thought Santa came at night but we also knew we had to read the Christmas story directly from the gospels before we could open any gifts. 

Honestly, I can see the validity in each of these points of view. And really, this conversation started me thinking about future Christmas seasons in the Nixon household. Paul and I both grew up believing in Santa and have recently discussed how neither of us had a life-shattering experience when we learned Santa was pretend. Instead, we each simply grew out of the tradition and realized it was a story (though I realize that, for some, learning about Santa was traumatic). I also have thought about how discussing Santa when kids are young as well as Christ might pull the rug out from under us as parents when our children really start to make decisions about their faith (hypothetically: "If mom and dad lied to me about Santa, how do I know Jesus is real and that God exists?'). This started my spaghetti brain going....

When I was small, my imagination made Santa real, along with the tooth fairy, Easter Bunny and Disney Princesses. I took my baby doll everywhere and tended to her every "cry"; a cry that I heard loud and clear. I cried watching The Land Before Time when Littlefoot lost his mother. All of this was REAL to me--for a time. My parents never pulled me aside and said, "That baby doll is pretend." "Get over it, it's just a movie." "Ariel is made-up. No one can be a princess and you will never find a prince like that." No! I was allowed and encouraged to live within this imaginative reality as long as possible because this was the magic of being a child. 

For the year of his life from age three to four, I was Jacob's nanny. He frequently told me he needed to change into his red shoes with flames on them or into his new blue shoes because that was what made him FAST! He believed with every fiber of his being that donning a cape and mask MADE him a superhero, fully capable of defeating evil while protecting everyone around. Lightening McQueen was not simply a character on a movie but a moviestar we "met" each time we saw a toy, shirt or poster bearing his image. This was his reality--swords made him a knight, guns made him a cowboy and shoes made him as fast as Lightening. He was busy--very busy--each day being an imaginative child. 

Both from my memories in my own childhood and my days as a nanny I remember the inevitable "ow-y" that came weekly, if not daily. Most often, this ow-y was followed by the request "kiss it." Every adult knows that kissing it does not make it better--but it does touch the place in the heart of child that tells them they are ok and loved. We don't tell kids that the real reason their ow-y is better is because it was really just a bruised ego or the Neosporin on the bandage or the cough medicine they were given that morning. The kiss (by either mom, dad, loved one or caregiver) is the only part of the treatment that really sticks with that child--at least it's what stuck with me. I don't have vivid memories of medicine or Band-aids or ice packs. But I do remember knowing that mom made things better when they hurt. Now, as an adult, I'll admit that when I feel sick or something hurts, I still call my mom for advice and secretly wish she would appear at my door to make it better. But I have a healthy understanding that her mere presence is not going to heal what ails me. 

None of us is perfect and few have walked a road free from regret. But, when a three-year-old girl thinks Daddy hung the moon and stars, we don't sit back and list past mistakes, indiscretions or recount the latest argument. For that three year old, Daddy did hang the moon and stars and that is what she should believe. This doesn't mean that we don't sit down with this same little girl when she starts dating and explain that no guy is perfect but one will be perfect for her. This doesn't mean that we forget to tell her her there are some flaws she will be able to accept and some she should never look past when choosing a husband. When this three year old is no longer three and is old enough to understand and grow from more information, we share it, knowing it may not all be easy to hear but it will be worth it. 

So, what in the world does all of this mixed up spaghetti have to do with Christmas and Santa?! Let me tell you the conclusion I came to as a result of all this (please know that the following is in no way an attempt to convince you that your opinion is wrong or you should join me on this page. It is merely the conclusion for us.).

We were born sinners but something in us wants more from the time we are born--we want magical saving powers, we want to be swept off our feet by someone who adores us, we want the power to defeat the evil one, we want our biggest desires to be understood and we want so much more. This is why we pretend to be knights, we adore princess movies, we dress like superheroes, we hear baby dolls cry; it's why our imagination is in hyper-drive as children and why we latch onto the idea of Santa and the magic he brings to Christmas. Our human nature knows there is something more but as children, we don't have all the dots to connect yet. The truth we learn as we get older is that only one person really can protect and save us, only one person adores us like the dreamy prince, only one person defeats evil and only one person is responsible for the amazingly powerful magic of Christmas. That person is Jesus.  

The Nixon house will have Santa and the magic he brings--for one season each year. But, every season, everyday, we will worship our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. We will be honest with our children as they gain more dots and start to connect reality. But we will also encourage the imaginative land they get for such a short time where kisses heal, shoes make you fast, baby dolls cry and superheroes are real. We will do this knowing that one day, they will learn that while imagination is fun, only one thing can provide far more than we could ever imagine. At that moment, I pray they remember the One we worship year round, the One we strive to grow closer to each day and the One that created their precious life and placed them in our family.

Pregnancy Update: Today, we are 16 weeks along (baby is about 4 1/2 inches long from head to rump)! That number is staggering to me. I was discussing with a friend recently what our nurse told me about the second trimester and I was taken aback at those words: "Second Trimester." It suddenly hit me that we are over 1/3 of the way to meeting our precious little baby boy or girl! We are still waiting to feel the first movement and waiting to need maternity clothes (though my regular pants don't quite fit like they once did). But, everyday brings a new realization that this is real--11 weeks ago, all we could say was "Um, that's not negative!" This has quickly been replaced by "How big is our baby this week?", "What amazing development is happening now?" and "Look how fast he/she is growing!" We are enjoying each day of this journey and praising God this Christmas for the best gift we could have ever asked for!!

"You watched me as I was formed in utter seclusion

as I was woven together in the dark of the womb.

You saw me before I was born.

Every day of my life was recorded in your book.

Every moment was laid out

before a single day had passed."

Psalm 139:15-16

Day 731: December 6, 2011

Yesterday marked 2 years since our first date! In that time we have:

*Gotten engaged.
*Planned and held our dream wedding.
*Had a blast in Maui!
*Moved to a new apartment.
*Experienced a brief time of unemployment and a new job for me.
*Made awesome new friends at church.
*Have continued to be active members of the church choir.
*Driven all over the state of Texas to visit family/friends as well as specialists.
*Faced infertility.
*Were surprised by a positive pregnancy test.
*Are now anxiously awaiting the arrival of our firstborn!!

If I had known 2 years ago all that was in store, I would have gotten overwhelmed. If I had known through each change how it would end, I wouldn't have gotten closer to the Lord. If I had been able to handle all of this on my own strength, I wouldn't have called upon my Savior! Some days fly by in a blink and others seem to move like molasses...regardless, with MY God, every day is one day closer to Him, one day closer to Heaven, and one day closer to the life He intended for His children!!

God is BIGGER than the boogie man...

Sitting in my living room you will see a picture of me at about age 3 with one Cabbage Patch in my lap and three others lined up on the couch next to me. The grin on my face says it all, "I am in pure Heaven sitting here with all my babies." My earliest memories are of me with a baby doll complete with a diaper bag on my arm. On our first date, Paul told me how much he wanted to be a dad; this was one of the many reasons I knew he was the one for me.

Our dream of parenthood felt like it came to a stretching halt on August 8, 2011. A few weeks prior to that, we started fertility testing and on this day, after all the results were back, we were told that having a spontaneous pregnancy was not likely to occur (not impossible, but very unlikely). The specialist gave us the surgical options available to us and his opinion that utilizing these options would hopefully result in a pregnancy. The afternoon of August 8, the physicians were ready to schedule the initial procedure and move forward. Paul wisely asked, "Can we call you? We'd like to pray about this."

