If you have not read “Men are like Waffles, Women are like Spaghetti” (Bill and Pam Farell) you need to read it NOW. The basic premise is that men look at life as compartments (i.e. the boxes in waffles) and women see everything as connected (i.e. a plate of spaghetti). Both in this book and in “The Marriage Code” by the same authors, our God-given and God-designed differences are explained and embraced.
Ok, so I am a nanny and thus have two very cute kiddos five days a week. The other day, Paul needed to have his car looked at and called me to see if I would be able to follow him to drop off his car and then take him back home so he didn’t have to wait there for hours. Instantly my brain pulled up the schedule for the next day. Paul was simply wanting his wife to say “Sure, honey. I’d be happy to do that.” But what came out of my mouth went something like this:
“Ok, well I have to leave our house at 7:25 to get to work on time. So we will need to drop off your car by 7:00 or 7:10 so I can get you back home and not be late. How long is it going to take them to do the work because we are meeting mommy for lunch and the kids have to be down for a nap by 1:00? So that eliminates us being able to take you back up there from about 11:30 until after nap time. So we can make this work but with the kiddos we have to have some sort of a plan.” I think my response was unexpected because he was quiet for a moment and then said, “I’ll just wait there while they work.” I felt like I had taken away his candy or something. And in my heart, I wanted to help him but there were certain confines in my ability to help. When we both got home, I gave him a big hug and apologized if I sounded unwilling to help but it was really hard to not know how long things were going to take when I was in charge of someone else’s babies. His response was “I know. Thank you for telling me that. I guess I was thinking out loud when I asked you that and didn’t realize how complicated it would be.”
The first thing that went through my brain was “HOW could you not have realized this?!” Now, if we lived in a sitcom, this would have become fodder for the remaining 18 minutes of the show. Every comment out of my mouth would have been laced with disdain over Paul not thinking about a situation the way I do. If we lived in a sitcom, this would be great entertainment. BUT, we don't live in a sitcom--we live in a fallen world and this is exactly the kind of seemingly trivial thing Satan uses to separate marriages. Paul was not trying to be unrealistic about my abilities and I was not trying to be unhelpful. He was using his wonderfully made waffle brain to figure out how he could get his car worked on without having to be there all day. And I was using my wonderfully made spaghetti brain to figure out how I could make all the pieces work together. Satan was sitting back hoping that our differences in processing would either start something between us or be stuffed away waiting to erupt like a volcano. Neither of us was wrong—we were just using what the Lord gave us.
In the end, Paul ended up waiting on the car and the kiddos and I went along our day as planned. But there is a bigger lesson here—we were using what the Lord gave us. So, if this is what our Almighty creator gave us and he created marriage, doesn't this mean that there is a chance that our spaghetti and waffles should be able to share a plate? We are taught by the world that there is no way for spaghetti and waffles to function together--we look helplessly on as Hollywood marriages are played out in the tabloids. The once inseparable couple is now throwing insults at one another in court battle after court battle. Paul and I often get the question, "How long have you been married?" When we respond, "almost 6 months" we frequently get an almost sympathetic head tilt and sly smirk as if to say, "you'll be ready to throw the towel in after the new wears off." It is one of the most frustrating things in the world. Not because I am naive enough to think that we will never want to throw the towel in or that we are immune from having marital troubles. No, it is frustrating because it attempts to pull the rug out from under the God who brought us together, the God who created marriage, my God who is sovereign over every detail of this world.
I often need Paul to pull out pieces of spaghetti and put each one in a different waffle square when life gets to be too much (he has an amazing ability to do this, by the way). And Paul often needs me to spaghetti-things-up and mix up his waffle squares. It's not like the world says, spaghetti and waffles don't just fit on the same plate, they were made to go together!!
I'm hungry...anyone up for spaghetti....and waffles?!?!
--RMN
Sunday, August 29, 2010
Friday, August 27, 2010
The Fat Girl Inside
"Rachel, you and I went to different high schools. You went to a school where you got to date Chip Matthews. I went to a high school where they had to have my band uniform specially made....I need to go out with Chip...the fat girl inside needs this! I never let her eat."
