This year....this year is different. In August, God asked us to leave our church home. In some ways we understood God's request and in other ways we did not. Brokenhearted yet eager to see what God had, we were obedient and left. We visited a couple of places before finding where we felt God was leading us*. Life was moving along and we had a wonderful Thanksgiving with family.
We got home and pulled out Christmas stuff so we could start our advent calendar on December 1. I adore decorating for Christmas for countless reasons and ornaments are one of my favorite things ever. This year, instead of elation, unpacking Christmas stuff weighed on my shoulders like a ton of bricks. Why? Was the meaning of Christmas somehow different this year than last? No. Still about the birth of the most significant person to walk the earth. Still about Jesus and that is cause for celebration. Through tears and some less than grace-filled moments on my part, I had an epiphany. For the first time since 2009 our Christmas season hadn't started back in August, our family picture wouldn't fit the tradition, we wouldn't be part of the Christmas program because that wasn't our church home this year. Ok, well that just sucks. I didn't expect leaving our church home to not fully hit me for three months so I was kind of blindsided.
As I was trudging through my funk and struggling, we were charting new traditions for our Christmas season. The girls decided they wanted to make a gingerbread house so we headed to Target for a kit. The first one we found was fully assembled and you just decorated it. Lucy grabbed it off the shelf and said, "This one mommy! we need this one." I noticed another shelf with multiple options you assemble yourself and then decorate. I found myself standing in Target with my daughter whining that we needed the fully assembled one. It felt like an out-of-body experience as I said, "Can you just trust mommy that these are better? Can you trust that I know a tiny bit more than you? It's not as much fun if it is already built."
Hmmmm....ok God....Can I just trust that you know what is best for me? Can I just trust that you know far more than I do and since you told us to leave and you led us to a new church home that you have a plan. I'm not trusting you right now, but I can choose to do that.
Oh, gingerbread houses!! Box includes: house pieces, royal icing, candy for decorating, biblical wisdom......who knew?!
There will be more tears. My heart still hurts. Something that has defined our holidays since we met is gone. But can I trust that these days are going to be better? Can I trust that His story for me and my family has to include these steps and this pain in order to achieve a Kingdom purpose? I have to choose to....over and over, I have to choose to. If I don't, Christmas really is just about a family picture, a few presents, the decorations, and a program. If I don't choose to trust that God is in control like scripture tells me and if I don't stand on everything working together for His Kingdom then my King becoming a baby means nothing.
Perhaps the source of most of my tears will come from the realization that in my heart I had reduced Christmas to my pre-built gingerbread house--everything done for me just waiting for some decoration (or in our case, as my husband says, our annual baby to be added to the picture). I believe scripture is true and the story of Jesus' birth is the reason we celebrate at all. NOTHING else matters. It's about the baby....the baby born to die on a cross. This is not a cookie-cutter story to just insert into my holiday image. It is THE story out of which my holiday images should come.
My favorite Christmas carol has always been "O Holy Night" and in my funk this week one line spoke to me like never before. I told Paul it might be the best line I have ever heard because it drew such a vivid image for me. This line is my prayer for my own heart and for my family as we celebrate the birth of our Savior without the pre-built house to which we'd grown accustomed...
the thrill of hope, the weary world rejoices
*When we pulled up to our new church the first Sunday, Lucy asked, "Where are we?" We told her it was a new church we were trying and we were going to ask God if this is where he wanted us. She immediately said, "Can I ask him now?" Of course we said yes and she prayed. We piled out of the car and she panicked because she forgot to say "amen." Once we rectified that, we got everyone sorted out and went to service. Afterward, as we're buckling everyone in the car, someone walked over to deliver something Sophie had left behind. He told us he was glad we came and was in the process of saying how much he hoped we'd come back. Before the words came out of his mouth, Lucy looks up and simply states, "I'll be back." We weren't sure if she planned to bring us with her but we all left feeling a resounding YES from God....out of the mouths of babes you ordain praise to silence our enemies (paraphrase of Psalm 8:2).
