A picture worth 1000 feelings....

Facebook has a feature called "On this Day" where it shows you what you posted in the past, on this day. Today it showed me this picture:

One year ago, with a 3 year old, almost 22 month old, and a 3 week old, we went to HEB. When I look at this picture it is about so much more than conquering HEB with three kiddos so small. When I look at this picture I am filled with awe about what we can accomplish with God's help. Yes, it was a monumental trip to HEB; mom alone and three babies and every one of us made it home. The trip started in the bulk aisle with me saying "What do you want?" while glistening eyes stared at me with disbelief that I really was offering them anything. And it was the most beneficial $1.67 I've ever spent. The freshly baked tortilla samples came just about the time the snack bags ran out, and the Mexican cookie from the bakery got us through checkout.   And I'm fairly certain I jumped for joy when we got home with groceries that actually made a meal! HEB is a weekly trip for the Nixon Chicks now and has progressively contained fewer and fewer bribes. 

But more than all of that, when I look at this picture, a picture captioned "Conquering my Everest", I see something so much more. 

In 2007 I had my first panic attack. I was at work and reached for the computer mouse and couldn't grab it my hand was shaking so much. My chest got tight, I couldn't breathe, and I remember crying so hard yet no tears would come. I looked at a coworker with terror in my eyes and retreated to my office. This started my road with anxiety and depression. Throughout this battle, laundry and the grocery store were two of the significant triggers. So much so that I couldn't handle going to HEB because it was too big and busy and overwhelmed me instantly. I started shopping at the Randall's up the road from my apartment because it was smaller, less busy, and more manageable. Yet even so, I remember calling my mom in tears from the trash bag aisle. I couldn't calculate which option was a better deal and I had spent far too many minutes trying to figure it out on my own. Trash bags?!?! For whatever reason, the grocery store and laundry is how much of my anxiety manifested itself; just symptoms of the bigger issue. I remember the first time I went back to HEB and successfully shopped without incident. Just me, alone. Buying food for myself and not having to meal plan. What a triumphant day that was?! 

God brought me healing from anxiety and depression through medicine, counsel, and prayer. And I know it was Him because life has happened since and when overwhelming struggles have come, neither the anxiety nor the depression has returned. 

So when I saw this picture on FB today from 1 year ago, I was overcome with what our God can do! I had three babies ages 3 and under, went to HEB Plus (which is HUGE with everything from milk to clothing), and left feeling victorious not overwhelmed. Sure we had some bribes to assist but no amount of gummy bears, tortillas, or cookies has power against the schemes of the devil crippling minds and emotions with anxiety and depression. Only through the power of Jesus, and the tools He provides, is it possible. 

This picture shows me Jesus conquering my Everest for me. Not the Everest of flying solo with 3 kids for the first time, or the Everest of grocery shopping with 3 littles, but the Everest of having victory over Satan! And that....that fills me with so many emotions! 

When your JOY gets spilled....

JOY. joy. J-O-Y. Such a small word that has such BIG meaning. Joy differs from happiness. Happiness is based on happenings. Joy is something that remains despite circumstances. Joy is a fruit of the Spirit. Honestly, joy is one of the most powerful things I can think of on this planet...and sadly one of the things that, many times, has felt inaccessible to me. It's not that God has withheld it, or that it really wasn't available to me; it's just that I don't always tap into its full potential.

A recent staple in our home has become Joy essential oil. Lucy asked for some tonight and I went to get it. The bottle literally jumped out of my hand and hit the floor. Joy....everywhere; ironically not as wonderful as it sounds. With people over and curious eyes watching I held back my frustrated and disappointed tears. I poured what I could into a clean bottle and literally sat with a pipette trying to salvage all that I could from the floor. And even now, the joy soaked paper towels are in a baggie by my bed because I want to get every bit of use I can out of the half a bottle that was wasted.

Lucy and I have been working on attitudes a lot. We've been working on breathing and finding something good despite the situation (thank you, Daniel Tiger, for a song for this). And a major tool has been our Joy oil. One major hangup for her (and let's face it, for me, too) is when things don't go according to our own plan--we let Satan steal our joy. Instead of just being unhappy, all the while knowing that God's still got this, we bottom out because clearly the world is ending (which is also not part of our plan, by the way). I can easily let myself slip into this joyless spiral and camp out. Sometimes feeling like I can see myself reacting poorly but can't realign things properly.

We just recently watched "Inside Out" as a family. (Oh my word! That movie could have been an entire class in my Grad School program for Social Work. So very creative, accurate, and informative. It's definitely worth seeing if you haven't already.) In the movie, Riley's feelings (Joy, Disgust, Anger, Sadness, Fear) are watching her spiral down as they watch her core memories crumble to pieces in her brain. Joy gets tossed out of the control center so the others are left in charge. This is how I feel--like I'm watching from the control panel but Joy isn't there to keep everything running smoothly. And while I know this isn't who I want to be or how I want to live, it's easy to keep Joy locked once the other emotions get comfortable being in charge. It's harder to keep doing this when I see it playing out in my little girl.