Paul and I were watching the above quoted "Friends" episode and Monica's comment resonated with me..."the fat girl inside." For the better part of my life I have been overweight and struggled with self-image. As high school came and went...college came and went...and I was still dateless, I equated my weight with my datelessness. I decided that if I was thinner and prettier I would have a date. I began a half-hearted attempt to work out and saw little efforts but I was growing in my faith so this helped to increase my self-esteem. THEN, I got braces at age 23. Talk about discouragement--you're supposed to be in junior high when you get those right?!?! Needless to say, I stopped wearing my glasses because that was just too "Ugly Betty" for me (braces and glasses). Between my teeth hurting, having to wear rubber bands and it just being a pain to clean out braces my eating habits changed and needless snacking went out the window. As a result, I slowly started to lose some weight. After struggling with depression and anxiety from 9/07-12/07, I started working with a trainer to help get my brain back (the anxiety/depression battle lasted for about 18 months total). Not only did the workouts help my brain, I was finally getting into shape and was shedding pounds. I was so excited to have my brain back the weight loss was just icing. The pinnacle came when I got my braces off and miraculously no longer needed glasses (that had been living in my drawer for almost 3 years). AND I was wearing a smaller size than I'd ever worn in my life; except of course when your dress size is the same as your age. My brain was back and things looked good. The weeks passed as I continued to get fit and trim(mer). I quit my job, joined choir and was anxiously waiting for the Lord to open the next door to a job. Shortly after Thanksgiving I met Paul in choir and within 20 days from our first date, Paul proposed to a 40lb lighter Rachel. January 4, 2010 I started a new job working 50+ hours a week. Between the holidays, new relationship bliss, and my extended work hours, the CRAZY gym dedication began to wane and the last 10 pounds I had lost began to creep back on. I was planning a wedding, working, trying to see my fiance and grasping to find time to sleep. Something had to give and it was the gym, no big deal right?
I felt beautiful on my wedding day and based on the way Paul looks at me, I feel like I am a supermodel. After we got married, I was frustrated because the scale wasn't going down, I didn't want to make Paul yummy meals and feast on protein shakes myself (it was not worth that). Paul's opinion of me never faltered..."Smokin' Hot" is the term used most often, I believe. BUT Satan saw a small opening and pushed his way in. While I KNOW Paul loves me, finds me beautiful and is not going anywhere, the fat girl inside was scared. I met Paul when I was the smallest point and up to then I had experienced VERY few romantic interests. So the natural conclusion: thin=what Paul saw attractive; gaining weight = losing Paul. As much as I knew that my dress size was not part of our vows, nor what attracted him to me, this was my conclusion nevertheless (with Satan's help of course).
So Satan had a hay day with my decrease in self-esteem, comparison to others and discontented body image. After much prayer (that is still ongoing, most days) I came to the following conclusions:
Jonny Diaz has an amazing song "More Beautiful You" that has become somewhat of an anthem. If I get to raise a daughter, it might be her lullaby every night!!
Paul and I were watching the above quoted "Friends" episode and Monica's comment resonated with me..."the fat girl inside." For the better part of my life I have been overweight and struggled with self-image. As high school came and went...college came and went...and I was still dateless, I equated my weight with my datelessness. I decided that if I was thinner and prettier I would have a date. I began a half-hearted attempt to work out and saw little efforts but I was growing in my faith so this helped to increase my self-esteem. THEN, I got braces at age 23. Talk about discouragement--you're supposed to be in junior high when you get those right?!?! Needless to say, I stopped wearing my glasses because that was just too "Ugly Betty" for me (braces and glasses). Between my teeth hurting, having to wear rubber bands and it just being a pain to clean out braces my eating habits changed and needless snacking went out the window. As a result, I slowly started to lose some weight. After struggling with depression and anxiety from 9/07-12/07, I started working with a trainer to help get my brain back (the anxiety/depression battle lasted for about 18 months total). Not only did the workouts help my brain, I was finally getting into shape and was shedding pounds. I was so excited to have my brain back the weight loss was just icing. The pinnacle came when I got my braces off and miraculously no longer needed glasses (that had been living in my drawer for almost 3 years). AND I was wearing a smaller size than I'd ever worn in my life; except of course when your dress size is the same as your age. My brain was back and things looked good. The weeks passed as I continued to get fit and trim(mer). I quit my job, joined choir and was anxiously waiting for the Lord to open the next door to a job. Shortly after Thanksgiving I met Paul in choir and within 20 days from our first date, Paul proposed to a 40lb lighter Rachel. January 4, 2010 I started a new job working 50+ hours a week. Between the holidays, new relationship bliss, and my extended work hours, the CRAZY gym dedication began to wane and the last 10 pounds I had lost began to creep back on. I was planning a wedding, working, trying to see my fiance and grasping to find time to sleep. Something had to give and it was the gym, no big deal right?