After many tearful and prayerful days we determined the Lord was not telling us to pursue further fertility treatments. While adoption dangled in front of us, we were not on the same page about moving forward with that plan. Many, many more tearful and prayerful days followed and the Lord was faithful in moving us 100% to the same adoption page. Once we made the decision, it was as if we could finally take a deep breath--there was a plan and it was one we could embrace and it reopened the door to our parenthood dream. While we were filled with excitement and anticipation about this plan to have a family, it was no easy road. There was still much to process and grieve.

Fully embracing one plan often means letting go of another plan--for me, this always means letting go of what I envisioned to grab onto what the Lord is trying to give me. The grief process was becoming overwhelming and with the support of Paul, I went to my first counseling appointment. At that appointment, through tears, I remember sharing that my biggest struggle was accepting this new path the Lord had us on, without discounting the fact that MY God is big enough to change this path. I couldn't reconcile the two and desperately wanted to stop crying all the time.

Less than a week from this counseling appointment, Paul and I were still in Dallas following my sister's wedding. I had been feeling "off" and decided to take a pregnancy test just to prove to myself that we were not pregnant and that these "off" feelings were simply stress related. After the very painful waiting period I called Paul in and said "What does that say?!" He looked at it, and then at me and said, "Um, that's not negative." For the rest of that day, saying it was positive was simply not in our vocabulary. This was October 10th. The days from the 10th to the 14th might have been the longest week of our lives. We wanted so badly to call everyone and tell them but were scared to latch onto this because of the road we had been walking.

A call to the doctor, blood work and waiting. Finally, a phone call stating that the numbers were not what they should be. More blood work and more waiting. Again, a phone call stating that the numbers were still not what they expected. Then, a request to come in for a sonogram. The sonographer turned everything on and then said, "Do you see that little flutter? That's the heartbeat. This is exactly what we'd expect to see at six weeks along." We both cried--sobbed--tears of joy and praise at this tiny baby on the screen. She then told us that our baby was about half a centimeter long, or the size of a grain of rice. There it was....our miracle baby!

As we checked out, we were both in shock, to say the very least. The lady checking us out said, "See, tests are wrong all the time." Before I could think twice I said, "No, the tests were right. The doctors were right. This is God saying, 'Look what I can do! I'm bigger than medicine!" We read stories all the time in the bible about miraculous ways God showed himself to people and we hear of how skeptical many were. Today, he may not give us burning bushes, walk on water or calm waves with a touch of a hand. He may not guide us with a pillar of smoke each day or turn water into wine at our weddings. BUT, God shows himself by healing cancer, providing a rebate check the day before a bill is due, restoring families, getting an email from a friend in the midst of a terrible day, filling us with inexplicable peace and by turning infertility into a family. Still, we remain skeptical.

John 9 tells the story of a man born blind. The disciples asked Jesus, "Who sinned, this man or his parents." Jesus replied, "Neither this man nor his parents sinned, but this happened so that the works of God might be displayed in him." Just before going to see the counselor (a week before taking the pregnancy test) I realized that while I would never have asked for this path, I wouldn't trade it either. Each tear cried brought us closer to the arms of our Father. Each frustrated, angry and confused prayer brought us closer to our Father. Each moment waiting brought us closer to our Father. Each conversation and hard talk brought us closer together as a couple which brought us closer to our Father.

Through this process, I have felt every emotion on the map; often multiple emotions at once. Regardless of the emotion at any given moment, one truth remains the same--God is bigger than anything on this earth and he can handle each and every emotion. This is not something that is always crystal clear to me, but it is something my Father chooses to teach me any chance He gets. VeggieTales expresses it best:

God is bigger than the boogie man.

He's bigger than Godzilla or the monsters on TV.

Oh, God is bigger than the boogie man, 

And he's watching out for you and me!

Baby Nixon, ETA June 2012

Content?!?!

"CONTENT"

This is a strange word...in my mind it has several connotations and colors....

• Ugly Brown Content: resolved to accept situations the way they are and live life passively with no hope.
• Baby Blue Content: satisfied for the moment (like an infant who has just eaten) but this changes with the wind.
• Iridescent Content (really hard to make something look iridescent on the computer screen): satisfied in one part of life but not this one and definitely not this one, but this over here works for me.
• Black Content (aka DIScontent): satisfied with nothing, everything is terrible, bitterness over situations--NO fun!
• Royal Purple Content: Living a life acknowledging the royal family willing to adopt each of us and appreciating where the King has life while actively dreaming and embracing all that He could do and what He puts in our hearts.

I think I stay iridescent or baby blue most of the time. Oh, how I want to be royal purple! Looking back over my life, there are times when discontentedness was a great motivator. It was the push I needed to get in shape, it moved me to my current church (which I love and where I met my husband), and when things in life feel pear-shaped, discontent can be very helpful to restore things back to normalcy. However, the problem with black content is that it tends to absorb everything around it. I have experienced boughts of depression where everyday was consumed by black discontent (*note* I am not saying that discontent was the only cause of my depression nor is it mutually exclusive. It was a symptom of depression and can lead to it. Clinical depression is not simply overcome with "being ok" with everything). I have also had periods of time where I was living in royal purple bliss. During these times, there were things I wanted but it was ok that I didn't have them.

As I have examined the various colors of content I have walked through, I started to get frustrated that I can't stay in a royal purple world. Part of me fleeing to another color has, in large part, been related to my jobs. My first job after college was one where I quickly moved up and was given increased responsibilities. Some I thoroughly enjoyed and thrived within and others I loathed with ever fiber of my being. Leaving that job led me to my one-year stint as a nanny. This was some of the sweetest and hardest work on the planet...I enjoyed the first year of sweet Baby Girl's life and the very energetic yer from age 3-4 for Big Boy. Our days were filled with educational trips to HEB, fun times at the library, playing outside, heading to the park, having picnics and a host of other activities. The challenge with this was the very deep desire to take my own kids to do all these fun things. That position ended and I felt an overwhelmingly loud whisper to accept my current position. I was excited and ready to learn new stuff....and then my royal purple faded to iridescent....and fast. I was happy with my marriage, church and friendships but work was/is a struggle. Again I found myself at the wall of frustration....why does my royal purple contentment always flee? Where was my excitement? Any job will have frustrations and aspects we don't love, and while I like to talk, I don't like being tied to a phone all day answering questions. BUT, this is where the Lord told me to work....As I've blogged before, I don't have to like his answer but I have to accept it. He is my Savior who I asked into my heart--it's all for Him. Hmmmmm.....still feels light years away from my royal purple living....

Stephen Curtis Chapman has a new song "Do Everything" that basically says "Do everything you do to the glory of the One who made you." I think this means sometimes leaving a job and sometimes it's sticking it out through a job while he cultivates other paths and adventures for me....and most often it's focusing on the here and now. Life does not make this easy. Satan's least favorite color is royal purple content. And while I have not figured out the "how" completely, I know it has to be possible....Not loving every second of every day but living more seconds than not with the Lord rather than fighting against him. I think this involves living life a day at a time (something I have also yet to master).

This I know....royal purple content is something I want....living in this color does not mean never longing for things or not wanting them to come now...what it means is living within those yearnings and not having the undercurrent of bitterness and hopelessness that ugly brown content, iridescent content and black content inherently bring. Baby blue content is not off the hook but I think of it as a spring board to royal purple. If I can put enough baby blue moments together, sooner or later I'll be royal purple. So, the plan and the intention here is sound....now to execute!

Jesus, if I failed to mention this before, the only way I can achieve royal purple content is through you....meet me here, Lord, hear my plea!

During my quiet time this morning, I noticed a note I wrote in Isaiah 58 in 2008...almost 4 years ago to the day. Sometimes it takes spunk longer to connect dots...colored dots or otherwise!

Nine Eleven....