My child, who is clearly going on twenty-four, was trying so hard to calm down and the tears just kept flowing. With desperation in her eyes she exclaimed, "I just don't know what is controlling me." This is not a phrase I use with her so I was a bit shocked that she was able to verbalize the out of control feeling so accurately. I knew we needed to meet this at the source. I told her Satan was trying to ruin her day with his poopy plan and we can't let him do it. So we stopped and said, "Satan, go sit on a tack with your poopy plan! In Jesus' name, amen!" Of course this was coupled with some Stress Away and Joy oils as well. And when you're 4, it's hard to say what helped realign you more: giggling at the word "poopy", oils, or Jesus. When you're over 30, you know that the first two are gifts from the One who can realign ANYthing!

At the end of Inside Out (spoiler alert), Joy realizes that the pivotal core memories are better when joy is marbled throughout them; that our most joyful moments are often coupled with sad ones as well. Satan tries his best to pour out all our joy (sometimes literally) and have us believe we can't have it anymore. We can get so focused on circumstances and happenings that we forget that JOY can be chosen and was designed to be marbled into our days. Christ is the reason we can experience joy at all.

Psalm 126: 3, 5 illustrates this idea beautifully:

The Lord has done great things for us, and we are filled with joy.

Those who sow with tears will reap with songs of joy. 

Plans get ruined, tears are cried, life happens. Satan spills our joy thinking that will be the end of it; that we will let the other emotions stay in charge. Admittedly, I've given them too much power. And while Satan can spill all my joy if he wants, he can't steal the One who supplies it!

A moment such as this...

As much as I want to sit and write a post anytime I want, it simply doesn't happen. But this morning, something stirred in my heart at church that I needed to sit and write this. Likely for my own learning and contemplation but perhaps someone else needs to hear it, too. I have been struck lately by the verse in Esther (4:14) that reads, "Perhaps this is the moment for which you have been created." And for all I know, God created me for any one of the moments I have already lived or any one to come....my job is not to know His reason why but to attempt to live each one as if it is the reason I was put here. For example, is my moment laundry or dishes or grocery shopping? Doubtful. But those tasks mean something bigger. I am serving my family and that has profound significance and purpose. 

Admittedly, I question God a LOT when it feels like moments aren't enough, unfulfilling. When it feels like everything is uphill and then I slide back down into a valley and never quite make it to the mountaintop. The mountaintop looks so appealing. Everyone smiling and rejoicing about all kinds of things...and I'm pulling into my house calculating how long we can make it with the few diapers we have left because I forgot them and really don't want to take everyone back to HEB. And then I realize that my mundane is more than a lot of people have. I have three babies I never thought I'd have and I get to drive my van to the grocery store that is all of two minutes away from the house we get to have.

It might feel like a valley but why is it I only think I can celebrate on the mountain top? Why is it I reserve my gratitude for the high-point rather than the journey? I know why. Because on the mountain top, I think I know what God is doing. When I feel a reprieve, I take a breath and say "I see what you were doing there, God. I figured it out." When really, I know nothing about God's plan. I know nothing in the valley. I know nothing on the mountain top. I know nothing on the journey. I know nothing with green eggs and ham. I know nothing. 

Ok. I know one thing. I know God is God and I am not. He is in charge simply because he is God. That's enough. And if my moment is to help my kids become friends with half of the staff at HEB (which we have done, by the way...they notice when we haven't been in a while), then that must be needed for kingdom work. If my moment is rejoicing with my four-year-old because she took a deep breath and calmed down all on her own (even though I know another meltdown is imminent because I see her sister grabbed her beloved toy of the day), then it's worth it. 

This morning my heart was full and longing at the same time. We sang a song we used to sing at our old church and I missed my choir family dearly. And I was so encouraged by the words and that God used it despite us being in a new chapter, at a new church. I have always looked at valleys as being a low point, a means to an end, a necessary evil. But this song gives me a new perspective. This song paints valleys as a place of protection. A place God uses for healing and strengthening. If my moment is in a valley like this, I'll take it not matter what is happening on the mountaintop. 

My God is awesome

He can move mountains

Keep me in the valley

Hide me from the rain

My God is awesome

Heals me when I'm broken

Gives strength where I've been weakened

Forever He will reign

My God is awesome

He can move mountains

Keep me in the valley

Hide me from the rain

My God is awesome

Heals me when I'm broken

Gives strength where I've been weakened

Forever He will reign

My God is awesome, awesome, awesome, awesome

My God is awesome

Savior of the whole world

Giver of salvation

By His stripes I am healed

My God is awesome

Today I am forgiven

His grace is why I'm living

Praise His holy name

My God is awesome, awesome, awesome, awesome

He's mighty

Awesome, awesome

He's holy

Awesome, awesome

He's great

Awesome, awesome

Deliverer

Awesome, awesome

Provider 

Awesome, awesome

Protector 

Awesome, awesome

My God is awesome

He can move mountains

Keep me in the valley

Hide me from the rain

My God is awesome

Heals me when I'm broken

Gives strength where I've been weakened

Praise His holy name

My God is Awesome

by Charles Jenkins