Eyes, Puzzles, and Proverbs 31

Have you ever studied the human? The mind reels at the complexity of merely one part of our anatomy. As if the human body wasn't complicated enough to point to a Creator, learning more about the intricacies of the eye leaves no question in my mind. And yet, I remember when I first learned about the rods and cones and how the images our eyes see are actually inverted in the eye and flipped by the brain. The pupil is like the most advanced window ever; altering its size to allow the proper amount of light in for any given environment. The eyebrows and eyelashes are like soldiers designed to keep intruders from invading. And yet, despite learning all that the eye is does without me even thinking about it, I remember being annoyed when I learned one more fact: The eye focuses on only one thing at at time. I remember thinking "That can't be true. I'm going to prove that wrong." And then proceeding to look around believing I would be able to focus on multiple things at once. Nope. You can't. But I bet you, too, are trying it right now just to be sure.

image from allaboutvision.com

Just typing that makes me kind of giggle at my arrogance. To take this amazingly complex gift of sight and be annoyed at the one thing I felt like it couldn't do. I was no longer impressed at the design that allowed my eye to focus on anything at various distances, or the fact that I could take in all that surrounded me. Nope. I was annoyed at this limitation. Sure, we have peripheral vision that allows us to see things like a widescreen and our amazing brains can recognize so much that isn't in focus (for example, I can tell which toys are covering my floor right now even as I stare at the computer screen). But where I place my eyes is the only thing in focus. We were never meant to live in the peripheral. 

Perhaps, this aspect of the eye that I perceived as a limitation is actually by design.  I believe God created and designed us (Genesis 1:26-27; Genesis 2:18-23). Scripture also says that He never intended for us to have the knowledge of good and evil (Genesis 2:16, Genesis 3:22). God wanted us to focus on Him as the creator and provider and He wanted us to not carry all the knowledge he has. And from the beginning, our focus has been divided from him and we have pushed against our designed boundaries. 

My girls were struggling with a puzzle the other day and I was explaining that it is easier to find all the edges first....

"Find all the pieces with a straight side and put those together first. Then you know where the boundary is." They were so eager to see the puzzle completed, they didn't want to sort the pieces and find the edges first. But once we did, they could more easily see where other pieces fit. The border defined the space and helped anchor all the rest of the puzzle.

I giggled as their little minds were blown at how helpful knowing the boundary was after they were so against completing it this way. And then I realized what a good image this is for how I live my life! God is very clear about the boundary lines for me: he tells me what I am capable of on my own, he places desires in my heart, he has gifted me in certain areas and not in others, he aligns circumstances to bring about his plans for my life. And daily I argue that it would be easier without setting that boundary first; I set about my day based on my own list, I am disappointed when I don't get things I decided would be best for me, I measure my own success based upon gifts and skills he has gifted to others, I make my "should-be-doing" list based on the advice of people in a different season with different circumstances, and I get annoyed when I can't do all the things, all the time. 

And then I read Psalm 16:5-6 and I am given a new perspective:

Lord, You alone are my portion and my cup;

you make my lot secure.

The boundary lines have fallen for me in pleasant places;

Surely I have a delightful inheritance.

The first two lines go back to the eye and focusing on one thing: Lord. The next two lines show a beautiful acceptance of what the Lord has given: boundaries. 

Recently, I was listening to a the Journey Woman podcast (episode 69) with Hannah Anderson. In that episode, Hannah explains the importance of having humility in accepting the limitations of being human and having 24 hours in the day. This brought me full circle with my eye and puzzle images: I can be annoyed at what I am perceiving as a limitation or I can be humble enough to recognize that the Author and Creator of my faith set my boundary lines on purpose. This is hard for me to do when I often think "this won't take long, we can get that done, too", "this is a worthy task to take on even though it is a lot, we'll figure it out", "if I say yes to this, I'll should say no to that but I think we'll do both". Sometimes God is calling us to do something seemingly too big so his power and provision can be displayed. Other times he is calling us to not do something (even a worthy something) so his power and provision can be displayed.  

Other words stick out to me from Psalm 16:5-6...secure, pleasant, delightful. I think my human brain sees boundaries like my girls saw the border of the puzzle: something to restrain us. But the reality is that there is immense FREEDOM found in the boundaries set by the Lord. It is an amazingly beautiful contradiction that only Jesus can prove true: these loving boundaries provide more freedom than we can fathom. My constant striving to push through and demolish the limits with which I was lovingly designed means I am often missing the gifts of the season I currently find myself. 

