Seam ripper and stitches...

Recently, a friend asked me if I could turn an old bridesmaids dress into a baby quilt for her friend. Once it was completed, only the rouged bodice included on the back gave away the fabric's former purpose.

At the beginning of the project, I sat with the dress and all the other fabric laid out in front of me, envisioning the final product and making a plan on how to get there. Once I sketched it out and knew what was needed, I set about deconstructing the dress. My girls kept saying, "You're going to cut up this beautiful dress?!!" And while it was true I was going to cut it up, first I needed a tool other than scissors. I needed this...

We turned on a show and I started picking stitches with my trusty, small seam-ripper. When the show was done, the girls wanted to know why the dress wasn't cut up yet. "Mom, did you get distracted by the show?!"

I was quite pleased with my progress as I had separated the bodice and the lining and made the skirt lay open. Apparently, they were expecting quilt pieces to already be cut. I tried to explain the steps I needed to do first and they quickly said, "That's a lot of steps. Can we go play?!" I had to chuckle at the truth in their comment. It was a lot of admittedly tedious steps. And while removing a stitch at a time seemed so tiny to them, each one felt like a major stride in the project. The stitches gave the dress its form and each one I took away was a step toward allowing that form to change. Yet, taking them out one by one also ensured the material was usable for a new purpose.

We are not unlike a sewing project. Each person walking this earth has experiences in life that become the narratives that drive us. These narratives (or stitches, if you will) become the way we view life, relationships, parenting, success, failure, and the Lord. These stitches help form us.

Our stitches are made by the family that raised us, the way we were educated, the country we live in, the jobs we have held, and the experiences life has brought us. For better or worse, all of these help to form us. Some will speak life and truth over our lives and some will plant doubts, falsehoods, and lies. In my experience, some stitches are more fundamental than others. Like the dress, the stitches holding the lining to the dress were less pivotal than the stitches constructing the bodice. The impact of having or removing each was vastly different.

In my opinion, the stitches we hold about who God is are fundamental--the bodice of our lives. We all have different impressions and experiences with God. We all heard about him the first time in a different way. Perhaps by a relative who we only saw once a year but always said "Jesus loves you, and so do I." Maybe it was Vacation Bible School as a kid, or a summer camp?! Maybe you learned of God as a small child having attended church since you were a newborn. Maybe you never heard about God until you were older. Maybe as an adult, we still view him through our child eyes. It wasn't wrong the way we saw him as a child but our view of him hasn't grown and there is a vastness of God we need to see more fully. And what's more, some of our exposures accurately reflect God's true nature and some do not. Nevertheless, these stitches help form us.

God takes his proverbial seam ripper to gently undo these false narratives one stitch at a time. For a while, we can still see the stitch marks but over time, they smooth out and are no longer discernible--the old narrative has been replaced with TRUTH. The process takes various lengths of time but every step of the process is God working to make us new. This is the process of sanctification. Remember the bridesmaids dress? It wasn't huge cuts that transformed it, but taking out the stitches one by one to completely alter the form it once held, while also not destroying it. 

I get so frustrated with myself when I fall back into old habits or false beliefs about who God is. Like thinking he is an ominous father that is looking for me to mess up so he can reprimand me. Or that there is a list of things I need to check off daily to be loved by God. Or that having the normal range of human emotions means I don't have enough faith. Or that struggling with anxiety and depression means I'm a bad believer. Or that not having the same convictions as other believers means I am not hearing God. Or here is a big one: when I glean a new level of understanding about a passage in the bible and feel so dumb for not having understood it previously. Each of these is a stitch God has removed; and sometimes I focus on the old stitch holes still visible in my fabric rather than the new form God is creating. 

The process is hard--how many conversations do we have in our marriages or with our kids that employ old habits that aren't working. But each time we notice, correct, and step back just a little bit sooner, this is success. This is continuing to try. This is the sanctifying work of the Lord. I heard somewhere that people don't respond to situations based on what is happening now but based on their experiences preceding the current situation. So when I react to what is occurring before me, it is more a result of my stitches acting as a lens in viewing this situation. When I can surrender to the new form God is creating, and let go of those stitch marks, the way I react to situations inherently will change, too.

The reality of the cross is that without it, I was dead from sin. Jesus' death paid a price I could never pay so God would see me as righteous. Acknowledging this is monumental in the life of each believer. And God loves us too much to have that be the end. We can come to him as a decade old bridesmaids dress, tattered rags, or anything in between and trust that we are LOVED and Jesus died for us. And we can know that God wants to make something new. He has a process and his seamripper is hard and better than that, He knows exactly when and how to remove our stitches so we will not be destroyed but rather prepared for our new form. 