Two numbers together will never carry the same meaning as "nine eleven". I remember talking to my mom in high school about pivotal moments in history she will never forget and wondering if there would be something so profound and lasting that I would remember each detail of the morning. Just a few weeks after I started my freshman year at UT, I had just such an experience. My pot-luck roommate and I watched the Today show every morning as we got ready for class. That morning, for some unknown reason we didn't. I walked to my Biology class that morning and things seems normal. A classmate walked in and said "Someone flew a plane into the World Trade Center." We all responded with something along the lines of "What a dummy! How did you not see the building?" We did not understand the gravity of this situation. Our professor walked in and said, "We are still going to have class. They have not cancelled class yet so let's get settled and get to work until we know more." Time stood still. We still did not know exactly what was happening but we suddenly realized that this was not someone simply not seeing a building. Class was not productive so our professor finally started sharing the bits and pieces he knew. Class ended and we flocked to common areas where we could see news footage and it was chaos. The news in Austin was reporting that this was an attack against Bush and since one of his daughters was a student at UT, there was a fear that Austin could be a target. This was all speculation, of course, as this was a very deliberate attack on the nation--not a personal attack on our president. Regardless, this was enough to scare all of us (many of whom had just embarked on this new college freedom) into a panic. It's interesting to me that so many details are etched into my mind even from the early morning before I knew anything bad happened--and I was no where near the attacks. I can't imagine being in New York or D. C. and witnessing any of this in person.

People fled to church and our country went in search of God to explain this and bring them comfort. And now, we have morphed back into a country that strives to maintain the status quo so much we don't dare mention God or Jesus for fear we might push our beliefs on anyone. Think about this: Coca Cola is not worried about offending those who choose not to drink caffeine or prefer Pepsi. Sports teams sell their clothes and logos without concern that fans of their biggest rival might get their feelings hurt. Burger King advertises their burgers without regard to stepping on the toes of vegetarians. Why? Because they are standing behind something they believe in--regardless of how you or I feel about them, they believe in it and stand behind it.

Well, I've got something I not only stand behind, I stand ON. Wanna know what it is? It's Jesus, it's my Savior, it's my Heavenly Father, the Creator of Life. My life is not void of struggle, it's not candy and rainbows everyday...but I have HOPE no matter what happens that one day, the New Heaven and New Earth will be reality and I will live in a world as God intended it to be. There will be no more tears, no more pain and no more evil!

Before I really knew what it was like to walk with Jesus, I approached God as "Dr. God" or simply a therapist. But I was missing the real, daily, in-the-trenches relationship everyone can have by accepting Christ into their hearts. As a nation, we ran into the arms of Jesus when things were hard and have run out of them just as fast. I pray that all of the tragedy around the nation and the globe points every heart back to God. And for those who don't agree with me, that's ok. Part of what makes America great is our ability to have our own opinions....everyone is afforded this right....not simply people who agree with me or with you.

180 degrees away from mourning the tragedy of the 9/11 attack....the Nixon house also celebrates life....today is Paul's birthday. I am so blessed to have this man in my life and to be known as his wife. We are looking forward and excited to see what the Lord does in our lives between now and Nine Eleven 2012!!

"I establish my covenant with you, that never again shall all flesh be cut off by the waters of the flood, 

and never again shall there be a flood to destroy the earth."

Genesis 9:11, ESV

"But when Christ appeared as a high priest of the good things that have come, then through the greater and more perfect tent (not made with hand, that is, not of this creation) he entered once and for all into the holy places, not by means of the blood of goats and calves but by means of his own blood, 

thus securing an eternal redemption."

Hebrews 9:11-12, ESV

Control-freak to Jesus-freak...

Today I finished reading Job in my One Year Bible and I was overwhelmed by the final chapters when God speaks to Job out of the storm. First, he literally spoke to him out of the storm--that is a wonderfully powerful way to communicate. Job was so desperate to hear from the Lord at this point that he likely would have heard even the tiniest whisper. But, God used this powerful form of communication to help prove his point. Second, God essentially put Job in his place but he did this by reminding him of all the things only God has and is capable of doing....

"where were you when I laid the earth's foundation? Tell me if you understand. Who marked off it's dimensions? Surely you know! Who stretched a measuring a line across it?....Who shut up the sea behind doors when it burst forth from the womb....when I said, 'This far you may come and no farther; here is where your proud waves halt'?" 

excerpts from Job 38: 4-11

As I sat reading this I first started thinking back to Job's friends and their poor advice. I was mentally pointing the finger at them, scolding them and Job for trying to figure out why this occurred and what Job needed to do to fix his circumstances. It is comical how quickly I realized, that I behave like Job and each of his friends daily. Yes, me....I try to figure out why each little nuance of everyday occurs, why something I didn't plan had to happen and what I could have done to alter it. As I was pointing the finger back at Job and his friends, the Lord "spoke to me out of the storm" and reminded me that if he can tell the waves how far to go, tell the sun when to rise and fall and was in control even when Job could not see it, then my life is certainly under his watchful provision. How wonderful is that?!?! And yet, how often I need the reminder.

Taking life one day at a time has never come easy to me but I am learning that it is the only way to really walk with Jesus. Life is not in my control (much to my chagrin) so I can fight each day trying to control things or I can enjoy my days embracing what He is giving me....

Most recently, the Lord gave me a new adventure to embrace....I have signed up to be a:

This company is a Christian-based company whose "mission is a reflection of this philosophy: to celebrate, encourage and reward women by offering quality products and an outstanding opportunity to become successful business owners."

We are eager to see what the Lord is going to do through this new adventure!! Whether this is a way to simply meet new women or a way to start a new career, I are excited to see what each day with Thirty-One holds!! Regardless of this excitement and eagerness, my "always plan ahead" nature struggles with looking at the calendar and thinking "we have x, y and z happening" and "how can I do this?" But, the Lord is taking my control-freak nature into his hands which means only one thing...

...something beautiful will be created! Hopefully something a little closer to the woman of God he wants me to be!

www.mythirtyone.com/rachelnixon

No eye has seen...

I am addicted to Netflix and having seasons of shows on DVD! Why, you ask? Instant gratification. Gone are the days of commercials, cliff hangers and season finales!!

We have now watched all ten seasons of Friends. I watched them when they originally aired but Paul only saw them sporadically (oh, the horror). So we watched them in order from start to finish and it was glorious to finish a season and immediately put a new disk in to see what happened. I'll admit that we haven't made quite the same impressive progress in watching The Simpsons (sorry, honey).

Paul has also started showing me Smallville which the nerd inside me LOVES! Inside, he is very proud that his wife has come over to the nerd side. However, we only own four seasons (though he has seen all the seasons). After the ridiculous tornado episode that ended with Lana Lang IN the tornado and Clark Kent (Superman) trying to save her, I first said "Oh no, we're putting in the next disk." Then I informed him that we can't watch Season Four until we have borrowed, rented or purchased Season Five for fear we might be left in the same predicament with no way to see the next episode (gasp!).

And it's a good thing my husband thinks I'm cute because when the show gets intense or things don't look like they're going to work out, I incessantly poke him and ask "what happens?" Seldom do I get an answer because "he can't remember" or doesn't want to tell me because he thinks it will ruin it. Regardless of how many times I tell him that it won't ruin it for me, I seldom get answers. The other night, exasperated I said "But I NEED to know!! I don't get to know real life, I need to know TV life!"

This came flying out of my mouth before I knew it--and oh, boy is this a telling statement. This is exactly how I am. I like things to be labeled, I like having a plan and an itinerary. I enjoy knowing what's going to happen. And, yes, I realize that this is not how life works....which is precisely why I want to know what's going to occur in TV Land.

