Dark Chocolate Days

This week at work has been a "trudging through the mud" kind of week. I have stated multiple times that we just "need to dip this day in chocolate!" I left work Wednesday and started my list of errands. I had my detailed to-do list organized in "outline style" and complete with check boxes next to each task. Oh how Target failed me--nothing on my list was available at this location (mind you all the items were Target-specific things). I grabbed a much-needed bag of Dove dark chocolate and a Coke Zero and headed to my next errand. I marched into JoAnn Fabrics with soda in hand and chocolate in my purse. Then I stood, mind reeling, taking in all the glorious fabrics! So much I could make, so little time! Focus--back to my list. I checked each box off gleefully and even used more than one coupon--this was success! Off I went to my second Target location of the evening. Victory--they had everything I needed in abundance and best of all, now each box on my list had a wonderful ü-mark inside it. 

Exhausted from the week, I was feeling a bit better post chocolate, soda and fabric purchasing. So, at home I got to work and even completed some sewing projects--pure bliss! As I went to bed something changed; I was very overwhelmed with life in general and my mind wouldn't stop. While the evening was momentarily better than my day had gone, it was a brief fix. The thought of going to work seemed VERY unappealing (not that I am against working in general--I just don't love my job) and suddenly the idea that I have NO control over the future was weighing on my heart. I was done--D.O.N.E. (This might seem like an obvious realization--having no control over the future--but I would venture that I am not the only one who lives in this facade of knowing what tomorrow holds and how my life will look in a few years. If I'm alone here, I'll hold down the camp myself, but my guess is I have some company). 

I finally fell asleep but woke up this morning and just started crying. I'd had a bad dream and woke from it very abruptly. It wasn't even that the events in the dream were that terrible--it was just overwhelming--I could physically feel the weight of the dream on my shoulders. If I was done last night--now I was overdone! As Paul aptly verbalized "Sleep is supposed to be restful, not overwhelming." We got out of bed and in a brief moment of wisdom, I packed three glistening Dove chocolates in my lunch.

My work day was not shaping up to be much better than the previous three days (I feel like I should note that much of what makes work hard is that it is not where I want to be and as such, there are a lot of aspects that are frustrating). At lunch, I called Paul to vent and had a very super-sized pity party about work annoyances and my lingering uneasiness of life being very unknown. After my pity party I grabbed one of my wonderfully medicinal chocolates and decided I needed to have my quiet time from this morning. Oh, the wonderful tools the Lord uses to speak to me:

THEN, I read Psalm 22 (verses 1-5 and 14-15 really stood out to me):

My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?

Why are you so far from saving me, 

so far from the words of my groaning?

O my God, I cry out by day, but you do not answer,

by night, and am not silent.

You are enthroned as the Holy One;

you are the praise of Israel.

In you our fathers put their trust;

they trusted and you delivered them.

They cried to you and were saved;

in you they trusted and were not disappointed.

****

I am poured out like water,

and all my bones are out of joint.

My heart had turned to wax;

it has melted away within me.

My strength is dried up like a potsherd,

and my tongue sticks to the roof of my mouth;

you lay me in the dust of death.

This is right where my heart has been and in this moment-following my self-centered pity party and general poor attitude,-here at this perfect time, when I needed to hear from my Lord, He spoke.

Lord, you ARE here, THIS is for a purpose (every day, every conversation, every heartbreak, every trial)...and it's even dipped in chocolate!

Strong and Courageous?!

A few months ago, I picked up the little book at the christian bookstore called "the little book of HOPE". This tiny book is packed full of amazing truth from scripture--it's great! The chapter I have been reading for the last couple of days is entitled "Beyond Fear". Perhaps by design or sheer circumstance many of the verses noted and the quotes included use the phrase "strong and courageous." I'll be honest, as I noticed this trend I was a bit annoyed by it....Sure, Lord, it's easy to be strong and courageous when things are going our way but how can you tell me to be strong and courageous when things are tough and unfair and crushing?! How can you tell me to react like this when you have not gone through the situation I faced a few years ago, you didn't have that conversation with that family member last month, you don't understand what it's like to face the phone call I got a few weeks ago, you don't know what it's like to walk in my shoes and face this, that and the other....I kept on like this for a few minutes until I realized I was 100% wrong. Life can often feel like I'm walking uphill, like my walk is on display, the terrain is often irregular, or I just can't get my footing. But, He gets this because He walked this earth and faced hardship, struggle and even death. He gets it! (He might have created me with a good deal of spunk but sometimes it takes my spunk a little longer to connect all the dots.)