PS-Speaking of stitches that formed us, the show "Friends" was HUGE when I was in high school and college. In writing this post, I couldn't help but hear the line from the pilot episode "What if your whole life everyone's been telling you 'you're a shoe, you're a shoe, you're a shoe.' What if I don't want to be a shoe. Maybe I want to be a purse, or a hat?! No, I don't want you to buy me a hat, I'm saying that I am a hat! It's a metaphor!!" Here's to the sanctifying power of the Lord making each of us into a new quilt, hat, purse, or shoe. 

a BLOOM at REST

When I determined my word for 2020, I had no way of knowing how much REST would be forced upon us several weeks later. And truly, one thing I have learned is how terrible I am at resting.

Really. Like no good at resting at all.

We have all the time in the world to color or do a puzzle and I find myself folding towels between coloring assignments.

Or I realize that while we are watching a movie together I am really doing something on my computer since everyone is in a TV trance. So it's not really rest as much as it is filling my time with different things than I did before.

Just before all the social distancing and quarantine realities came to be, Paul and I escaped away to Fredricksburg to celebrate our 10th anniversary. We stayed at an adorable B&B nestled just enough off the beaten path to feel remote, yet close enough to town for a late night popcorn run to go with our DVD.

We survived, ahem....got to enjoy Enchanted Rock (more on that adventure coming in another post). We enjoyed breakfast on the porch watching birds at the bird feeders while we sipped on tea and coffee. We took a walk down a country road and saw longhorns grazing, cardinals flitting about, and picturesque Texas fields sprinkled with the first bluebonnets of the season and other wildflowers. It truly was a weekend of REST for which we will always be grateful. And it was also a weekend of unknowns as the information was changing by the hour.

There were times in my rest I was wracked with guilt that my mind was racing or consumed with processing the new information. I looked up the definition of rest and it provided some wonderful food for thought...

rest (verb)
1. cease work or movement in order to relax, refresh oneself, or recover strength
2. be placed or supported so as to stay in a specified position
3. be based on or grounded in; depend on

Most words have multiple meanings and while sometimes more than one can be true simultaneously, not all have to be true simultaneously. As I read over these, the first one is how I would have defined rest if asked. An image of a weekend away in the country, nightly bubble baths and chick flicks, sleeping in, and enjoying a leisurely breakfast before taking a long walk. But the second and third ones really resonated with me; rest can't only be reserved for weekends away, right?!

It was in combining the second and third definition that I was really struck. Be placed or supported so as to stay in a specified position and be based on or grounded in; depend on. I believe God is sovereign over this world and that includes my life. I have walked roads and situations I would never have chosen were it up to me. Sometimes I pray for God to change a situation or circumstance and He almost always seems to do this on a different timetable than I would prefer. But He has always been faithful to remain with me in my asking.

The seasons when I have be digging into the word faithfully have not yielded shorter struggles, but being grounded in the word and depending on God more fully has given me a different vantage point in the struggle. Even in my deep desire to have a situation change, I can more easily appreciate how much God has placed me and is actively supporting me in the specified position He has ordained.

This is a whole new way for me to view rest. Don't get me wrong, I want the B&B getaway with the bubble baths and movies! And I also don't want to put off rest for those infrequent getaways. And I don't want my kids to think rest can't happen if they are around; I want them to know how to build it into their lives as well. I want them to realize that rest can be a wonderfully relaxing getaway and a way to live everyday.

So how does that really look? I mean, I have been in my bible more since this season of social distancing began. And I also feel like, while a lot of work has ceased, a whole new hustle and bustle has been ushered into our lives. What does rest look like when there is uncertainty at every turn?

God answered this one morning just outside my window.....

The very image of blooming rest!!

As the sun was coming up, I saw it. This beautiful illustration of blooming rest. This rose bush was gifted to us when we moved in and I planted it in the back yard. I have literally done nothing to help this plant thrive or even survive and yet every year we are blessed by more and more beautiful pink blossoms. It is not standing in protest refusing to bloom because I am not pampering it with rose specific soil and making sure it is sufficiently watered. It is thriving in the situation in which it has been placed.

This particular morning, it had rained big ol' fat pouring rain overnight and into the wee morning hours. We often view rain as a negative thing but in a situation where no one else is watering it, this rose no doubt appreciated the life-giving nourishment the rain brought. But then, did you see it??!! Did you see how surrendered that rose is?!! Look again, if you look closely it's there in all its overwhelming beauty. After pouring rain, thunder, lightening, and wind this rose sat still in the calm acceptance that this storm was ultimately for its own good. It sat completely surrendered in the rest of raindrops. So surrendered that the rain rested on the bloom without moving.