The really ironic part is that sometimes Paul does give me a clue about what's going to happen or outright tells me how it ends and typically I don't believe him. He gives me exactly the answer I wanted: the outcome of the show and I spend the rest of the episode thinking "How in the world is that going to happen like he said? That doesn't make sense." Through the power of Hollywood and creative writing, things usually end tied nicely in a box and what appeared impossible works out in the end. This is TV Land....

In Reality-ville, I often find myself unsure of how things are going to work out, incessantly poking God to find out the next step...I can feel sure of a particular path when I start and then when things take a turn, I question if I heard Him correctly or if I manipulated my Father's words. I completely discount how sure I felt at the outset of His urging. Paul speaks to this in 1 Corinthians 1:6-15:

We do, however, speak a message of wisdom among the mature, but not the wisdom of this age or of the rulers of this age, who are coming to nothing. No, we declare God's wisdom, a mystery that has been hidden and that God destined for our glory before time began. None of the rulers of this age understood it, for if they had, they would not have crucified the Lord of glory. However, it is written:

"'What no eye has seen,

what no ear has heard,

and what no human mind has conceived'

--the things God has prepared 

for those who love him--

these are the things God has revealed to us by his Spirit.

The Spirit searches all things, even the deep things of God. For who knows a person's thoughts except their own spirit within them? In the same way no one knows the thoughts of God except the Spirit of God. What we have received is not the spirit of the world, but the Spirit who is from God, so that we may understand what God has freely given us. This is what we speak, not in words taught us by human wisdom but in words taught by the Spirit, explaining spiritual realities within Spirit-taught words. The person without the Spirit does not accept the things that come from the Spirit of God but considers them foolishness, and cannot understand them because they are discerned only through the Spirit."
1 Corinthians 2:6-15

This is the PEACE we receive to choose a path, make a decision, etc--it's the Holy Spirit revealing things to our spirit that our eyes and ears can't know and likely wouldn't trust. Biblical stories show countless people who witnessed miracles with Jesus there and still struggled to believe. God knew we'd need the Holy Spirit to help out unbelief. Mark 9:14-30 tells the story of a the healing of a boy with an evil spirit. The boy has been possessed since childhood by an evil spirit that has made several attempts to kill him and has robbed him of his speech. The disciples were not successful in driving the spirit out and the father pleaded with Jesus "If you can do anything, take pity on us and help us!" Jesus replies "If you can? Everything is possible for him who believes." The father, having great love for his son, says "I do believe, help me overcome my unbelief!" he believed like Jesus stated but needed his help overcoming his unbelief...how true is this of my life?! I say "ok Lord, I'm with you...but did you see this? Are you aware of this? Oh, and remember this detail? Just making sure you saw all these aspects when you asked me to do x, y and z."

There are decisions in my life that I have felt 100% peace about--I was filled with an overwhelming knowledge and certainty of what course to take. To others it seemed CRAZY! Who am I kidding...to me it seemed crazy but there was still an inarguable, deep-to-the-core peace to walk in one direction over the other. This is when the rubber of faith meets the road of life...DO I have enough faith to trust that this is the Holy Spirit? Am I confident enough to say "this is what the Lord is telling me/us to do?"

Truthfully? Not always. I tend to take all the aspects of a situation and review them "to myself" (i.e. out loud just to make sure the Lord didn't miss something) and then move forward. There have been times when the Lord has moved so big and so fast that I didn't stop to think about anything (quitting my job without having another one lined up, getting married 98 days from our first date). I didn't stop because it was so clearly laid before me that I KNEW the Lord would take care if it. But, as the pleading father put it "I do believe, help me overcome my unbelief." Sometimes, my unbelief grows bigger than my belief. It's in these times when it's hard to just forge ahead without question. It is good to seek advice, it is good to not be rash and it is good to prepare. But it is better to allow the Spirit to guide my life and know that much of what he plans, if known in advance, would not be believed as possible.

My God is big enough to take my incessant poking but he also loves me enough to keep reminding me--through the poking--of the times he's been faithful and the gift I have been given in the Spirit. Even when my unbelief grows bigger than my belief, even when my eyes don't get it and my mind can't comprehend, the Spirit will guide my spirit!

"In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness.

We do not know what we ought to pray for,

but the Spirit himself intercedes for use with groans that words cannot express.

And he who searches our hearts knows the mind of the Spirit,

because the spirit intercedes for the saints in accordance with God's will."

Romans 8:26-27

"Because I said so..."

Am I allowed to be mad at God? The bible describes God as serving many roles....he is our friend, our father, our savior, our groom...this begs the questions:

Is it ok to be mad at a friend?
Is is ok to be mad at a parent?
It is acceptable to be mad at a spouse, fiance or significant other?

Anger is not a sin ("In your anger, do not sin." Ephesians 4:26. Scripture does not say 'don't be angry', it says don't sin when you are angry. This tells me a couple of things: 1) he knows that we are going to be angry and 2) he has given us the tools in HIM to work through that anger.

Regardless, it's taken me a long time to verbalize and even realize that 1) I am mad at God at times and 2) it's ok to tell him this. The Lord knows my heart and my thoughts anyway so if I feel like Cruella DeVil on the inside and try to show him Polly Anna on the outside, he's going to see straight through it. Being mad is also not written in stone--it's an emotion and it can be worked through. The fact that I got mad at a friend once doesn't mean I am forever mad at them. So why do I behave as if this holds true when I am ever mad at God? It's not a sentence ("Lord, I will be mad at you for the next five years!"); it's a journey ("Lord, this is NOT what I want and it hurts...meet me here and open my eyes to what you have for me in this!").

The truth is, there are situations in my life (both in the past and present) about which I am mad at God. I can't see why it has or is occurring and it's simply painful to walk through; painful emotionally and physically. I have driven home screaming and crying at the Lord and laying all my emotions out there in a not-so-ladylike fashion.  I have been/am just MAD! Hold onto this point and shift gears with me for a minute....

One of my least favorite answers growing up was "Because I said so." I vowed I would never use this phrase with my own children. In my mind, there must be a better explanation than simply "because I said so." Imagine my surprise when this came flying out of my mouth during my nanny days. We were deeply entrenched in three-year-old-boy land where the word of the day was always "why?" Often this was a harmless question literally about how things worked (why does the car make that noise, why does the lizard run when I try to catch it, etc). However, on this particular day, every request or direction was met with the insolent question "WHY?"

"Get in the car please." 
"Why?"
"Because we're going to the library."
"Why?"
"To go to story time."
"Why?"
"Because it's what we do every week." 
"Why?"
"Because I SAID SO! Please get in the car!"
"Ok, Rachel."

And there it was, in all its glory. Those four words I swore I would never say.

Why do we tell this to children? We tell them "because I said so" because, as illustrated above, it's often one of the only answers that doesn't elicit the response "why?" But more than this, we (care-giving adults) have been given authority over a child's decisions when they are small and we are trying to protect them. We protect them from being over tired (limiting activities), from things unseen (cancelling the pool trip because the big storm is coming), from harmful things (no playing in the street, don't get in the car with a stranger, etc), and from countless situations that have nothing to do with them.

Regardless of the the protection or authority we are given, you know that when your answer is given, most children don't like it. Like me, they think "Plan B" (i.e. anything other than what they wanted or expected) is the consolation prize. But we know that sometimes what's coming is so much better. We know that the reason we can't go get the coveted new toy today is because they are having a surprise party. We know that cancelling the beach trip this year due to hurricanes ensures safety and survival to take many more beach trips in the future. We know that sometimes it's good for them to be bored running errands or supporting a friend/family member to learn that life is not all about them.

