Surprises, Waiting and Life Lessons Learned from Pregnancy

Our sweet Lucy is due in just 7 days! That's really NOT that long in the grand scheme of things--but sometimes I miss the grand scheme of things;-)

Truthfully, pregnancy has been full of surprises for me. I expected all the symptoms, ailments, weight gain and really expected 40 weeks of being uncomfortable in one way or another. I was super surprised to only have nausea for about 2 weeks at the beginning. Even though I wasn't surprised at how my body changed to accommodate this growing baby, I was surprised at how soon in pregnancy those changes occurred. While there have been hormonal mood swings and crying at the smallest things, even my husband would admit that it hasn't been bad at all. Food cravings never sent me on a quest for random out of season fruit or banana and pickle sandwiches; instead I've had a recent craving to eat more ice cream! My most consistent symptom has been lethargy and that simply means more naps--WIN!! And for a girl who has always struggled with her weight, the pregnancy weight gain has been healthy but minimal. I say all of this not to boast or brag but to say how thankful and surprised I have been by the ease of this pregnancy--something I know not every pregnant woman experiences.

In addition, it has flown by in record speed! That was until someone flipped a switch at week 37 and time started moving like molasses. Overnight, there were aches, pains and soreness coupled with not sleeping soundly, which exacerbates everything. Plus I was overtaken by a desire to meet this baby God picked to put in our lives. At first, the impatience started as a joke after we installed the car seat in the car. Now we had all the "essential" items for bringing home baby so naturally, she had the green light to come into the world. But, as the aches increased, so too did the impatience.

Paul and I had decided long ago that our "birth plan" was to simply have a baby. We have both confidence and trust in our OB and are comfortable with the information we've gotten on where we'll deliver and what that process will look like. We know that we want it to be just the two of us in the room when she is born and other than that, we didn't have anything else in our plan (which is, again, surprising for a control freak like me).

I was excited about how much I was "letting go" of the details I know I can't control. But then, slowly, things started to fall apart. There are several family members that may not be able to be in town when she is born due to work and other reasons. While the reasons are all 100% understandable, it's disappointing nevertheless that they might not be present. And while the app on my phone is counting down with absolute certainty, I know that there's no guarantee she's coming on her due date (moving the finish line is not nice even if you've known all along there's the potential for it to move). Then add in the increased discomfort and time seemingly standing still, plus the undercurrent beneath it all--an overwhelming, indescribable desire to meet this tiny person I feel wiggling constantly; the daughter God chose me to mother and Paul to father; the tiny person whose laundry I've washed and whose room I've prepped for months.

Put all of this together with hormones and WHAM! Disappointment! And more disappointment with each continued day of waiting. And then, as any good Baptist does, pile on the guilty feelings over not being thankful enough for this amazing blessing; not being Polly Anna straight through contractions and delivery; and for not persevering in the race marked out for me! Oy!

Phew! Are you tired yet? I know I am! And God knew it, too. I left the doctor's office this morning, having heard her sweet heartbeat and being told how great everything looked, and just sobbed. Partially because of hormones and partially out of disappointment that I wasn't sent straight to labor and delivery. Instead, we scheduled an induction for 6/11 just in case she's still relaxing in there (although she still has time to make her entrance on her own terms). In the hours that followed my appointment this morning, and after talking to my sweet husband (who faithfully responded with "Let's pray about this, sweetie.") and my mom (who can transport herself back and know in an instant how I'm feeling) I heard the Lord ask "WHY are you disappointed?"

Hmmmmmm.....WHY? Why am I really disappointed?

1) Even though we really don't have a vision of how her birth day will go, apparently there have been some assumptions I've made in my head and/or my heart about how it will look. Thus, the uncertainties wrapped up in any birth are threatening these assumptions I've made.
2) I really want to prove that first babies can and do sometimes come before their due dates. People keep telling me I'm foolish for entertaining this idea. Truthfully, there are equal numbers of people telling me that first babies always come early and first babies always come late and equal number of people who have experienced each extreme. Neither is any more foolish than the other.
3) As mentioned above, there is this overwhelming, indescribable desire to meet this tiny person. God has blessed us beyond measure with her already and I've never even held her in my hands. It is an honor to have been chosen as her parents and I just can't contain my excitement--I want it NOW.

And the response I got back, once I came to these wonderfully unattractive, controlling conclusions above? "STOP and let me do this." Hmmmm...seems like he's told me this before?! Truth be told, this is my go-to lesson from the Lord. And honestly, our path to parenthood was a HUGE hurdle in this lesson for me. Through our journey, I learned very quickly how to let go and let God because there was NO other option. And I think I was riding the wave from that lesson for the first 37 weeks of this pregnancy. And then, BOOM! Coasting wasn't enough anymore and I crashed.