The very next day, the view out my window looked a bit different.

In just 24 hours, that rose had used each and every raindrop to help it bloom into this stunning flower. And then my eye noticed the closed blossom. The day before, it had perfectly balanced raindrops, too. And yet today it remained unchanged. But maybe this wasn't the storm it needed to bloom. It didn't wither and die because another rose bloomed first. Those nourishing raindrops fed it, too, just in less obvious but still necessary ways. The large, blossomed rose isn't putting the small bud in its shadow out of pride or anxiously wondering if it bloomed too soon. Instead it is standing next to it in support knowing it will bloom, too.

Often, I'm the first rose. Covered in raindrops from a storm. But rather than sitting in surrender; resting in God's provision, I'm shaking off the water trying to speed up the blooming or pretend I wasn't impacted by the storm. Or perhaps I'm stomping my feet repeatedly asking what the purpose of that storm was?!

While I may not be very good at rest, I'm trying to be better. I'm trying to be the rose that isn't concerned with others (either those who are further along or behind me). I'm trying to embrace the rain and its purpose. I'm trying to carve out time for things that fill my cup and bring the peace. More than anything I'm trying to focus on and trust where God has placed me and that he is actively supporting me in this specified position.

Life is so daily....

I struggle less, or perhaps differently, when life is pear-shaped. When my only option is Jesus because everything else has crumbled.

But when things settle, the storm ends, and daily life returns, I struggle! Being thankful gets pushed aside for small (or large) annoyances. Being content is shrouded by project lists and wish lists; my default shifts from JOY in everything to frustration in the daily tasks.

Don't get me wrong, it's not that I want more pear-shaped days or seasons. No, ma'am. What I want is to live everyday with the same resolve and reliance on the Lord. But how?

Life is just so.....daily.

We do the laundry and the hampers are full again.
We feed all the mouths and they are hungry again (and again, and again, and again).
We do the dishes and the sink gets full again.
We sweep the floor only to have it covered in crumbs again.

You can find a million ideas about cooking once for the week, one day a week laundry systems, once a month grocery shopping, and the list goes on. In the hustle and bustle we have been taught it is normal to avoid things that are daily so we can fit more into our lives.

I'm not saying there is anything wrong with being efficient with our time (I love a good efficient system)--but are we being efficient so we can fit in more activities or are we being efficient so we can fit in more God? Please hear my heart, I am asking myself this question, too, and not loving that my honest answer is more activities.

We aren't likely to find ideas on "once a week quiet times", "how to know the heart of God in only 3 minutes a day", "pressure-cooker Jesus". Through the seasons of life, the time of day and duration of my bible reading has changed. And as much as I hate to admit that I already know it, time reading my bible is the answer to living every day with the same resolve and reliance on the Lord as I do when struggles hit. The more I am reading, the more I want to read, the more I want to understand, and the more I press in to learning more about God. Likewise, since the bible is living and active, the more I am reading, the more I am available to hear what the Holy Spirit is teaching me even from a passage I have read multiple times before.

I remember my high school Spanish teacher telling us that we'd know we were fluent when we starting thinking in Spanish rather than translating everything back to English in our heads. Suffice it to say, I never got there with Spanish. But in a lot of ways, we can take her definition of fluency and apply it to our daily lives. If all our daily things point us to the struggle of more daily things, maybe that is translating life back to my human understanding. Perhaps a sign of biblical fluency is reading something and having our minds jump to another scripture that relates or clarifies what we read? Or when we are living life, rather than being annoyed, we recall a truth about God that encourages our task.

It might look something like this:

We do the laundry and recall Psalm 51:7 Purge me with hyssop, and I shall be clean; wash me, and I shall be whiter than snow. My sin is filthy and only through Jesus am I cleansed white as snow.

We feed all the mouths and think of how God meets all our needs because he is Jehovah Jireh-The Lord will Provide. (Genesis 22:14)

We do the dishes (wash all the cups) and are reminded of Jesus' surrender to the will of God in the Garden of Gethsemane. He says "My Father, if it be possible, let this cup pass from me; nevertheless, not as I will, but as you will." Matthew 26:39 I may not love the situation we are in or what God is asking of me but it isn't about my will.

We sweep the floor and our mind goes to Revelation 21:4 rejoicing that He will wipe [sweep] away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning, nor crying, nor pain anymore, for the former things have passed away. God is HOPE. In what is coming, in restoration, in redemption.

The bible is first and foremost about God. Is it not a book purposed to help us get through our laundry-filled days. But maybe, our laundry filled days are purposed to point us back to God?!