Sometimes kids receive the consolation prize immediately (surprise party instead of toy shopping) and sometimes they wait a long time or may never see the day when the consolation prize is explained. This is where this comes full circle. They get mad, disappointed and sometimes assume this is meant for harm. BUT, no matter what, we (the care-giving adults) know that we are doing our job to protect them. And when there are events from which we can offer little protection, we provide comfort and love.

Why do we parent or take care of children this way? Because this is how it has been modeled by our Heavenly Father. I am his child and am often fully entrenched in 28-year-old-Rachel land where the word of the day is "Why?" He seldom provides a dissertation, nor does he have to, as to why situations occur. Why? Because he is GOD! He says his plans are to prosper and not harm us, he says he loves us, he says if we trust him as savior we are saved and most importantly, he says that all things are for HIS GLORY. There is no reason for him to prove or share the details of His plan....BECAUSE HE SAID SO. It is because of this realization that I can accept these four words that I never wanted to utter. He has authority over my life because I have accepted Christ into my heart--his goal in everything is to bring me closer to Him. 

Now let's connect all these dots....

As I told Jacob many times "You don't have to like my answer, but you have to accept it. Mommy put me in charge to protect you." Well, no one needed to put God in charge--He just is. I don't have to like his answer or the path he asks me to walk--I just have to accept it. If anyone other than the Lord told me "I just have to accept it" my blood would have boiled. Honestly, I get close to the boiling point even when the Lord utters these words to me. It makes me angry sometimes to hear what the Lord is asking me to do. Even though I have learned many times that everything he plans for me is ultimately for His glory and my benefit, I still don't like that he offers me what feels like a consolation prize. But the beauty is that He can take my anger, he knows it's in my heart and he's still there with open arms when I return ready to accept the next step. And what's even more amazing is that a "consolation prize" from the Lord is far better than any Plan A I can ever imagine.

The moral of the story: It's ok to get angry at God for the path he asks me to walk. I need to walk through this anger, talk to him about it and then we can keep walking together. My anger over a situation does not mean I don't have faith or don't love my Savior anymore. It simply means that the part I can understand is not what I want. My anger is not a ploy to get my way. My anger is part of the pathway that must be walked to arrive at the destination He has for me....because He said so.

PS-- The Lord speaks to us at the perfect time in just such a way that we cannot deny it's his voice! In my last post, Dark Chocolate Days, I mentioned a message from the Lord that he cleverly gave me through my Dove chocolate. We have now eaten every chocolate in that bag and not a single other piece contained the same message...the world would say this was coincidence but my heart knows better! Lord, thanks for dipping your message in chocolate!

Dark Chocolate Days

This week at work has been a "trudging through the mud" kind of week. I have stated multiple times that we just "need to dip this day in chocolate!" I left work Wednesday and started my list of errands. I had my detailed to-do list organized in "outline style" and complete with check boxes next to each task. Oh how Target failed me--nothing on my list was available at this location (mind you all the items were Target-specific things). I grabbed a much-needed bag of Dove dark chocolate and a Coke Zero and headed to my next errand. I marched into JoAnn Fabrics with soda in hand and chocolate in my purse. Then I stood, mind reeling, taking in all the glorious fabrics! So much I could make, so little time! Focus--back to my list. I checked each box off gleefully and even used more than one coupon--this was success! Off I went to my second Target location of the evening. Victory--they had everything I needed in abundance and best of all, now each box on my list had a wonderful ü-mark inside it. 

Exhausted from the week, I was feeling a bit better post chocolate, soda and fabric purchasing. So, at home I got to work and even completed some sewing projects--pure bliss! As I went to bed something changed; I was very overwhelmed with life in general and my mind wouldn't stop. While the evening was momentarily better than my day had gone, it was a brief fix. The thought of going to work seemed VERY unappealing (not that I am against working in general--I just don't love my job) and suddenly the idea that I have NO control over the future was weighing on my heart. I was done--D.O.N.E. (This might seem like an obvious realization--having no control over the future--but I would venture that I am not the only one who lives in this facade of knowing what tomorrow holds and how my life will look in a few years. If I'm alone here, I'll hold down the camp myself, but my guess is I have some company). 

I finally fell asleep but woke up this morning and just started crying. I'd had a bad dream and woke from it very abruptly. It wasn't even that the events in the dream were that terrible--it was just overwhelming--I could physically feel the weight of the dream on my shoulders. If I was done last night--now I was overdone! As Paul aptly verbalized "Sleep is supposed to be restful, not overwhelming." We got out of bed and in a brief moment of wisdom, I packed three glistening Dove chocolates in my lunch.

My work day was not shaping up to be much better than the previous three days (I feel like I should note that much of what makes work hard is that it is not where I want to be and as such, there are a lot of aspects that are frustrating). At lunch, I called Paul to vent and had a very super-sized pity party about work annoyances and my lingering uneasiness of life being very unknown. After my pity party I grabbed one of my wonderfully medicinal chocolates and decided I needed to have my quiet time from this morning. Oh, the wonderful tools the Lord uses to speak to me:

THEN, I read Psalm 22 (verses 1-5 and 14-15 really stood out to me):

My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?

Why are you so far from saving me, 

so far from the words of my groaning?

O my God, I cry out by day, but you do not answer,

by night, and am not silent.

You are enthroned as the Holy One;

you are the praise of Israel.

In you our fathers put their trust;

they trusted and you delivered them.

They cried to you and were saved;

in you they trusted and were not disappointed.

****

I am poured out like water,

and all my bones are out of joint.

My heart had turned to wax;

it has melted away within me.

My strength is dried up like a potsherd,

and my tongue sticks to the roof of my mouth;

you lay me in the dust of death.

This is right where my heart has been and in this moment-following my self-centered pity party and general poor attitude,-here at this perfect time, when I needed to hear from my Lord, He spoke.

Lord, you ARE here, THIS is for a purpose (every day, every conversation, every heartbreak, every trial)...and it's even dipped in chocolate!

Strong and Courageous?!

A few months ago, I picked up the little book at the christian bookstore called "the little book of HOPE". This tiny book is packed full of amazing truth from scripture--it's great! The chapter I have been reading for the last couple of days is entitled "Beyond Fear". Perhaps by design or sheer circumstance many of the verses noted and the quotes included use the phrase "strong and courageous." I'll be honest, as I noticed this trend I was a bit annoyed by it....Sure, Lord, it's easy to be strong and courageous when things are going our way but how can you tell me to be strong and courageous when things are tough and unfair and crushing?! How can you tell me to react like this when you have not gone through the situation I faced a few years ago, you didn't have that conversation with that family member last month, you don't understand what it's like to face the phone call I got a few weeks ago, you don't know what it's like to walk in my shoes and face this, that and the other....I kept on like this for a few minutes until I realized I was 100% wrong. Life can often feel like I'm walking uphill, like my walk is on display, the terrain is often irregular, or I just can't get my footing. But, He gets this because He walked this earth and faced hardship, struggle and even death. He gets it! (He might have created me with a good deal of spunk but sometimes it takes my spunk a little longer to connect all the dots.)

The passages and quotes weren't simply stating "Be strong and courageous, period." They give a way to be like this....

Joshua 1:9
"Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go." The Lord is with me, thus I can be strong and courageous...

Psalm 27:14
"Wait for the Lord; be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord." This is preceded by verses 4-5 which state: "The one thing I ask of the Lord--the thing I seek most--is to live in the house of the Lord all the days of my life, delighting in the Lord's perfections and meditating on his Temple. For he will conceal me there when troubles come; he will hide me in his sanctuary. He will place me out of reach on a high rock. Then I will hold my head high above my enemies who surround me." I'll return to the rock idea later but based on this, I can be strong because the Lord is going to place me on a rock away from enemies--even if I have to wait--he's coming!