I felt beautiful on my wedding day and based on the way Paul looks at me, I feel like I am a supermodel. After we got married, I was frustrated because the scale wasn't going down, I didn't want to make Paul yummy meals and feast on protein shakes myself (it was not worth that). Paul's opinion of me never faltered..."Smokin' Hot" is the term used most often, I believe. BUT Satan saw a small opening and pushed his way in. While I KNOW Paul loves me, finds me beautiful and is not going anywhere, the fat girl inside was scared. I met Paul when I was the smallest point and up to then I had experienced VERY few romantic interests. So the natural conclusion: thin=what Paul saw attractive; gaining weight = losing Paul. As much as I knew that my dress size was not part of our vows, nor what attracted him to me, this was my conclusion nevertheless (with Satan's help of course).
So Satan had a hay day with my decrease in self-esteem, comparison to others and discontented body image. After much prayer (that is still ongoing, most days) I came to the following conclusions:
- Paul came into my life when he did because it was God's timing NOT because of my waistline.
- My increased confidence came from being healthy and having my brain functioning. My increased confidence made me love myself more and made it easier for others to love me.
- My worth is defined by my creator--GOD--not by my dress size, my husband, how I measure up to other women or anything else the world offers.
Jonny Diaz has an amazing song "More Beautiful You" that has become somewhat of an anthem. If I get to raise a daughter, it might be her lullaby every night!!
More Beautiful You
Little girl fourteen flipping through a magazine
Says she wants to look that way
But her hair isn't straight her body isn't fake
And she's always felt overweight
Well little girl fourteen I wish that you could see
That beauty is within your heart
And you were made with such care your skin your body and your hair
Are perfect just the way they are
[Chorus]
There could never be a more beautiful you
Don't buy the lies disguises and hoops they make you jump through
You were made to fill a purpose that only you could do
So there could never be a more beautiful you
Little girl twenty-one the things that you've already done
Anything to get ahead
And you say you've got a man but he's got another plan
Only wants what you will do instead
Well little girl twenty-one you never thought that this would come
You starve yourself to play the part
But I can promise you there's a man whose love is true
And he'll treat you like the jewel you are
[chorus]
So turn around you're not too far
To back away be who you are
To change your path go another way
It's not too late you can be saved
If you feel depressed with past regrets
The shameful nights hope to forget
Can disappear they can all be washed away
By the one who's strong can right your wrongs
Can rid your fears dry all your tears
And change the way you look at this big world
He will take your dark distorted view
And with His light He will show you truth
And again you'll see through the eyes of a little girl
[chorus]
Sunday, August 15, 2010
Day 253
Date night last night was Day 252 since our first date :-) We had an excellent date night after a wonderfully lazy day. I spent the morning sewing a birthday gift for Miss Mary Claire while Paul was contentedly playing games on his iPhone (all the while wishing it was the iPhone 4 rather than the inferior 3GS). Then we went to The Body exhibit at the Start Museum at UT and "ooed" and "awed" at how amazing our mere existence and creation really is. Against the advice of some dear friends, I braved the prenatal room wondering if I was "ready" to see it. I was overwhelmed with how encouraging and exciting that section was; not disturbing as many friends and myself anticipated it being...it pointed both of us back to the Lord!! As we read what happens in each week of pregnancy and saw the fetal development we stared at one another in AWE that we have the privilege of serving a God who not only set this in motion but is in charge of each little bone in our bodies. As we continued through the entire exhibit, we both marvelled at how miraculous our creation really is.