Yes, life is just so.....daily!!


Originally posted 3/24/2020 at AdornedMinistries.com/blog

Ladybugs and Blades of Grass...

We went on a walk today so the girls could ride their bikes and we saw this beautiful ladybug. When I tried to take a picture, the wind blew and one blade of grass perfectly positioned itself in front of what I was trying to capture. Immediately I realized what an accurate description that was for how I have been feeling.

Total honesty, the last few days have felt super heavy and just hard. Everyone in my house is feeling it: tears over having to wait, desperately wanting space away from siblings, uncertainty of how long this insanity will last, a deep desire to connect with friends in person.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m so grateful for Zoom, Facetime, texting, and phone calls AND this is still hard. We have just been in a funk, trying to focus on beauty and also feeling like blades of grass keep getting in the way!

The ladybug is still there....and so are the blades of grass. I can see ways God is providing and moving; daily there are gifts of family time we have not experienced in a very long time; creativity is being sparked in new ways for all of us; there is a whole new realization that I really do love our house; and there are ample photos on my phone I can and do post alongside #todayIamGratefulfor

And it also feels like everyday is just a blob of time. Paul is home so it seems odd to set an alarm which starts my day off differently than it used to; jammies are the uniform which I kind of love and is also a reminder that, again, there is no where to go; everyone needs to eat all. the. time. As one of my girls said today "This is hard even though we aren't missing our school." She hit on such a poignant point without even realizing it: this season is different hard for everyone. 

Our mental health journey over the last year led me to discover the wonderful resource of Mental Health Grace Alliance. Their blog, free downloads, and Thrive Workbook truly are gifts!! One of the things their workbook discusses is the idea of balanced thinking. Allow me to explain it using my illustration from our walk. Positive thinking is not inherently bad but can often ignore or minimize the very real "blades of grass" in our lives. Negative thinking may have a place but again often discounts that there are any ladybugs at all. Balanced thinking recognizes the blades of grass, leaves room for the impact of them, all the while recognizing that ladybugs are there and are beautiful.

Admittedly, today has been a negative thinking kind of day. It seemed like my efforts to balance my thinking were just falling flat. And then God gave me a gift that allowed me to inhale and breathe a sigh of rest tonight. During a text conversation with a dear friend, I was able to share some encouragement I received many months ago and it spoke to her heart. And more than that, being able to share reminded me of the same truth and filled a need I hadn't even realized I'd had tonight.

The words "comfort those as you have been comforted" came to mind. I could pretend and say that I immediately knew the reference but I googled it. The search took me to 2 Corinthians 1:3-6

3 Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, 

the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, 

4 who comforts us in all our affliction, so that we may be able to comfort 

those who are in any affliction, with the comfort with 

which we ourselves are comforted by God. 

5 For as we share abundantly in Christ's sufferings, 

so through Christ we share abundantly in comfort too. 

6 If we are afflicted, it is for your comfort and salvation; 

and if we are comforted, it is for your comfort, 

which you experience when you patiently endure the same sufferings that we suffer.

This passage makes it clear, every day won't be daisies and sunshine. There will be grass in front of the ladybugs. And it also makes a few other very important things clear, too.

One, that God provides our comfort as the Father of mercies and the God of all comfort. As much as I hate to admit it, my true comfort is not in my chocolate (that I may or may not be eating as I type), or in my shopping trips, or in my ability to go to the park, or in my attempts to fill every moment of my day. True comfort comes from God, from learning more about who He is. 

Two, He comforts us with a purpose bigger than ourselves. Look at verse 4 above: "who comforts us in all our affliction, so that we may be able to comfort those who are in any affliction." God loves me more than I will ever understand because Jesus went to the cross to cover my sins (and your sins, and the sins of the world). Out of that love, He lavishes His comfort upon me when I am struggling. And also out of that love, I am called to comfort others in the way I have been comforted: Jesus. 

Three, I don't have to have walked the same road as someone to comfort them. Again, look at verse 4: "....to comfort those who are in any affliction...." It doesn't say in the same affliction. It is such a blessing to have those friends who truly get me. To be able to say a few words or briefly explain my feelings and have them nod from a place a having walked those same steps before. AND what a testimony to the universality and also personal nature of Jesus when I can sit with a friend who is walking a road I haven't walked and be able to validate and affirm their feelings, encourage them with truth, and sit with them in the hard places. 

So if things feel hard for you today, as I have heard from more than one friend, you are not alone. And if you are seeing the beauty in the little things, as I have heard from more than one friend, you are also not alone. And if you feel like you are trying to see the ladybugs but the grass keeps getting in the way, you are most definitely not alone.