Psalm 31:24
"Be strong and take heart, all you who hope in the Lord." What do I hope in? If I hope in the Lord then I can be strong!

Then, I was reading the One Year Bible and the Old Testament passage on 7/19 included 1 Chronicles 28:20.
"Be strong and courageous, and do the work. Do not be afraid or discouraged, for the Lord God, my God, is with you. He will not fail you or forsake you." (This was especially moving because I struggle a lot with not loving my job but knowing this is where the Lord is telling me to stay--"do the work.") I can be strong because God is with me and will not forsake me.

BUT--back to my tirade from earlier--what's a girl to do when she doesn't feel strong or courageous? Charles Spurgeon says it better that I can articulate: "God is too good to be unkind. He is too wise to be confused. If I cannot trace his hand, I can always trust his heart." So what is a girl to do? Trust His heart! Because I have trusted Christ as my savior, I can stand on His word--all of it. As my friend eloquently described it "scripture is not a buffet--it's either all true or none of it is." I am firmly planted in the camp that every word of scripture is true.

Thus, I can trust every word including Psalm 23:6
"Surely goodness and love will follow me all the days of my life, and I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever."

So I'm dwelling in the house of the Lord and trusting that goodness and love are following me, right? I'm waiting on the Lord and doing the work. But I still have times when I feel weak and fearful--what am I missing?! Psalm 40 paints such an awesome picture of the piece I often miss...I have clung to this psalm for years through various events and trials. Each time I return to it, it provides more than the last time....

I waited patiently for the Lord to help me,

and he turned to me and heard my cry.

He lifted me out of the pit of despair, 

out of the mud and the mire. 

He set my feet on solid ground and steadied me as I walked along.

He has given me a new song to sing,

a hymn of praise to our God.

Many will see what he has done and be amazed. 

They will put their trust in the Lord.

Oh, the joys of those who trust the Lord, 

who have no confidence in the proud or in those who worship idols.

O Lord my God, you have performed many wonders for us. 

Your plans for us are too numerous to list.

You have no equal.

If I tried to recite all your wonderful deeds, I would never come to the end of them.

You take no delight in sacrifices or offerings.

Now that you have made me listen, I finally understand--

you don't require burnt offerings or sin offerings. 

Then I said, "Look, I have come. As it is written about me in scripture:

I take joy in doing your will, my God, for your instructions are written on my heart."

I have told all your people about your justice. 

I have not been afraid to speak out, as you, O Lord, well know.

I have not kept the good news of your justice hidden in my heart; 

I have talked about your faithfulness and saving power.

I have told everyone in the great assembly of your unfailing love and faithfulness.

Lord, don't hold back your tender mercies from me.

Let your unfailing love and faithfulness always protect me.

For troubles surround me--too many to count!

My sins pile up so high I can't see my way out. 

They outnumber the hairs on my head. 

I have lost all courage.

Please, Lord, rescue me! Come quickly, Lord and help me.

May those who try to destroy me be humiliated and put to shame. 

May those who delight in my trouble be turned back in disgrace.

Let them be horrified by their shame, for they said, "Aha! We've got him now!"

But may all who search for you be filled with joy and gladness in you.

May those who love your salvation repeatedly shout, "The Lord is great!"

As for me, since I am poor and needy, let the Lord keep me in his thoughts.

You are my helper and my savior.

O my God, do not delay.

Oh my goodness, there is so much in these 17 verses....He lifts me out of the mud and mire. He gives me a firm place to stand (remember Psalm 27 above, same idea, different words--He will place me out of reach on a high rock). Then, the psalmist states "I have lost all courage" yet he ends with "you are my helper and my savior. O my God, do not delay." The psalmist didn't just become courageous a few verses after saying he had lost it. He was pleading with the Lord to provide this for him; asking him not to delay and surrendering to his Lord being his helper. There it is--more dots being connected...

The phrase "strong and courageous" doesn't mean being Super Man (ok, Wonder Woman) everyday or maintaining a Polly Anna facade regardless of the circumstances of life. Strength and courage are provided by the Lord not by me (phew!). I access them by asking my God to not delay, shedding my superhero mask and Polly Anna smile, and praying realistically about where I am in the moment. Out of the mud and the mire will come the ROCK His word assures me will come! I can go uphill, sideways and upside down. I can be on display and have the terrain change in an instant. Even when my enemies surround me, I will be given strength and courage through my helper, my Savior....my ROCK!

Lessons from my herbs

          

    

  

I was recently given three adorable pots for my patio....one contained basil, the next oregano and the last one rosemary. I definitely do not have a green thumb and manage to kill most plants shortly after receiving them--but not this time. This time, I'm going to invest the time and learn what these plants need so I can keep them alive and reap the benefits of their growth--cooking with fresh herbs!!

When I received these 3 plants they had recently been transplanted to their new homes in my pots. Thus, I was instructed that they needed a bit more TLC at the beginning because they were getting established. So I have checked them daily to make sure they are still moist--not wet--and watered them accordingly. And I have paid enough attention that I can see they are growing and appear to be doing well. So I got brave the other night and decided I wanted fresh herbs. So out to the patio I went with the scissors. A little trim here, cut a sprig there, smell the fragrance and trim a little more. At first I was worried it was too soon since they were getting established but their sweet smell put me over the top so I had to use them!! Even though I had done very little to help these three little plants grow thus far, there was a real sense of accomplishment as I finished cooking with herbs grown on my patio. I was relaying my triumph to one of the sweet friends who gave me my herbs and she said "Oh, good! You need to use them! The more you prune them, the more they grow." I was telling this to Paul and we both looked at each other as the same thought occurred to us simultaneously...

"Why are we surprised when we are pruned by God?" Like the herbs, when we are pruned our faith is increased and we grow closer to the Lord. Unless we are dealing with mandrake plants from Hogwarts (you can blame my husband for bringing out my inner nerd), the plants don't scream in protest as they are pruned. Rather, they are there offering the fruits of their vines for the taking. When I used the fresh herbs, my recipes were yummier than if I had used dried ones. Life is also "yummier" when the Lord trims a little here and snips a bit there; we are exposed to things we never would have seen before and experience things outside of ourselves. The pruning puts the produced fruit to use and allows new growth--growth that CAN'T happen without the pruning. As much as the pruning might hurt me in the moment, the growth and lessons learned require the discomfort.

Luckily for me, the herbs I was given enjoy full sun and really do better with less water rather than more--this is where they THRIVE. Some herbs prefer the shade and a wet environment--this is where they THRIVE. If I take one that likes dry and over water it, it will drown--no fruit. If one that likes water never receives any it chokes--no fruit. BUT, when I give each what they need and create an environment suited to their characteristics, they THRIVE. I don't know about you but sometimes (ahem, all the time) I find myself looking at others thinking 'I couldn't handle that situation' or 'I wish that was all I had to handle' or I am simply annoyed because they aren't going through what I am going through. Looking at my herbs taught me something--perhaps that other person needs the heat while I need the moisture and shade or vice versa. Maybe I'd drown if given that much and they'd choke without exactly what they've been given. Unlike the herbs, I think we thrive under different circumstances at different times in our lives and the wonderful thing is that God knows exactly what I need. He also knows what is going to cause me to drown, choke and THRIVE at any given moment. As the seasons change, I will have to move my herbs to the dining room table because they are not suited to freezing temperatures. As the seasons change in my life, the Lord changes how he provides his love to me. It's always there, it's simply delivered in exactly the way I need it in that season.