Then off to Kerby Lane where I shared an awesome dinner and conversation full of laughs with my best friend and husband. We sat across the table talking about the respective books we were reading and what we were gaining from them, enjoyed sharing a plate of enchiladas (sans the evil herb cilantro) and joyfully had an excellent Diet Coke-filled dinner together.
Then home where we took some time to check email and chat some more. As we crawled into bed, Paul was kicking some Zombie butt on a game I can't even begin to understand on his phone (something about planting different plants that then become your defense against the Zombies who are trying to eat your brain....i.e. a reality-based game) so I picked up "Love and War" (Eldredge). We have both been wanting to read it but other books in our quickly-growing library have taken precedence. The first chapter examines vows at a wedding ceremony. "Why in heaven's name would you come to church to publicly dedicate yourselves to something so risky, so fraught with danger, so scandalous?" It basically asserts that "in choosing marriage you have chosen an assignment at the front lines in this epic battle for the human heart." The chapter ends with 2 simple sentences: "It can be done. And it is worth it." The truth here is undeniable--Satan hates to admit that he is losing the battle and when 2 people enter into marriage focused on HIM, Satan gets mad. So the path is not always easy but it is worth it.
Thank you Lord...this was the perfect encouragement to a wonderful day....and then I went to brush my teeth. I stopped at the computer and saw a girl I went to college with who just had a baby. This is exciting but I am tired and don't want to get sucked into the computer....focus...go brush your teeth, Rach. In the bathroom I notice the scale, critique the reflection in the mirror, start to lament over a few extra pounds and then go into the bedroom and ask my husband "do you still like the way I look?!?" Poor man just spent a great day with a sane wife only to be crawling into bed with Miss Insecurity. He very sweetly encouraged me the way he has so many times before we go to sleep and then we go to sleep...in theory!
I toss and turn feeling the Lord impress upon me to email a friend some encouragement....I do. And then hope that my obedience will equal sleep. Nope. More tossing. More turning. More obsessing over being "behind" because someone younger than me has a baby now (hello--married 5 months here--take a breath, Rach), obsessing over body image, obsessing over being overly critical. Restful sleep was simply not on the agenda.
When Paul attempted to wake me up this morning, I greeted him with a whiny need for a kiss (ok, this is relatively normal) and then said "I did not sleep at all...I'm not in a good mood." Somewhere in there I asked him to pray because I did not want to be mean all day. But I felt much more like Oscar the Grouch than Polly Anna....
As we pull up to church, we are early so Paul can practice for the ensemble. I then beat myself up for not bringing the paper with me to clip coupons with me extra time this morning. I "settle" for walking into church and reading scripture. I decide to read Philippians 4 because the verse about not worrying, resting in the Lord is suddenly weighing on me. So I read and start taking notes. In my 20 minutes of reading and listening and taking notes it became overwhelmingly clear what happened last night...the Lord whispered to me: after a fantastic day of just being together we spent the evening being encouraged by our creation, having a blast on a date as husband and wife and the day was simply GOOD. No wonder Satan took the initiative to divide my brain obsessing over body image, envying what others have and being self-critical. He took away sleep and set up everything for me to wake up, be in a bad mood, be snippy with Paul and ruin the rest of what started to be a great weekend.
I count this as my take-home message and notice it is time for the service to begin. Kie steps up, welcomes the congregation and starts his sermon from...Philippians 4?!?! Ok Lord, clearly you are not done. The sermon spoke directly to my heart echoing what had just been whispered. Like dropping a stone in a still pond, the ripples continued in Sunday school. Everything was tailor-made for where I was, Satan was silenced and my heart was encouraged. It was great, phenomenal, indescribable....it was GOD. What we know: Satan will act, he will attempt to sabotage and he will work the hardest when things are going the best. HOWEVER, we also know that when God moves, He moves BIG and FAST and He is at work no matter how things are going.