Grab the chocolate, text a friend, make a cup of tea, find a cozy blanket and open your bible. Don't know where to start, pick a Psalm or start in Matthew. Read a verse and then read it again. Feel the freedom to tell God about your hard day, about what you would like to be different, about the grass that is staying in the way. He can take it all...and then he comforts. That doesn't mean that we will wake up and this will all have been a big April Fool's joke (a theory from one of my girls). But it means that this can be hard and okay at the same time. 

But I looked EVERYwhere....

"But I caaaaan't find it! I looked EVERYwhere and it's not there!"

"Did you look on the dresser like I asked you to?"

"Well....no. But I looked EVERYwhere else! Why is it so hard to find?!"

"Go look on the dresser."

"It's here!?! Man that was a lot of work to find!"  

Tell me it isn't just my house?! Eyes sweeping a room, breathing faster to give the facade of speed, emotions in hyperdrive....all in an attempt to locate the latest treasure (no doubt worth $0.02 or less) or whatever item I need them to retrieve for me. Once said item is found, peace is restored, celebration occurs, and there's this congratulatory exhale of having survived the plight. Wash, rinse, repeat. In a house with four daughters, this scene can happen multiple times a day. Insert eye-roll emoji here. 

And if I'm honest, I have been known to take my whole house apart looking for one missing game piece or accessory that I know has not walked down the street. What in the world would my day look like without all the looking?! Ah, I digress...

Back to my question at the top...."Did you look on the dresser like I asked you to?"
And the response...."Well....no. But I looked EVERYwhere else! Why is it so hard to find?!"

The truth is, it wasn't hard to find had the looking started in the place I directed. And these tiny hearts want credit for all the energy and perseverance it took to find it. Hmmmmmm.....sound like wandering in the dessert for 40 years?!

How often does my not so tiny heart want the same thing? How often do I approach God this way? How often has he been clear with His desire for me--either from His Word as applied to all believers, or specifically telling me where to step?!

"Find your fulfillment in ME", the Lord says.

Hmmmm....why aren't my husband and kids satisfying me?!?
Hmmmm....I marked everything off my to-do list and just wasn't time for scripture. Why do I feel distance from God?
Hmmmm....I am doing all the things at church and serving in all the ways but never slow down enough to be transformed by the Word?! Why isn't checking all the boxes enough?
Hmmmm....I feel God pulling me to do something outside of the box but it isn't what most people are doing around me so I'm staying in the box. Why does this feel so hard?!

I come in prayer wanting to hear "Well done good and faithful servant", armed with the words "See Lord, it still isn't working." Please hear my heart: the above (and oh, so many more) are in no way pointing a finger; I have asked all of the above either out loud or in my heart. And I have a suspicion that I'm not alone in that boat.

And while God scoops me up in all His merciful grace, did I look in the one place he told me look?! Did I step the way He was guiding? Did I follow through when he prompted me to talk to that person, send that text, or buy their lunch? The truth is they were never supposed to satisfy, scripture was meant to be a priority, checking boxes is never the goal, and obedience is always the right option.

There is a lot of noise pulling me to look EVERYwhere other than at the Lord. Noise that distracts me more than I care to admit. And in my heart, I still often want bonus points for all the time I spend doing the hard work of looking elsewhere; the hard work of making "good" off my list.

What a gift there is in a God who is always sitting, waiting on me to tune out the noise, stop looking in all the places, and simply look where He told me look!

Walk...

This picture....my four chicks in IKEA. My four chicks all walking through IKEA. As I watched the baby walk to catch up with her sisters I was struck with such awe of all that God has done. 

Yes, the other IKEA shoppers saw a mom with four kinda crazy kids playing pretend in all the rooms. But that mom saw miracles, emotions, healing, and victory. It wasn't that long ago that taking four kiddos to the winding, labyrinth of IKEA would have been too much. And having no one strapped into anything would have sent my anxiety over the edge. 

But on this day, our IKEA adventure was a sign of the healing God has done. Oh, there is still more work to do but so much has been done. 

I have a note in my bible next to Isaiah 40:30-31. The passage reads:

Even youths shall faint and be weary,

and young men shall fall exhausted;

but they who wait for the Lord shall renew their strength;

they shall mount up on the wings like eagles;

they shall run and not be weary;

they shall walk and not faint.

The note I have written next to it says We aren't always called to soar--sometimes JUST walk! I have pretty high standards for myself and I really want to soar everyday!! Which I can't do on my own. But the really pivotal point in these verses above is that even when I wait on the Lord, sometimes he has me walk while ensuring I don't faint. It's saying that no matter the season, God is working.   