The passages and quotes weren't simply stating "Be strong and courageous, period." They give a way to be like this....

Joshua 1:9
"Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go." The Lord is with me, thus I can be strong and courageous...

Psalm 27:14
"Wait for the Lord; be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord." This is preceded by verses 4-5 which state: "The one thing I ask of the Lord--the thing I seek most--is to live in the house of the Lord all the days of my life, delighting in the Lord's perfections and meditating on his Temple. For he will conceal me there when troubles come; he will hide me in his sanctuary. He will place me out of reach on a high rock. Then I will hold my head high above my enemies who surround me." I'll return to the rock idea later but based on this, I can be strong because the Lord is going to place me on a rock away from enemies--even if I have to wait--he's coming!

Psalm 31:24
"Be strong and take heart, all you who hope in the Lord." What do I hope in? If I hope in the Lord then I can be strong!

Then, I was reading the One Year Bible and the Old Testament passage on 7/19 included 1 Chronicles 28:20.
"Be strong and courageous, and do the work. Do not be afraid or discouraged, for the Lord God, my God, is with you. He will not fail you or forsake you." (This was especially moving because I struggle a lot with not loving my job but knowing this is where the Lord is telling me to stay--"do the work.") I can be strong because God is with me and will not forsake me.

BUT--back to my tirade from earlier--what's a girl to do when she doesn't feel strong or courageous? Charles Spurgeon says it better that I can articulate: "God is too good to be unkind. He is too wise to be confused. If I cannot trace his hand, I can always trust his heart." So what is a girl to do? Trust His heart! Because I have trusted Christ as my savior, I can stand on His word--all of it. As my friend eloquently described it "scripture is not a buffet--it's either all true or none of it is." I am firmly planted in the camp that every word of scripture is true.

Thus, I can trust every word including Psalm 23:6
"Surely goodness and love will follow me all the days of my life, and I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever."

So I'm dwelling in the house of the Lord and trusting that goodness and love are following me, right? I'm waiting on the Lord and doing the work. But I still have times when I feel weak and fearful--what am I missing?! Psalm 40 paints such an awesome picture of the piece I often miss...I have clung to this psalm for years through various events and trials. Each time I return to it, it provides more than the last time....

I waited patiently for the Lord to help me,

and he turned to me and heard my cry.

He lifted me out of the pit of despair, 

out of the mud and the mire. 

He set my feet on solid ground and steadied me as I walked along.

He has given me a new song to sing,

a hymn of praise to our God.

Many will see what he has done and be amazed. 

They will put their trust in the Lord.

Oh, the joys of those who trust the Lord, 

who have no confidence in the proud or in those who worship idols.

O Lord my God, you have performed many wonders for us. 

Your plans for us are too numerous to list.

You have no equal.

If I tried to recite all your wonderful deeds, I would never come to the end of them.

You take no delight in sacrifices or offerings.

Now that you have made me listen, I finally understand--

you don't require burnt offerings or sin offerings. 

Then I said, "Look, I have come. As it is written about me in scripture:

I take joy in doing your will, my God, for your instructions are written on my heart."

I have told all your people about your justice. 

I have not been afraid to speak out, as you, O Lord, well know.

I have not kept the good news of your justice hidden in my heart; 

I have talked about your faithfulness and saving power.

I have told everyone in the great assembly of your unfailing love and faithfulness.

Lord, don't hold back your tender mercies from me.

Let your unfailing love and faithfulness always protect me.

For troubles surround me--too many to count!

My sins pile up so high I can't see my way out. 

They outnumber the hairs on my head. 

I have lost all courage.

Please, Lord, rescue me! Come quickly, Lord and help me.

May those who try to destroy me be humiliated and put to shame. 

May those who delight in my trouble be turned back in disgrace.

Let them be horrified by their shame, for they said, "Aha! We've got him now!"

But may all who search for you be filled with joy and gladness in you.

May those who love your salvation repeatedly shout, "The Lord is great!"

As for me, since I am poor and needy, let the Lord keep me in his thoughts.

You are my helper and my savior.

O my God, do not delay.