"Rejoice in the Lord always, I will say it again: Rejoice! Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus." Philippians 4:4-7
--RMN
Then off to Kerby Lane where I shared an awesome dinner and conversation full of laughs with my best friend and husband. We sat across the table talking about the respective books we were reading and what we were gaining from them, enjoyed sharing a plate of enchiladas (sans the evil herb cilantro) and joyfully had an excellent Diet Coke-filled dinner together.
Then home where we took some time to check email and chat some more. As we crawled into bed, Paul was kicking some Zombie butt on a game I can't even begin to understand on his phone (something about planting different plants that then become your defense against the Zombies who are trying to eat your brain....i.e. a reality-based game) so I picked up "Love and War" (Eldredge). We have both been wanting to read it but other books in our quickly-growing library have taken precedence. The first chapter examines vows at a wedding ceremony. "Why in heaven's name would you come to church to publicly dedicate yourselves to something so risky, so fraught with danger, so scandalous?" It basically asserts that "in choosing marriage you have chosen an assignment at the front lines in this epic battle for the human heart." The chapter ends with 2 simple sentences: "It can be done. And it is worth it." The truth here is undeniable--Satan hates to admit that he is losing the battle and when 2 people enter into marriage focused on HIM, Satan gets mad. So the path is not always easy but it is worth it.
Thank you Lord...this was the perfect encouragement to a wonderful day....and then I went to brush my teeth. I stopped at the computer and saw a girl I went to college with who just had a baby. This is exciting but I am tired and don't want to get sucked into the computer....focus...go brush your teeth, Rach. In the bathroom I notice the scale, critique the reflection in the mirror, start to lament over a few extra pounds and then go into the bedroom and ask my husband "do you still like the way I look?!?" Poor man just spent a great day with a sane wife only to be crawling into bed with Miss Insecurity. He very sweetly encouraged me the way he has so many times before we go to sleep and then we go to sleep...in theory!
I toss and turn feeling the Lord impress upon me to email a friend some encouragement....I do. And then hope that my obedience will equal sleep. Nope. More tossing. More turning. More obsessing over being "behind" because someone younger than me has a baby now (hello--married 5 months here--take a breath, Rach), obsessing over body image, obsessing over being overly critical. Restful sleep was simply not on the agenda.
When Paul attempted to wake me up this morning, I greeted him with a whiny need for a kiss (ok, this is relatively normal) and then said "I did not sleep at all...I'm not in a good mood." Somewhere in there I asked him to pray because I did not want to be mean all day. But I felt much more like Oscar the Grouch than Polly Anna....
As we pull up to church, we are early so Paul can practice for the ensemble. I then beat myself up for not bringing the paper with me to clip coupons with me extra time this morning. I "settle" for walking into church and reading scripture. I decide to read Philippians 4 because the verse about not worrying, resting in the Lord is suddenly weighing on me. So I read and start taking notes. In my 20 minutes of reading and listening and taking notes it became overwhelmingly clear what happened last night...the Lord whispered to me: after a fantastic day of just being together we spent the evening being encouraged by our creation, having a blast on a date as husband and wife and the day was simply GOOD. No wonder Satan took the initiative to divide my brain obsessing over body image, envying what others have and being self-critical. He took away sleep and set up everything for me to wake up, be in a bad mood, be snippy with Paul and ruin the rest of what started to be a great weekend.
I count this as my take-home message and notice it is time for the service to begin. Kie steps up, welcomes the congregation and starts his sermon from...Philippians 4?!?! Ok Lord, clearly you are not done. The sermon spoke directly to my heart echoing what had just been whispered. Like dropping a stone in a still pond, the ripples continued in Sunday school. Everything was tailor-made for where I was, Satan was silenced and my heart was encouraged. It was great, phenomenal, indescribable....it was GOD. What we know: Satan will act, he will attempt to sabotage and he will work the hardest when things are going the best. HOWEVER, we also know that when God moves, He moves BIG and FAST and He is at work no matter how things are going.
"Rejoice in the Lord always, I will say it again: Rejoice! Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus." Philippians 4:4-7
--RMN
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