This picture. 

Sometimes we just walk. 

Sometimes through IKEA. 

Sometimes through a tough season. 

Sometimes we just walk. 

"Inconceivable!!"

Where are my Princess Bride fans?!?!

I love the part when Inigo Montoya tells Vizzini "You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means."

Almost everything Vizzini says is inconceivable is actually very conceivable and often logical. Herein lies the comedy of it throughout the movie. He uses it to describe ideas that simply hadn't occurred to him (in his, arguably, less than average intellect). Inigo's line is what movie watchers are yelling at the screen the whole movie.

For the past few years, I have had the privilege of working on Storytime for Preschool VBS at our church. This year, we are focusing on creation and the word "inconceivable" keeps echoing in my mind each time I learn something new (and yes, most of the time, I hear it in Vizzini's voice)! It has been such fun diving into all the beautiful ways God created each and every thing on this earth. His infinite wisdom, knowledge, and provision has taken on a whole new meaning to me!

Did you know....

Morpho butterflies, primarily found in Central and South America, can have a wingspan of about 8 inches. That's right, if one landed on a piece of paper, its wings would extend almost the full width.

Have you seen pictures of those super cute and brightly colored frogs in tropical climates!? Generally speaking, the more brightly colored one is, the more poisonous they are. Almost like warning lights to protect them from being eaten.

The deepest part of the ocean that has been explored is the Mariana Trench (located in the Pacific Ocean). It is a mile deeper than Mount Everest is tall. While I'm not likely to attempt to climb Mount Everest, I can appreciate its magnitude. And to think it would be masked completely by the sea is, well, inconceivable.

There are rocks in both Pennsylvania and Montana that make a ringing sound when hit with a hammer?! The rocks around my house definitely do not make a sound even close to ringing. But Luke 19:40 tells us that stones will cry out so it doesn't seem that far fetched, right!?

If you have the privilege of visiting Hawaii, you will find Rainbow Eucalyptus trees (google them, trust me). The bark on these trees looks like it has been colored with crayons! Honestly, if I hadn't seen them in person, I wouldn't have believed the pictures.

Did you know that a blue whale, the largest animal created, survives on a diet of krill. A single krill is the size of a paperclip. Nope, not a typo; a paperclip. The largest animal ever created eats approximately 8,000 pounds of paperclips....ahem, krill a day. And God designed it so that there would be plenty of krill to sustain them, as well as countless other sea creatures.

See, these things seem inconceivable to me because I cannot fully wrap my human brain around everything being so wonderfully and perfectly created and designed. But that is the thing: God is inconceivable. So many things in this world seem impossible, but scripture says that nothing is impossible with God (Matthew 19:26). Learning these facts leaves me in awe and yet, I will never be able to fully understand the reasons God made each creation the way He did. From trees to flowers, from reptiles to mammals, from stars to the Mariana Trench. These are things that exist to reflect God's glory and point us back to Him.

I can't fully understand all that God does, but I can understand that being inconceivable is inherent in his character. Does that make it inconceivably conceivable? hmmm.... I'll let Inigo and Vizzini hash that argument out and I'll stand in awe of all that God did in creation and all that he continues to do daily through that creation to point my heart back to him!

I'll leave you with this fantastic video clip from Louis Giglio. Y'all. Really. This is worth the 8 minutes of your day. Whales and stars, y'all. Whales and stars. Inconceivable.

Working against me?

There is a Chris Tomlin song from several years ago called "And If Our God is For Us". Part of the chorus says:

And if Our God is for us, then who could ever stop us

And if our God is with us, then what can stand against?

Then what can stand against?

I have found myself saying a phrase to my family quite often: "Why is everyone working against me?!" 

There are days I think they have held a secret meeting....the discussion must look something like this:

• "Ok, every item my wife needs out, I'm going to move, put away, or find a new home. And these items she is all done with, I'm going to leave strewn about."
• "My job will be to follow her around and undo what she has just completed."
• "If I see mom cleaning, I'm going to make a mess in another room."
• "I'm going to be super sensitive and emotional all. day. long. as soon as mom asks me to do something."
• "I'm not going to need to go potty until mom puts the van in reverse."
• "Let's hide all our shoes so we can't find them when she asks us to." 
• "I'm curious about 478,927 things and today is the day I'm asking all the questions."
• "My answer today will be the whiniest 'no' I can muster, even if I really want to say yes...it will be preceded by 'no' first."
• "Your mother didn't create a junk bin so let's just create one for all these items that don't appear to have a home." 
• "As soon as mommy puts the last load in the dryer, everyone has an accident, gets dirty, or spills something." 