I did not want to have this epiphany at first because if this is true (and I believe it is) then this means that through the Lord, I have everything I need to THRIVE in my current situation. As the variables change, He is the one thing that never will. Did you catch that? Through the Lord, I have everything I need to THRIVE in my current situation. This is really hard to swallow when you don't like all aspects of the current situation, but to me it is also encouraging that as He prunes me, I'm going to grow. Growth is movement forward and that is a step closer to the Lord and thus, a step closer to the dreams he has placed in my heart.

Wow....all of this from herbs! I'll leave you with the words of Christ:

"I am the true vine, and my Father is the gardener. 

He cuts off every branch in me that bears no fruit, 

while every branch that does bear fruit he prunes so that it will be even more fruitful. 

You are already clean because of the word I have spoken to you. 

Remain in me and I will remain in you. 

No branch can bear fruit by itself; it must remain in the vine. 

Neither can you bear fruit unless you remain in me.

I am the vine; you are the branches. If a man remains in me and I in him,

he will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing. 

If anyone does not remain in me, he is like a branch that is thrown away and withers;

such branches are picked up, thrown into the fire and burned.

If you remain in me and my words remain in you, ask whatever you wish, 

and it will be given you. This is to my Father's glory, that you bear much fruit,

showing yourselves to be my disciples."

John 15:1-8

"Music is what feelings sound like." --Unknown

Music is an amazing thing to me...I can hear a song and be transported back to high school instantly....or feel like I'm in the middle of the gym if that song is on my workout playlist....or be immediately back to the day I said "I do"....a good song on the radio can lift my mood and give me a new outlook....and it can also be the tool through which God speaks to my heart. Of all the things music can do, this is by far my favorite.

"Those who danced were thought to be quite insane by those who could not hear the music."

Angela Monet

Before I was a believer, I couldn't hear the music from the Holy Spirit--and admittedly thought that those people who "heard the Lord" speak to them were a little nutty! Oh, the sense of humor our Lord has since I probably say daily "that's what the Lord is telling me." Now that I am a believer, I GET IT!  On the surface is what everyone hears--but underneath is the gentle, steadfast, unwavering message from above! 

Lately, music has become the way I hear the Lord most clearly.....I start my car and the perfect song is playing. I hit shuffle on iTunes and songs play in a wonderfully powerful order. I go to choir practice and we start working on a song I was just moved by on the radio. I show up Sunday morning and the songs we offer in praise could have come directly from my thoughts. I found some fantastic quotes about music that further illustrate its power...

"Words make you think a thought. 

Music makes you feel a feeling. 

A song makes you feel a thought."

E.Y. Harburg

"Music speaks what cannot be expressed, soothes the mind and give rest, 

heals the heart and makes it whole, flows from Heaven to the Soul." 

Unknown

"Music expresses that which cannot be put into words and cannot remain silent."

Victor Hugo

And it gets better....songs that speak to me and my circumstance can speak to you too about YOUR circumstance!! How amazing is our wonderful Creator that He can make things so universally specific (I'm aware that 'universally specific' is dangerously close to an oxymoron but I promise in this case it's the only way to describe my God)!! One of my favorite songs these days is "Blessings" by Laura Story. I heard on the radio the other day that Laura wrote this song after her husband received a cancer diagnosis. As I am sitting typing this, a friend posted a YouTube video of that song on Facebook and mentioned how it moves her to tears each time she hears it. Within minutes, her post was flooded with comments of people stating how it has touched them as well. No one needed to mention exactly how or why it touched them; just that it had. This illustrates the universally specific nature of God so perfectly. Everyone received their own gentle, steadfast, unwavering message from above!

For days now, I have been listening to one playlist incessantly. It's titled "HOPE" because that is the message the Lord spoke to me through each song...

HOPE playlist

(links to YouTube video or lyrics as available)

1. Blessings, Laura Story
2. Stronger, Mandisa
3. Your Great Name, Natalie Grant (there's also a choral arrangement I couldn't find)
4. This Road, Ginny Owens
5. Glorious Day, Casting Crowns
6. Better Than A Hallelujah, Amy Grant
7. Arms of Love (2010 Version), Amy Grant
8. I Will Lift My Eyes, Bebo Norman
9. Trust and Obey, Big Daddy Weave
10. You are Loved, Josh Groban
11. He'll Take Care of the Rest, Keith Green
12. Washed by the Water, Needtobreathe
13. Out of My Hands, Matthew West
14. Spring is Coming, Stephen Curtis Chapman
15. Every Season, Nichole Nordeman

HOPE does not disappoint...

Romans 5:1-5, NIV (emphasis mine)

Therefore, since we have been justified through faith, 

we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, 

through whom we have gained access by faith into this grace in which we now stand. 

And we rejoice in the hope of the glory of God. 

Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, 

because we know that suffering produces perseverance; 

perseverance, character; and character, hope. 

And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured our his love 

into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us. 

Throughout the disappointments in life, I have often attempted to console myself by saying "I shouldn't have gotten my hopes up" or "I'm trying not to get my hopes up until I know what's going to happen." I had a revelation recently when I read this passage in Romans."...suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope." After reading several translations of this passage, I moved on to the thesaurus:

suffering

difficulty, ache, misfortune, agonize, disadvantage, 

impaired, endure, affliction, ordeal, discomfort

perseverance

steadfastness, tenacity, purposefulness, diligence,

stamina, diligence, hard work, dedication, endurance

character

courage, honor, uprightness, status, 

integrity, intelligence, reputation

hope

utopia, confidence, achievement, belief, anticipation, 

desire, expectancy, endurance, faith

When I plugged in any of these synonyms into the scripture, the passage really started to speak and come alive. Then it hit me! My mindset of not getting my hopes up and my typical way of dealing with challenges is OPPOSITE of the way this passage outlines. And it's exactly how Satan wants us to go through life. Like the first image shows below, sufferings are the gray, all encompassing cloud. This cloud effects our perseverance which in turn, effects our character and in the end, the only thing left is a tiny bit of hope. While it's present, we arrived there because everything else was stripped away when the suffering took control. 

I earnestly believe this is not how He intended this passage to be interpreted. It should look more like the second image above. As I was milling over the words and reading the various translations, it started to become clear. Our sufferings (big, small and everything in between) help to create and fuel our perseverance. This molds our character which allows us to rest on the foundation of HOPE. It's not all that's left; it's what all the other stuff was pointing us towards all along. 

Now, does this mean that our sufferings never knock the wind out of us? That it will never feel like the rug was ripped out from under our feet? That I am not being faithful if I break down in tears over life's circumstances? Certainly not! Life is hard and Satan is working as hard as he can to remove hope all together.  So what does this mean? I don't have the answer for everyone, but what I can share is what the Lord spoke to me...."Are you getting your hopes up for something I have promised you or something the world has promised you? Notice verse 5, Rachel, verse 5." 

Romans 5:5, NLT

And this hope will not lead to disappointment. For we know how

dearly God loves us, because he has given us the Holy Spirit 

to fill our hearts with his love.

The sufferings and the part I can see now might be disappointing. But His word says that the HOPE we have in Christ will not lead to disappointment. How does this work? Having the faith to trust that sometimes what I perceive as bad serves a very real purpose for His glory. And knowing that no matter how hard it gets, I am not alone and God has not forgotten about me.

We talked recently about expectations in our Sunday school class. The long and short of it was that there are two kinds of expectations: inherent and assigned. If I expect rain to be wet, that is an inherent expectation because water is wet. If I expect rain to taste like candy, this is an assigned expectation because it is not part of water's make-up. This same thing can be applied to God. I can expect him to do what his word says, I can expect him to act out of love, I can expect him to be good, I can expect him to hear my prayers. All of these things are inherent in who God is. If I expect him to give me everything I ask for when I ask for it, make me a millionaire instantly and wipe cancer off the earth, these are assigned expectations. God is capable of all these things, but they are still expectations I am placing upon him rather than characteristics he already possesses.