Oh my goodness, there is so much in these 17 verses....He lifts me out of the mud and mire. He gives me a firm place to stand (remember Psalm 27 above, same idea, different words--He will place me out of reach on a high rock). Then, the psalmist states "I have lost all courage" yet he ends with "you are my helper and my savior. O my God, do not delay." The psalmist didn't just become courageous a few verses after saying he had lost it. He was pleading with the Lord to provide this for him; asking him not to delay and surrendering to his Lord being his helper. There it is--more dots being connected...

The phrase "strong and courageous" doesn't mean being Super Man (ok, Wonder Woman) everyday or maintaining a Polly Anna facade regardless of the circumstances of life. Strength and courage are provided by the Lord not by me (phew!). I access them by asking my God to not delay, shedding my superhero mask and Polly Anna smile, and praying realistically about where I am in the moment. Out of the mud and the mire will come the ROCK His word assures me will come! I can go uphill, sideways and upside down. I can be on display and have the terrain change in an instant. Even when my enemies surround me, I will be given strength and courage through my helper, my Savior....my ROCK!

Lessons from my herbs

          

    

  

I was recently given three adorable pots for my patio....one contained basil, the next oregano and the last one rosemary. I definitely do not have a green thumb and manage to kill most plants shortly after receiving them--but not this time. This time, I'm going to invest the time and learn what these plants need so I can keep them alive and reap the benefits of their growth--cooking with fresh herbs!!

When I received these 3 plants they had recently been transplanted to their new homes in my pots. Thus, I was instructed that they needed a bit more TLC at the beginning because they were getting established. So I have checked them daily to make sure they are still moist--not wet--and watered them accordingly. And I have paid enough attention that I can see they are growing and appear to be doing well. So I got brave the other night and decided I wanted fresh herbs. So out to the patio I went with the scissors. A little trim here, cut a sprig there, smell the fragrance and trim a little more. At first I was worried it was too soon since they were getting established but their sweet smell put me over the top so I had to use them!! Even though I had done very little to help these three little plants grow thus far, there was a real sense of accomplishment as I finished cooking with herbs grown on my patio. I was relaying my triumph to one of the sweet friends who gave me my herbs and she said "Oh, good! You need to use them! The more you prune them, the more they grow." I was telling this to Paul and we both looked at each other as the same thought occurred to us simultaneously...

"Why are we surprised when we are pruned by God?" Like the herbs, when we are pruned our faith is increased and we grow closer to the Lord. Unless we are dealing with mandrake plants from Hogwarts (you can blame my husband for bringing out my inner nerd), the plants don't scream in protest as they are pruned. Rather, they are there offering the fruits of their vines for the taking. When I used the fresh herbs, my recipes were yummier than if I had used dried ones. Life is also "yummier" when the Lord trims a little here and snips a bit there; we are exposed to things we never would have seen before and experience things outside of ourselves. The pruning puts the produced fruit to use and allows new growth--growth that CAN'T happen without the pruning. As much as the pruning might hurt me in the moment, the growth and lessons learned require the discomfort.

Luckily for me, the herbs I was given enjoy full sun and really do better with less water rather than more--this is where they THRIVE. Some herbs prefer the shade and a wet environment--this is where they THRIVE. If I take one that likes dry and over water it, it will drown--no fruit. If one that likes water never receives any it chokes--no fruit. BUT, when I give each what they need and create an environment suited to their characteristics, they THRIVE. I don't know about you but sometimes (ahem, all the time) I find myself looking at others thinking 'I couldn't handle that situation' or 'I wish that was all I had to handle' or I am simply annoyed because they aren't going through what I am going through. Looking at my herbs taught me something--perhaps that other person needs the heat while I need the moisture and shade or vice versa. Maybe I'd drown if given that much and they'd choke without exactly what they've been given. Unlike the herbs, I think we thrive under different circumstances at different times in our lives and the wonderful thing is that God knows exactly what I need. He also knows what is going to cause me to drown, choke and THRIVE at any given moment. As the seasons change, I will have to move my herbs to the dining room table because they are not suited to freezing temperatures. As the seasons change in my life, the Lord changes how he provides his love to me. It's always there, it's simply delivered in exactly the way I need it in that season.