We had our first three babies in three years. It wasn't what I would call easy to have a three year old, an almost two year old, and a newborn BUT there was seemingly less plotting (ha!) and logistically it felt easier then than some days do now...independence and opinions can often feel stacked against me. 

But then these lyrics above echo in my head and the words of Romans 8:31: "What then shall we say to these things? If God is for us, who can be against us?" Just before this verse, it talks about the Holy Spirit helping us in our weakness, God working things together for good for those he has called, justified, and glorified. 

Does this mean that because I love the Lord I won't have hard days? Nope. Not at all. There is a very real enemy out to devour those who claim Jesus is Lord (1 Peter 5:8). And we live in a fallen world (Genesis 3); the impact of sin on this world touches each of us, daily.  

Does this mean that every day is going to be champagne and roses...or unicorns and butterflies? Nope. Because kids are people, husbands are people, and I am a person. We are all flesh and fall short of the glory of God (Romans 3:21-23). And we all behave out of that flesh sometimes. 

So what does this mean? For me, it means trying to shift my perspective. The enemy is prowling around...but Jesus defeated death. The impact of sin touches me daily, but so does the redemption ushered in by the cross. The enemy is not my husband or my kids. The enemy is standing against God--not me. 

So on days when it feels like everything is crumbling and nothing is going right, maybe it is because I am taking Satan's attacks against God on myself? Maybe I am taking my frustration with the Devil out on my family? 

And maybe, I am not yielding to the prompting of God to see things differently: 

• "I'm not sure what things your mom needs, but I'm trying to be helpful."
• "I wanna play with mommy--she does laundry a lot, maybe it is her favorite game."
• "Mom is busy, I'll entertain myself."
• "I was trying hard to obey but I do have to go potty."
• "God is awesome and I wanna know everything about all the things He made."
• "I just want a hug. I'm little but life is hard."
• "Let's try to not to leave anything for mommy to do."
• "This game is so fun, I missed the cues that I needed to go potty."
• "We love mom so much, let's plan a surprise for her."

Giant mess or creative play so I can cook?! Perspective shift.

A word or two...

I'm not one who usually makes New Year's Resolutions. But, for the last several years, I have enjoyed choosing a word on which to focus throughout the year. My word for 2019 was embrace. I had such hope for this word as the year began and somewhere along the way it kind of got lost in the mix. When I found it again, I felt like I had failed at embracing anything that year.

2019 was hard. I've shared in previous posts how we welcomed our fourth baby girl in December 2018 and postpartum depression came along for the ride. Our marriage was tested more than ever before. Friendships changed. Misapplied Truth was muddled with actual, scriptural Truth (this is beyond confusing). Beliefs were challenged. Counseling was hard. Utilizing new tools was harder. Unadulterated Truth was revealed (amen!!). Ultimately, by God's grace and provision, the year ended more triumphantly than we could have ever anticipated (with plenty of work still being done). Did I embrace the journey? Hmmm...by definition, embrace means "an act of accepting or supporting something willingly or enthusiastically." I'd have to say no, I definitely did not embrace our 2019 journey. But I didn't give up; we persevered. We dug in, worked hard, worked together, and learned things about God we wouldn't have learned otherwise. Embraced? Nope. Overcome? Absolutely!

This battle with postpartum depression was ushered in with the birth of our sweet Nora June. When we settled on June being Nora's middle name, it sounded right and I knew it was her name but I couldn't figure out why. All our other girls have a family or sentimental element to their names but not this one. It wasn't until after her arrival, in the midst of our some of our hardest months, that God showed me why it was her name. Nora means honor, light. June can mean young as well as protector of women and marriage. Did you catch that (because I needed God to repeat it for me)!? Protector of woman and marriage. Whether I enthusiastically embraced the journey or not, the journey was meant to protect not destroy; to bring honor and light. 

That was 2019. This is 2020 (anyone else hear Barbara Walters?!). Lord, what focus do you have for me this year? Initially, I kept landing on the word rest. If I am being completely honest, I was both excited about this and annoyed all the same. "Rest?! Really?! I've tried to get a restful bubble bath and the bathroom becomes Grand Central Station every. single. time. Really, Lord?! And also, please show me because mama is tired." Rest. hmmm. 

As I sat with this, I kept hearing bloom? 

Blooming? 

Blooming Rest. 

Blooming Rest? 

This sounded impossible. 

Until I realized that flowers bloom from a place of rest. 

No striving. 

No running. 

Buried, actually. 

And having to be completely undone in order to bloom.  

