First, we have to start with what I affectionately call "the day there was no baby." It's a Tuesday morning and I'm 39 weeks and 4 days pregnant. I'd been having contractions every four minutes for six hours and was sure this was labor. Every "test" kept giving me the green light: took a bath, laid down to rest, stood, sat, relaxed, watched TV, ate....like clockwork, they continued every four minutes. I called family and told them it was the beginning of labor. We went to the OB and I was progressing (4cm and 70%) but not enough for admission, and my contractions were now 6-7 minutes apart. So after the non-stress test to ensure Eva was doing ok, we were sent home to walk. I went home and donned workout clothes and tennis shoes and headed out for a walk....at lunchtime, in Texas, in June. Me and my puffy hands returned a few minutes later hot, swelling, and still contracting.
And then everything stopped. As if someone had slammed on the breaks, labor just stopped. Some family was in town, my husband had taken the day off of work, we were ready to meet this precious baby and it stopped. This was my third baby...how in the world did I not know this wasn't real labor?!?! Emotions ran high as I felt guilt for pulling the fire alarm when there was no fire, I was beyond disappointed, confused, admittedly angry, and just not in a good place. While I went to the gym later to attempt to restart labor, in my heart I didn't want to be in this place mentally when she was born. The next day we got out of the house just to have something to do and let's say I was less than enjoyable to be around. My family endured a great deal on the day there was no baby...and I was still so confused.
Facebook showed me a Max Lucado quote I had posted four years ago. Before we had babies and just before we started fertility testing: "God is good. He knows what he is doing. When you can't trace his hand, trust his heart." I was immensely disappointed at not having a baby and all the while I KNEW this was the plan even though I didn't understand.
Family went home, calm returned to my home, and we still had no baby. Thursday we tried to get back to normal and a friend posted this on Facebook (which isn't always so chalked full of Truth but this week it was):
"Truth and encouragement for your Thursday--mine too! 2 Corinthians 4:16-18 'Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.'"
WOW! I had to sit and unpack that for a bit...
- This friend had no idea I was struggling and God spoke to my heart through her.
- "Being renewed day by day." When Sophie was born, I was DONE being pregnant and did not have a great attitude about being given the gift of carrying another baby. I carried guilt around for a while for that attitude and made a deliberate effort to remain thankful for the duration this time. How was I able to do that?! Because God renews us DAY by DAY!!
- "Momentary troubles...achieving for us an eternal glory..." Pregnancy does not last forever. Period.
- Focus not on the seen (temporary) but on the unseen (eternal): pregnancy is visible, the very real baby inside is unseen. Growing her is numbered and pregnancy ends, but the soul she has is eternal.
We enjoyed take out for dinner and great conversation. Kitty left about 10:45pm. At about 11:30, as I'm getting ready for bed, I started having contractions. I was so skeptical and assumed they'd fade like the earlier ones had. Remember, I'm making history here, right?! At midnight, unable to stay upright through each one, I called the OB. I was told to call back if I hadn't gotten a phone call in 15 minutes. I laid down to wait and woke up to my phone ringing at 1am. The OB had been in surgery and wasn't able to call me back sooner. I explained how unsure I was based on the events of the week and how I didn't want to jump the gun again. She heard my contractions and very frankly said that if we wanted to come in, she was unlikely to send me home this pregnant and with my body clearly prepping for labor. We called Kitty to come back and stay with kids and arrived at the hospital just before 2am.
Dr Miller* confirmed that I was legitimately in labor and was now at 5cm and 90%. At 2:45am they were getting us admitted so we called family. Mom, Dad, sisters...no one answered. We left messages and texts and just kind of stared at one another. What are the odds that no one would pick up!?! I knew this was divine. This time was ours. Just Paul, me, and this new baby. The week leading up to this felt crazy, emotional, disappointing....and in this moment, when no one answered, no one knew, so began the beautiful undercurrent of peace and joy.
