Don't Stop...

In college, I had the opportunity to travel to Ukraine on a mission trip. One task while there was to be paired with a translator and knock on doors telling people about the VBS we'd be offering for kids. We hoped that this would spark conversations about Jesus or at the very least get kids to come each day so they could hear the message of salvation.

This was my first mission trip ever and my first time to be so far from home. It was winter in Ukraine and this Texas girl was cold and experiencing a bit of culture shock. One of the funniest realizations I had was that animals in different countries say different things (seems obvious, but it was news to me). I fell in love with the yummy chocolate bars that had air bubbles in them and was reminded of my grandmother's frugality when dinner leftovers were served for breakfast. It was an amazing week of eye-opening cultural differences, political issues, and God's provision.

And somewhere along the way, my body decided to revolt. I slipped getting out of the shower in our hotel and ended up with a sore head, knee, and ribcage. And then I got a UTI. Not only could I not call mom to get advice but cranberry juice wasn't very common in Ukraine. Sore, feeling embarrassed, and having to pee every few minutes, there I was in the snow knocking on doors hoping to show people Jesus.

All I wanted to do was go home. If I'd be in Texas, I would have. I would have told the team I wasn't up to this today and no one would have faulted me for heading home for some meds and rest. But I wasn't home, leaving wasn't a choice, and we had a mission more important than how I felt. I can't help but see a parallel lesson in motherhood.

Paul and I do not make babies who sleep. I mean, eventually they figure it out but it is just not how they are wired. So many days I want to just lay on the couch and watch shows all day long. And we have. We've had days filled with shows and snacks and pajamas and mama dozing on and off all day. And at the end of it all, the kids are going stir crazy and I still feel tired and blah. More often than not, we have days that demand action: the refluxing infant doesn't like it when I sit, the potty training toddler has to potty every 20 minutes, the two year old can't make the legos build her tower, sisters struggling to share, laundry that doesn't fold itself, grocery store lists, attitudes that need adjusting. How often do I start my day feeling defeated and just wanting to "go home" like I did in Ukraine? How often do I not want to correct a poor behavior choice, follow through on a punishment, or capitalize on a teachable moment? And how often do I want to give up because I'm tired, sore, or been head-butted one too many times by a sleeping baby or over-zealous toddler?

Our efforts that week in Ukraine went a long way to helping the local church establish relationships with the community. It went a long way in paving the way for them to continue Kingdom work. What if I had gone home? What if I had laid down instead of pushing through? What if I had been given the option to stop? I have no doubt that VBS would have continued and lives would have been touched. But, the doors I knocked on might have been missed, the people that asked me questions might not have gotten answers, and I wouldn't have had the opportunity for God's strength to shine in my weakness.

I see this daily now. I still want to lay on the couch, I still snap at my kiddos, and get frustrated at the never ending laundry. But when I remember to approach the Lord and ask for his help, I see strength fill me despite my selfish desires. I hear his lessons come out of my mouth to my kids and know my heart needs them most of all.

This is the living version of 2 Corinthians 12:9

But he said to me "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. 

Not having an option to stop and go home can be scary but it also allows us to experience our weaknesses through a different lens: Christ!

And when I have the days filled with the wrong reactions....like the really wrong reactions....the kind where you know what you should say but you have this strange out of body experience where you see yourself losing it, screaming, being irrational and you wonder what is wrong with that nutty mom only to realize that it's you. When I have those days, where stopping is most certainly not an option, but failing most certainly is, I know God's grace is new every morning. I apologize to my kids and show them I am real, I ask God to show me himself in a very REAL way, and we keep moving forward. Oh, how I wish I wasn't God's toddler, having to heed the same lessons over and over again. But I am, and if I can keep going, it's just possible there's a kingdom purpose in the journey.