God could take all my sufferings away and make my life like the ending of any Disney movie. But if this passage is true, and I believe that it is, my sufferings (and those in this world) are instrumental to seeing the beauty and majesty of the HOPE we have in Christ. A HOPE that will NOT disappoint and will overflow upon us:

Romans 5:3-5, The Message

In alert expectancy such as this, we're never left feeling shortchanged.

Quite the contrary--we can't round up enough containers to hold

everything God generously pours into our lives through the Holy Spirit.

I'm still going to cry when things are disappointing, and life is going to seem unfair sometimes. I'm going to have sleepless nights and days when I just can't see past the suffering. But as long as I allow the HOPE to influence my suffering rather than the suffering to dictate my hope then Satan hasn't won. As we sang in VBS when I was a child "If the devil doesn't like it, he can sit on a tack!"

Day 555: Hope deferred makes the heart sick....

...but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life. Proverbs 12:13

For the 6th month in a row, I got my hopes up and was devastated when we found out were weren't pregnant AGAIN. I know to those who are struggling (or have struggled) with infertility this might seem like a drop in the bucket but in the midst of it, it has felt like an eternity.

A couple of posts ago, I put the lyrics to Laura Story's song "Blessings"--this song has been resonating in my heart for the past month, but it came full circle this last week. I had been having potential pregnancy symptoms and had even circled the day on my calendar that I was allowed to take a pregnancy test--the countdown had begun! Paul and I are both so excited to become parents and hopefully impart some level of wisdom to our kids. And then...the dream shattered again this month...no baby. My rock of a husband sweetly held me and told me it would be ok. Even through my sobbing questions of "what if we never have a baby?" he was filled with scripture and silence at all the right times. The next day was a chore at work. No, that's not strong enough. It was like walking through mud while wearing cement boots. It's no big secret that the novelty of my job has long since worn off. I've definitely been taken me out of my comfort zone of social situations and put  in a cube on the phone all day long...but, this is where the Lord has me and I know that to be just as true today as the day I left the interview.

So back to my cement boots in the mud. I fought tears all day and felt very discouraged and disappointed and was mad at God. That's right, he can take it--I was mad we weren't pregnant, mad that this is my job and mad that I still feel like my purpose is not defined. There is a picture in my living room of my mom and me. I'm still in a high chair and we are at some church function and she is spoon-feeding me something yummy. The expression on her face says "life can't get any better"--I want this!! Laying down my own desires is hard. I think I realized this week that one of the reasons I want to be a mom so desperately right now is that I have this undercurrent of thoughts that it is THE purpose for me in life. I am not as good a wife as I thought I would be (ok, being a good wife does not come as easily to me as I thought it would), I feel like I have had a string of unfulfilling jobs (even though they have contained aspects where I can see the Lord's fingerprints) and I really want to do something that makes me feel fulfilled. Being a mom must be it, right?  BUT the piece I am missing is at the end of this song ("Blessings") I am now obsessed with:

what if my greatest disappointments, and the aching of this life

is the revealing of a greater thirst, this world can't satisfy

 In January, I started reading through the One Year Bible and by His grace I am still on track. After my "cement boot" day trudging through mud, I was home on the treadmill reading the passages for that day and crying (sounds waaaay more dangerous now than in the moment). The Psalm for the day was Psalm 126:1-5. It talks about those the Lord brought back from captivity. They left with tears and came back with joy.

1 When the LORD brought back the captives to Zion,

we were like men who dreamed.

2 Our mouths were filled with laughter, our tongues with songs of joy. Then it was said among the nations, "The LORD has done great things for them."
3 The LORD has done great things for us, and we are filled with joy. 4 Restore our fortunes, O LORD, like streams in the Negev. 5 Those who sow in tears will reap with songs of joy.

I knew I'd landed on this Psalm before and then it hit me! I have a birthday card hanging in my cubicle of a brunette little girl jumping on the beach as a wave approaches. Guess what verse is on that card? You guessed it!

I have always loved this card because of the message, and while it keeps it in its proper context, I had never read the entire Psalm. Looking at all 5 verses adds so much power to the message. It came alive for a couple of reasons:   

• Captivity: this is how I feel at work. I feel like I am out of place and don't really enjoy it but the repeated answer from the Lord is "I have a plan and purpose, trust me." 
• Going out with tears and returning with joy: even though this season feels bad now and I think I'm an emotional wreck, going out towards what the Lord has (even with tears) and trusting God means returning with joy every time!

A couple of weeks ago, part of the daily reading in the One Year Bible was 1 Samuel 1 and 2. I encourage you to read these two chapters for yourself to fully grasp the message. The story is of Elkanah and Hannah. The Lord had closed Hannah's womb and because of this, her rival "kept provoking her in order to irritate her." For years, Hannah longed for a baby but was provoked to tears by her rival because she was unable to have children. Despite this provoking and heartache, Hannah was honest with the Lord and poured out her soul ("I have been praying here out of my great anguish and grief."). And, then verse 20 in all it's glory:

"So in the course of time Hannah conceived and gave birth to a son.

She named him Samuel, saying, "Because I asked the Lord for him."

If I had my way, this would read "instantly Hannah conceived..." (I know, I know...the queen of patience.) Nevertheless this was a very timely passage because it shows clearly the Lord's faithfulness and compassion to Hannah's outpouring of her heart! How wonderful is that?!?! Despite the provoking from her rival, she continued to pour out her soul, she remained faithful and in return, the Lord gave her a son. Continuing through chapter 2 you see an amazing prayer of thanksgiving and praise when she dedicated him to the Lord. She continued in her faithfulness and received the blessing of 3 sons and 2 daughters. She received over and beyond what she ever could have imagined and all of this was sparked by her despair and grief while her womb was closed. Again, I encourage you to read at least these 2 chapters for yourself because I am certainly not doing the story justice.

What this journey (so far) has allowed me to see is the strength of my husband. I've always known it was there but have not needed it like I have in the past few months. Knowing someone is strong and relying on their strength are very different. When you can't be strong, can't encourage yourself, and can't feel or hear the Lord's promises, the strength of someone you love is amplified. I have also realized what an amazing blessing this time really is. We would welcome a baby tomorrow if that is what the Lord had, but in the meantime, our simple nights on the couch watching Smallville (or whatever series is next in the queue) are priceless and wonderful!!

The Lord has spent much of the last week connecting a lot of dots for me in this journey. On my way home from work today Paul and I were talking on the phone and yet another dot was revealed....the Lord rejoices with us when things go well, but it was not until I was in what felt like the deepest valley, sobbing over not being pregnant this month that I was able to hear him this clearly. And more than just hearing...because I was out of my own strength, I couldn't stand in the way of what He was telling me. I was able to hear His words from those around me and really take them in (like the sage advice from my mom to try and enjoy this time with my husband). In the midst of tears when I thought things were crumbling, TRUTH was crashing down on me so clearly there was no way to miss it. It was a process not an epiphany; each day revealing a new "dot" and some fantastic (and sometimes hard to swallow) truth about my Savior. Unlike the dot-to-dots we did as kids, these dots aren't numbered so only God knows which one is next.

Do I wish I had more input on my dot-to-dot? Sometimes
Do I want a baby any less than I did last week? No. 
Do I want children more than I want to be obedient? No. 

Hope deferred makes the heart sick...

but a longing fulfilled is the tree of life. 

Proverbs 13:12