I want to be all of Proverbs 31 in a day, so to speak. My wonderful counselor explained, as she was taught, that Proverbs 31 is a view over a lifetime; it's not a to-do list for daily living. That woman was likely focused on a single aspect at a time for a specific season. Embracing the focus God is giving me right now doesn't diminish the focus he has given in the past and doesn't mean this will remain the focus forever; its a season. The boundaries lines have always and will always fall in pleasant places even as the picture on the puzzle (focus) changes with different seasons of life.

There seems to be a disconnect...

I love a good analogy. Even better if I can get a mental picture to help me grasp a concept. One of my favorites is the analogy of our walk being like a lamp. A lamp can't shine light unless it is connected to the power source. Likewise, I can't shine the light of Jesus unless I am plugged into the source--i.e. spending time with God in the Word. This analogy took on a whole new meaning for me a few weeks ago.....

I was drying my hair and somehow dropped the hairdryer. It hit the floor with a deafening crash yet continued running. Parts spilling out, wires visible, yet it was still running. I slide the switch to "off" to no avail; it kept running. I slid the temperature switch from hot to cool; hot air continued. It was plugged into the power source but somewhere there was clearly a disconnect. The hairdryer wasn't responding to the signals to stop running, stop blowing air, change the output.

I started to tear up standing in my bathroom because never was there a more accurate analogy to how my journey with antepartum/postpartum depression and anxiety has been. Feeling broken, insides spilling out and visible, and feeling like there is a distinct disconnect from my Source.

I have poured over scriptures about anxiety and prayed desperate prayers at all hours of the day.
I have also been comforted by scriptures of those struggling in the bible, those who are weary, defeated, and exhausted.
I have stood in my kitchen literally walking in circles unable to wrap my brain around the steps to make pasta for my family.
I have cried in various aisles at HEB trying to calculate which option is the better deal.
I have cried so many tears on my sweet baby's head from overwhelming guilt of not being able to produce enough milk for her (or any of her sisters).
I have chosen a particular brand of pacifier/bottles simply because of the marketing that read "feels the most like the mother's breast" (is this even true!?! are the babies confirming this for them?!?).
I have physically struggled to answer the question "What can I do to help?"
I have been too tired to sleep--who even knew that was a thing?!
I have been hyper-critical of my husband.
I have hulked out on my family more than I hope anyone remembers.
I have felt like there was a physical barrier to me accessing my faith--like throwing a ball against a low ceiling only to have it bounce back and smack you in the face.
I have wrestled with the idea that I am both not enough and I am enough simultaneously.
I have read other women's accounts of their own journeys and felt encouraged I am not alone and also so sad that there are others in this boat. 

Admittedly, reading my bible hasn't always happened daily and it is something I am working to improve. Despite it all, feeling like I have been uprooted and knocked over, I have also seen God do a great many things through this....new life, new branches, new growth.

I have been encouraged by some amazing women of God who have walked their own unique, but similar, journey.
I have seen God provide counselors for us that can encourage us in the word, untangle my thoughts and feelings, and offer invaluable support.
I have learned, through counseling, that this has been a battle for longer than Paul or I realized.
I have felt layers of clouds lift as we have found better combinations of supplements and diet changes that are working for me.
I have a 4 year old who declared "Guess what I can say now?! Postpartum depression!" with the biggest smile on her face and all the pride she could find! This was a gift, because despite my struggles, my girls are getting a front row seat to how God works through hard things. 
I have come to understand that even with Jesus, I will never be enough-that is why I need HIM. And because of my Creator, I am enough just the way He designed me (my own unattainable standards not withstanding).

I had a day recently where I texted a couple of friends saying that I felt more like myself than I had in a really long time. And then I have days where I can feel the clouds almost tangibly. And thankfully I have been given, and am continuing to learn, more tools to help navigate and handle the bouts of anxiety and depression. But more than anything else, I have seen God in a whole new light.

God intricately designed our bodies and everything from hormones to emotions to our brains to our digestive system--it is all interconnected--by design. So when I get sucked into thinking I just need to add a little more faith and a little more Jesus and this wouldn't be a struggle, I remember this is both a spiritual AND physical battle. More Jesus is never wrong and there is purpose in the hard (see the image below). Dealing with the physical disconnect (be it hormonal imbalances, adrenal fatigue, thyroid issues, lack of sleep, a mineral deficiency, etc) is also a vital part of the good, hard work of healing. Were I the lamp, and my bulb had burned out, no amount of electricity would make it turn on.

God is ALWAYS there when I call His name.
God hears me and sees me. God has not forgotten me.
God is good even when life is hard.