I did not want to have this epiphany at first because if this is true (and I believe it is) then this means that through the Lord, I have everything I need to THRIVE in my current situation. As the variables change, He is the one thing that never will. Did you catch that? Through the Lord, I have everything I need to THRIVE in my current situation. This is really hard to swallow when you don't like all aspects of the current situation, but to me it is also encouraging that as He prunes me, I'm going to grow. Growth is movement forward and that is a step closer to the Lord and thus, a step closer to the dreams he has placed in my heart.

Wow....all of this from herbs! I'll leave you with the words of Christ:

"I am the true vine, and my Father is the gardener. 

He cuts off every branch in me that bears no fruit, 

while every branch that does bear fruit he prunes so that it will be even more fruitful. 

You are already clean because of the word I have spoken to you. 

Remain in me and I will remain in you. 

No branch can bear fruit by itself; it must remain in the vine. 

Neither can you bear fruit unless you remain in me.

I am the vine; you are the branches. If a man remains in me and I in him,

he will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing. 

If anyone does not remain in me, he is like a branch that is thrown away and withers;

such branches are picked up, thrown into the fire and burned.

If you remain in me and my words remain in you, ask whatever you wish, 

and it will be given you. This is to my Father's glory, that you bear much fruit,

showing yourselves to be my disciples."

John 15:1-8

"Music is what feelings sound like." --Unknown

Music is an amazing thing to me...I can hear a song and be transported back to high school instantly....or feel like I'm in the middle of the gym if that song is on my workout playlist....or be immediately back to the day I said "I do"....a good song on the radio can lift my mood and give me a new outlook....and it can also be the tool through which God speaks to my heart. Of all the things music can do, this is by far my favorite.

"Those who danced were thought to be quite insane by those who could not hear the music."

Angela Monet

Before I was a believer, I couldn't hear the music from the Holy Spirit--and admittedly thought that those people who "heard the Lord" speak to them were a little nutty! Oh, the sense of humor our Lord has since I probably say daily "that's what the Lord is telling me." Now that I am a believer, I GET IT!  On the surface is what everyone hears--but underneath is the gentle, steadfast, unwavering message from above! 

Lately, music has become the way I hear the Lord most clearly.....I start my car and the perfect song is playing. I hit shuffle on iTunes and songs play in a wonderfully powerful order. I go to choir practice and we start working on a song I was just moved by on the radio. I show up Sunday morning and the songs we offer in praise could have come directly from my thoughts. I found some fantastic quotes about music that further illustrate its power...

"Words make you think a thought. 

Music makes you feel a feeling. 

A song makes you feel a thought."

E.Y. Harburg

"Music speaks what cannot be expressed, soothes the mind and give rest, 

heals the heart and makes it whole, flows from Heaven to the Soul." 

Unknown

"Music expresses that which cannot be put into words and cannot remain silent."

Victor Hugo

And it gets better....songs that speak to me and my circumstance can speak to you too about YOUR circumstance!! How amazing is our wonderful Creator that He can make things so universally specific (I'm aware that 'universally specific' is dangerously close to an oxymoron but I promise in this case it's the only way to describe my God)!! One of my favorite songs these days is "Blessings" by Laura Story. I heard on the radio the other day that Laura wrote this song after her husband received a cancer diagnosis. As I am sitting typing this, a friend posted a YouTube video of that song on Facebook and mentioned how it moves her to tears each time she hears it. Within minutes, her post was flooded with comments of people stating how it has touched them as well. No one needed to mention exactly how or why it touched them; just that it had. This illustrates the universally specific nature of God so perfectly. Everyone received their own gentle, steadfast, unwavering message from above!

For days now, I have been listening to one playlist incessantly. It's titled "HOPE" because that is the message the Lord spoke to me through each song...

HOPE playlist

(links to YouTube video or lyrics as available)

1. Blessings, Laura Story
2. Stronger, Mandisa
3. Your Great Name, Natalie Grant (there's also a choral arrangement I couldn't find)
4. This Road, Ginny Owens
5. Glorious Day, Casting Crowns
6. Better Than A Hallelujah, Amy Grant
7. Arms of Love (2010 Version), Amy Grant
8. I Will Lift My Eyes, Bebo Norman
9. Trust and Obey, Big Daddy Weave
10. You are Loved, Josh Groban
11. He'll Take Care of the Rest, Keith Green
12. Washed by the Water, Needtobreathe
13. Out of My Hands, Matthew West
14. Spring is Coming, Stephen Curtis Chapman
15. Every Season, Nichole Nordeman