The Sunday before Christmas (12/19), we found out we were not pregnant?!?! I thought I was ok with it until I crawled back into bed and told Paul "no baby under the tree." Then I lost it. Sobbing. Crying. Questioning. "Lord, why did you tell each of us that we should start trying in December if this was not your plan?!?!" Devastated, disappointed and discouraged I got up to get dressed for church. As we were heading to church, I realized that this was no coincidence...the Lord knew and planned this to occur on THIS day.
I walked through the church doors and smiled at people, said hello, yet felt like I was going through the motions. What I really wanted to do was curl up in bed and cry. At the beginning of service, we filed into the choir loft and as the words of praise came from my lips, tears flowed from my eyes. I lifted my hands to praise my God and tears flowed from my eyes. Kie began his sermon from Luke 1 --the subject: Waiting on the Lord. Luke 1 starts with the story of Zechariah and Elizabeth: childless, barren, and well along in years. I sat staring at my bible in shock...
I have always clung to Luke 1:37 ("For nothing is impossible with God.") but never considered the context. I never even noticed that this verse is from the lips of an angel specifically referring to Elizabeth who was barren and yet in her sixth month of pregnancy. Really?!! Are you serious??! Today, the day I was hoping to be bubbling over with joy but instead am full of disappointment? Today, a Sunday morning when He knew we'd be in church. Today, a message laid on Kie's heart about waiting and worshipping in the waiting. Today, a message about waiting applied to waiting on a baby!??!
As I sat listening (and crying) Kie continued to explain who this baby was. This was John the Baptist--the birth of the one who would be the "forerunner of Jesus." The one who fulfilled "a crucial, significant role in the Christmas, as well as the Christian, story...The unexpected blessing of this child came in the context of a worship service." His next statement came straight from Heaven to my ears: "Before God gives us the physical blessings that He has in his hand, He wants to prepare our hearts to receive it." And then I realized:
- While I might think my heart is ready, the Lord created my heart and knows for sure the perfect timing for everything!
- Elizabeth and Zechariah were ready for years preceding their pregnancy but the world was not ready for John the Baptist until this appointed time. Had he been born following their first prayer for a child, the impact on the Christmas and Christian story would have been drastically altered (Note: my conclusion here is NOT that the Nixon children will be the next John the Baptist. My conclusion is that perhaps in addition to my deep-seeded desire to have children, the Lord has a divine and perfectly planned sphere of influence for each of our children. A role that would be drastically altered if their world is not fully ready and prepared for their presence.).
- EUREKA! This is not all about me!! Not my favorite realization, but noteworthy nevertheless. (My little sister got engaged this same Sunday--it was right that this Christmas season was a celebration of her engagement, rather than a celebration of both her engagement and our baby.)
- God's word is constant and unaltering. BUT, through His power and wisdom, He can use the same passage and/or verse to speak different truths to us based on where we are at that moment.
I would love to say that after the service I didn't cry again--but I did. Monday and Tuesday were hard and I found myself in the car, unable to stop singing praise songs and also unable to stop crying. 1 Thessalonians 5:
I praised God in my sadness, tears and pain--and it was some of the sweetest worship I can remember.