The life lesson, you ask? Coasting is not a choice. Coasting is not enough. Coasting is not sufficient for a daily walk with the Lord. I know Lucy is going to have her own "life lesson" that God is going to teach her throughout her life regardless of the situation at hand. I pray, however, that I can be open enough with her to share the unattractive parts of my faith, the times when I coast and crash and all the times in between for her to see authentic, imperfect faith in her mother. I pray that in doing this, she will remember me not for the things I lack but for the things I allowed God to perfect in me.

Am I still overwhelmingly ready to meet her? Ummm, yes!
Am I still disappointed that I'm not holding her right now? Definitely!
Do I still want to prove that first babies can come before their due date? Pridefully, yes?
Am I thankful that God had me crash from my coasting before she arrived rather than collapse in a puddle shortly after her birth? Without question, yes!

Do I trust that God really is in control of my life and really does have my best interests at heart? 100%, no questions asked, YES--the concept is fully grasped (i.e., I know this is the right answer), it's the execution that's a bit amiss (i.e., living daily, no matter the circumstance, reciting this truth)--and thus, this is the exact place where my God is meeting me now.

Mother's Day Reflections

Wow!! I was shocked to see that I have not posted anything since January?!? Not sure how that happened except that time has been flying by and the fact that we are 28 days from our due date is absolutely insane!! I am so ready to meet my sweet Lucy Kate and hold her in my arms! This Sunday is Mother's Day and it got me thinking back to Mother's Day of last year. I sent a text to a few close friends of mine wishing them a Happy Mother's Day and received some very sweet responses back. Two in particular touched my heart because they wished me a Happy Mother-to-be Day, knowing that my heart was aching for a child of my own. Each of these friends, encouraging me in their own ways, told me that they were praying for the children God had for us! These messages were sweet, encouraging and brought tears to my eyes because I had no idea when God was going to make me a real mom...

You know the story from there.....emotional roller coaster and the shock of a lifetime at a positive pregnancy test. And now, a month away from our due date and it's come again: Mother's Day. Except this time, I'm a mom?! Lord, how did that happen so fast? Last year it felt like an eternity away and this year it feels like I blinked and it happened?! I have often heard in bible lessons that God's days are not our days and his timing is not our timing (ummm...understatement of the year). God doesn't ever tell us that we will have a, b or c at a specific time and while he created the heavens and the earth in seven days, this was likely not seven 24-hour periods of time. I know God's timetable is all his own, yet I am still surprised, shocked and blown-away when I see HIS plan come to fruition.

Days after getting a positive pregnancy test, still waiting on confirmation from the doctor's office so we could celebrate or grieve, I had a heart-to-heart with the Lord. I was crying and so scared that this was a trick from Satan to get our hopes up only to have it ripped away. Sitting there, drowning in my fear, my heavenly Father told me something so profound I find myself still processing pieces of it. He told me that even if we didn't get to meet this baby this side of Heaven, we were parents. He had answered our prayers and we were parents. Then came the even more profound statement from God, "Rachel, this baby is really mine. No matter how long you get this baby, if you ever get to meet this baby or not, this is a loan from me to you." This message certainly didn't turn off the tears but it did change their origin. I was still scared that the doctor might call and say we weren't pregnant after all, but my tears weren't coming from fear anymore. Instead, they were coming from a realization that God had answered our prayers even if the outcome wasn't what I had anticipated.

I have returned to this heart-to-heart often since October. A few times when something didn't feel right or I had a new symptom that scared me, the fear of her not being okay has crept back into my mind. And no matter what, I hear His message echoing "You are parents because I made you parents. Let me take care of all my children--you, Paul and this baby."

This year, for Mother's Day, I can't hold my daughter in my arms but I am holding her! Because of this gift from the Lord, I'm a real mommy!! And this mommy is praying that even after she is in my arms, I remember the words from my God "Rachel, this baby is really mine. No matter how long you get this baby, if you ever get to meet this baby or not, this is a loan from me to you."  I started reading Hopeful Parenting by David Jeremiah and he puts it this way:

"Our children are not our possessions; they belong to God. We are merely stewards of their tender souls for a short time--basically, for twenty years. We are wise to give them back to God when he gives them to us. Then we will be able to enjoy them as ours in a way that's otherwise impossible."

I wish all moms out there a very happy Mother's Day! Those who have experienced holding their babies in their arms; those who have seen them off to college; those who have watched them get married and experienced the joy of watching their babies become parents; those who will meet their babies for the first time in Heaven; those who got the privilege of meeting and know their babies and will be reunited with them in Heaven; those whose children are on this earth but haven't gotten to their home yet...Happy Mother's Day! Praying it's a day of celebration and praise, filled with shouts of JOY!!

36 weeks and counting!!