There are things I feel God is asking me to develop, cultivate, and grow this year. And in order to do so, I need to rest in Him; His word (rather than perpetually moving it to tomorrow). Blooming Rest, much like Nora's name, now makes complete sense to me.  

Power's out....

Several days ago, on a rainy afternoon, we got home and within about 10 minutes, the power went out. I was thankful we had gotten home and in the garage out of the rain before this happened. I had a to-do list we were all going to work to complete together but it most definitely required being able to see. We gathered the few flashlights we had and I called the number to report the outage. "There are approximately 1000 people currently without power. Your power should be fully restored by 2:30." Not what I had planned but less than 2 hours of no power was not a major deal; I shifted my list in my head and adjusted my plan.

And then my chicks started to chime in....

"Ummmm...this is kind of scary."

"I wish we lived at her house where the lights can turn on!!"

"How long has it been?! Is it almost on?!"

"Girls, there are people working hard to get it fixed for us and the 1000 other people without power. There is nothing we can do about it. You can still do most everything you were planning to do."

Soon they had decided to be performers, using the flashlights as the spotlights and I heard giggles and laughs coming from their room.

And then, a short 20 minutes later, the power was BACK! Much faster than anticipated, our power had been restored! And then I heard...

"Wait what?!! The lights came on!!"

"Oh man! Now we can't be performers!"

"Let's just turn the lights off and keep playing in the dark!!"

I caught my face in my hands and chuckled at how silly they were--frustrated because they couldn't turn on the lights and then frustrated that the power was back. And then it hit me: what an accurate picture of ME! Don’t I tend to want what I can’t have?! How often am I frustrated because, in my estimation, God isn't providing or acting swiftly enough?! Or when He does act, it isn't how I thought he would (ie: it isn’t the way I “dress-rehearsaled” the details in my head) so I stomp my feet (be it literally or in my heart)!? 

Lord, you know my desire to be married, please show me who you have for me?! 

Ok, wait, this marriage thing is haaaard and it often seems like we aren't speaking the same language. This is what I asked for and now I'd like to keep complaining, please. 

Oh Lord, we want to be parents. Our hearts ache to have a baby. 

Wait, what?! I love these kiddos fiercely and this season of behavioral struggles was not on my radar. Can we have an easier season please?!!  

Lord, you know the financial struggles we are having. Please show us a way to a new job. 

Hmmmm. A layoff, Lord?! I was hoping for a promotion instead. Are you sure this was what you meant?

It reminds me of a zoo trip several years ago. We were watching the elephants and noticed one along the edge of his enclosure with his head pressed up against the fence. Honestly, it looked like he had put himself in timeout. As we got closer I realized that his head was pressed up against the fence because he was reaching through the slats with his trunk to eat the grass on the other side. Despite standing in a rather large patch of grass that could easily be reached, he quite literally was playing out the saying "The grass is always greener on the other side".

The bible has examples of people operating in this same mindset:

Adam and Eve were given all that they could ever need in the garden. God's love and provision lavished over them in spades yet they were so easily tempted by the one tree they were told not to eat from (Genesis 3:1-7).

Despite having been freed from Egypt, the Israelites determined Moses had been gone too long and implored Aaron to make them a god to worship (Exodus 32).

I tend to think "this would be easier if....", "once we get through this, the dust will settle and it will be easier", "God isn't going to leave it like this forever..." “If only we still had xyz like we had before…” Sometimes these thoughts are accurate but often, the only thing they achieve is moving my focus off of where Jesus has me now. There ARE very hard seasons. There ARE real struggles and challenges that leave us exhausted from the work required to navigate them. And knowing Jesus doesn't exempt me from the hard. It does mean, however, that I am not alone in the hard and that there is purpose in the hard.  

Believe me, often I would rather be like my girls and complain whether the lights are on or off. A lot of the time, I am the elephant standing in plenty of grass longing for the grass someone else has. And I have also learned, as much as I don’t want to admit it, that the hard things I have walked have been what was necessary for God to show me my weaknesses by revealing His strengths

I also tend to get focused on what God has done or what He will do. But taking in, processing, and embracing what He is doing now is admittedly harder for me. The grass will be greener when we get through this mentality. But wouldn't I value that greener grass more if I truly embraced who God is and what He is doing even while the grass is withered?

We are packing up Christmas and I was struck by this nativity I have been looking at since before Thanksgiving. No matter how many times it was arranged, by the end of the day, it looked like this:

"Everyone is looking at Jesus!"

When I asked, my four-year-old said "I did it! Because everyone would be looking at Jesus, Mom!" What a profound and simple answer! Jesus died as payment for my sins. Lights on or lights off, green grass or withered grass, keep looking at Jesus.