For the first time in three labors I finally grasped the real importance of breathing and doing it intentionally. I was having some intense contractions and had felt like she was ready to come for weeks so I was debating epidural or no epidural. Dr. Miller was so helpful in laying out the options and being 100% supportive of all of them. Ultimately we decided to get the epidural. My contractions were as intense as her sister's had been, albeit being managed better through breathing, but I wasn't dilating very rapidly. I got the epidural at 5am and shortly after had a brief scare of feeling nauseous and light-headed and Eva was not reacting very well to what my body was doing. It passed quickly and we were told it was very common following an epidural. I was able to get a little rest and at about 6:30am I felt a marked change in pressure and felt like I needed to push.
Dr. Miller came in and I was 100% but still at 8-9cm. We decided to have her break my water to encourage complete dilation. The epidural had definitely done its job but its effects were waning. And having pushed so little with Lucy and Sophie, having to push more while feeling it was quite a shift. It got so intense at one point that I was shouting "I can't do this!!" Dr. Miller, the nurse, and Paul were such amazing cheerleaders and encouraged me the whole time. Almost immediately after my declaration, at 7:06am, with my eyes closed, Eva was plopped on my chest. I had such a flood of emotions from the pain and sheer joy of meeting this sweet little girl! She cried briefly and then nestled in and started nursing. Her cry was definitely her own and immediately we noticed her full head of dark hair!?! She was a new flavor of Nixon for sure and absolutely perfect!
For half an hour the undercurrent of peace and joy continued to flow. Eva nursed, the nurse, Dr Miller, Paul and I sat talking and relaxing. We just sat, y'all. No one wanted to stop her from eating and we were all kind of in awe of how calm the room felt the entire time. The nurses had changed shifts just before she was born and Dr. Miller was on for another hour. It was just after 7am but a storm was rolling in so even the appearance of morning happened more gradually than normal. Time literally stopped as we took in our new, very round, daughter.
At 7:36am, we were all still sitting there letting her nurse and talking, and my phone rang. It was Mom and I answered it by saying "She's here!" We hadn't even gotten her stats yet because Eva was still dictating our actions. Once she was done nursing they cleaned her up and got her weight and length. 7lbs 1oz and 19.5inches....
Paul went home to help Kitty get the big sisters ready to meet Eva. When they arrived, it was the sweetest moment for them to take in that she was no longer in my belly. They looked a bit confused at first and then just giggled when they saw her in her bed. Lucy was so attentive when she cried and wanted to calm her down and Sophie was so gentle touching her head, face, hands...After a sweet, joy-filled, and peaceful visit the girls went home for lunch and naps. We cherished the fact that they got to meet her with just us and that we could relish in some precious time as a family of 5.
There wasn't a postpartum room available so we got to stay in the huge delivery room for most of the day. In stages family arrived and we got to introduce the newest Nixon. When we finally headed over to postpartum, I had showered, changed clothes, and was feeling good. More friends and family arrived after we settled in and our undercurrent remained: peace and joy!
We do not regret one moment of Lucy's or Sophie's births with all our family and friends waiting in the lobby to meet each respectively. We are also so thankful that God made it so evident that he was in charge of making each detail of THIS day peaceful and full of joy for Eva. Being the third baby, it is seldom quiet around her and her birth story exudes both of these qualities and had she been born Tuesday, her story would have been very different*.
Lucy was our miracle; Sophie our marvel; Eva is most definitely our JOY!
*Dr Miller delivered Sophie and we adored what she brought to the labor room. I so badly wanted her to deliver Eva but I knew she had been out on maternity leave was typically not on call on Friday. God knew the practice had changed their schedule and that she was back for a few weeks in the middle of maternity leave at just such a time. Any physician would have been able to deliver Eva and it would have been great but God gave me that deep desire to show me how much he saw me. Tuesday, it felt like he didn't, or that he had forgotten to keep labor going. What he did was take each and every detail in his hand to show me how much he loves me. No one but God could have aligned it all this wonderfully.
