The Fat Girl Inside

"Rachel, you and I went to different high schools. You went to a school where you got to date Chip Matthews. I went to a high school where they had to have my band uniform specially made....I need to go out with Chip...the fat girl inside needs this! I never let her eat."

Paul and I were watching the above quoted "Friends" episode and Monica's comment resonated with me..."the fat girl inside." For the better part of my life I have been overweight and struggled with self-image. As high school came and went...college came and went...and I was still dateless, I equated my weight with my datelessness. I decided that if I was thinner and prettier I would have a date. I began a half-hearted attempt to work out and saw little efforts but I was growing in my faith so this helped to increase my self-esteem. THEN, I got braces at age 23. Talk about discouragement--you're supposed to be in junior high when you get those right?!?! Needless to say, I stopped wearing my glasses because that was just too "Ugly Betty" for me (braces and glasses). Between my teeth hurting, having to wear rubber bands and it just being a pain to clean out braces my eating habits changed and needless snacking went out the window. As a result, I slowly started to lose some weight. After struggling with depression and anxiety from 9/07-12/07, I started working with a trainer to help get my brain back (the anxiety/depression battle lasted for about 18 months total).  Not only did the workouts help my brain, I was finally getting into shape and was shedding pounds. I was so excited to have my brain back the weight loss was just icing. The pinnacle came when I got my braces off and miraculously no longer needed glasses (that had been living in my drawer for almost 3 years). AND I was wearing a smaller size than I'd ever worn in my life; except of course when your dress size is the same as your age. My brain was back and things looked good. The weeks passed as I continued to get fit and trim(mer). I quit my job, joined choir and was anxiously waiting for the Lord to open the next door to a job. Shortly after Thanksgiving I met Paul in choir and within 20 days from our first date, Paul proposed to a 40lb lighter Rachel. January 4, 2010 I started a new job working 50+ hours a week. Between the holidays, new relationship bliss, and my extended work hours, the CRAZY gym dedication began to wane and the last 10 pounds I had lost began to creep back on. I was planning a wedding, working, trying to see my fiance and grasping to find time to sleep. Something had to give and it was the gym, no big deal right?

I felt beautiful on my wedding day and based on the way Paul looks at me, I feel like I am a supermodel. After we got married, I was frustrated because the scale wasn't going down, I didn't want to make Paul yummy meals and feast on protein shakes myself (it was not worth that). Paul's opinion of me never faltered..."Smokin' Hot" is the term used most often, I believe. BUT Satan saw a small opening and pushed his way in. While I KNOW Paul loves me, finds me beautiful and is not going anywhere, the fat girl inside was scared. I met Paul when I was the smallest point and up to then I had experienced VERY few romantic interests. So the natural conclusion: thin=what Paul saw attractive; gaining weight = losing Paul. As much as I knew that my dress size was not part of our vows, nor what attracted him to me, this was my conclusion nevertheless (with Satan's help of course).

So Satan had a hay day with my decrease in self-esteem, comparison to others and discontented body image. After much prayer (that is still ongoing, most days) I came to the following conclusions:

• Paul came into my life when he did because it was God's timing NOT because of my waistline.
• My increased confidence came from being healthy and having my brain functioning. My increased confidence made me love myself more and made it easier for others to love me.
• My worth is defined by my creator--GOD--not by my dress size, my husband, how I measure up to other women or anything else the world offers.

I wish I could say that these conclusions the Lord whispered to me have ended this struggle but the truth is that this is a daily battle. And honestly, that's ok with me because it means that I don't have a choice but to stay connected to my Jesus so when Satan tries to ruin my day, I have some ammo to throw at him!!

Jonny Diaz has an amazing song "More Beautiful You" that has become somewhat of an anthem. If I get to raise a daughter, it might be her lullaby every night!!

More Beautiful You

Little girl fourteen flipping through a magazine

Says she wants to look that way

But her hair isn't straight her body isn't fake

And she's always felt overweight

Well little girl fourteen I wish that you could see

That beauty is within your heart

And you were made with such care your skin your body and your hair

Are perfect just the way they are

[Chorus]

There could never be a more beautiful you

Don't buy the lies disguises and hoops they make you jump through

You were made to fill a purpose that only you could do

So there could never be a more beautiful you

Little girl twenty-one the things that you've already done

Anything to get ahead

And you say you've got a man but he's got another plan

Only wants what you will do instead

Well little girl twenty-one you never thought that this would come

You starve yourself to play the part

But I can promise you there's a man whose love is true

And he'll treat you like the jewel you are

[chorus]

So turn around you're not too far

To back away be who you are

To change your path go another way

It's not too late you can be saved

If you feel depressed with past regrets

The shameful nights hope to forget

Can disappear they can all be washed away

By the one who's strong can right your wrongs

Can rid your fears dry all your tears

And change the way you look at this big world

He will take your dark distorted view

And with His light He will show you truth

And again you'll see through the eyes of a little girl

[chorus]