Ladybugs and Blades of Grass...

We went on a walk today so the girls could ride their bikes and we saw this beautiful ladybug. When I tried to take a picture, the wind blew and one blade of grass perfectly positioned itself in front of what I was trying to capture. Immediately I realized what an accurate description that was for how I have been feeling.

Total honesty, the last few days have felt super heavy and just hard. Everyone in my house is feeling it: tears over having to wait, desperately wanting space away from siblings, uncertainty of how long this insanity will last, a deep desire to connect with friends in person.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m so grateful for Zoom, Facetime, texting, and phone calls AND this is still hard. We have just been in a funk, trying to focus on beauty and also feeling like blades of grass keep getting in the way!

The ladybug is still there....and so are the blades of grass. I can see ways God is providing and moving; daily there are gifts of family time we have not experienced in a very long time; creativity is being sparked in new ways for all of us; there is a whole new realization that I really do love our house; and there are ample photos on my phone I can and do post alongside #todayIamGratefulfor

And it also feels like everyday is just a blob of time. Paul is home so it seems odd to set an alarm which starts my day off differently than it used to; jammies are the uniform which I kind of love and is also a reminder that, again, there is no where to go; everyone needs to eat all. the. time. As one of my girls said today "This is hard even though we aren't missing our school." She hit on such a poignant point without even realizing it: this season is different hard for everyone. 

Our mental health journey over the last year led me to discover the wonderful resource of Mental Health Grace Alliance. Their blog, free downloads, and Thrive Workbook truly are gifts!! One of the things their workbook discusses is the idea of balanced thinking. Allow me to explain it using my illustration from our walk. Positive thinking is not inherently bad but can often ignore or minimize the very real "blades of grass" in our lives. Negative thinking may have a place but again often discounts that there are any ladybugs at all. Balanced thinking recognizes the blades of grass, leaves room for the impact of them, all the while recognizing that ladybugs are there and are beautiful.

Admittedly, today has been a negative thinking kind of day. It seemed like my efforts to balance my thinking were just falling flat. And then God gave me a gift that allowed me to inhale and breathe a sigh of rest tonight. During a text conversation with a dear friend, I was able to share some encouragement I received many months ago and it spoke to her heart. And more than that, being able to share reminded me of the same truth and filled a need I hadn't even realized I'd had tonight.

The words "comfort those as you have been comforted" came to mind. I could pretend and say that I immediately knew the reference but I googled it. The search took me to 2 Corinthians 1:3-6

3 Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, 

the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, 

4 who comforts us in all our affliction, so that we may be able to comfort 

those who are in any affliction, with the comfort with 

which we ourselves are comforted by God. 

5 For as we share abundantly in Christ's sufferings, 

so through Christ we share abundantly in comfort too. 

6 If we are afflicted, it is for your comfort and salvation; 

and if we are comforted, it is for your comfort, 

which you experience when you patiently endure the same sufferings that we suffer.

This passage makes it clear, every day won't be daisies and sunshine. There will be grass in front of the ladybugs. And it also makes a few other very important things clear, too.

One, that God provides our comfort as the Father of mercies and the God of all comfort. As much as I hate to admit it, my true comfort is not in my chocolate (that I may or may not be eating as I type), or in my shopping trips, or in my ability to go to the park, or in my attempts to fill every moment of my day. True comfort comes from God, from learning more about who He is. 

Two, He comforts us with a purpose bigger than ourselves. Look at verse 4 above: "who comforts us in all our affliction, so that we may be able to comfort those who are in any affliction." God loves me more than I will ever understand because Jesus went to the cross to cover my sins (and your sins, and the sins of the world). Out of that love, He lavishes His comfort upon me when I am struggling. And also out of that love, I am called to comfort others in the way I have been comforted: Jesus. 

Three, I don't have to have walked the same road as someone to comfort them. Again, look at verse 4: "....to comfort those who are in any affliction...." It doesn't say in the same affliction. It is such a blessing to have those friends who truly get me. To be able to say a few words or briefly explain my feelings and have them nod from a place a having walked those same steps before. AND what a testimony to the universality and also personal nature of Jesus when I can sit with a friend who is walking a road I haven't walked and be able to validate and affirm their feelings, encourage them with truth, and sit with them in the hard places. 

So if things feel hard for you today, as I have heard from more than one friend, you are not alone. And if you are seeing the beauty in the little things, as I have heard from more than one friend, you are also not alone. And if you feel like you are trying to see the ladybugs but the grass keeps getting in the way, you are most definitely not alone.

Grab the chocolate, text a friend, make a cup of tea, find a cozy blanket and open your bible. Don't know where to start, pick a Psalm or start in Matthew. Read a verse and then read it again. Feel the freedom to tell God about your hard day, about what you would like to be different, about the grass that is staying in the way. He can take it all...and then he comforts. That doesn't mean that we will wake up and this will all have been a big April Fool's joke (a theory from one of my girls). But it means that this can be hard and okay at the same time. 

But I looked EVERYwhere....

"But I caaaaan't find it! I looked EVERYwhere and it's not there!"

"Did you look on the dresser like I asked you to?"

"Well....no. But I looked EVERYwhere else! Why is it so hard to find?!"

"Go look on the dresser."

"It's here!?! Man that was a lot of work to find!"  

Tell me it isn't just my house?! Eyes sweeping a room, breathing faster to give the facade of speed, emotions in hyperdrive....all in an attempt to locate the latest treasure (no doubt worth $0.02 or less) or whatever item I need them to retrieve for me. Once said item is found, peace is restored, celebration occurs, and there's this congratulatory exhale of having survived the plight. Wash, rinse, repeat. In a house with four daughters, this scene can happen multiple times a day. Insert eye-roll emoji here. 

And if I'm honest, I have been known to take my whole house apart looking for one missing game piece or accessory that I know has not walked down the street. What in the world would my day look like without all the looking?! Ah, I digress...

Back to my question at the top...."Did you look on the dresser like I asked you to?"
And the response...."Well....no. But I looked EVERYwhere else! Why is it so hard to find?!"

The truth is, it wasn't hard to find had the looking started in the place I directed. And these tiny hearts want credit for all the energy and perseverance it took to find it. Hmmmmmm.....sound like wandering in the dessert for 40 years?!

How often does my not so tiny heart want the same thing? How often do I approach God this way? How often has he been clear with His desire for me--either from His Word as applied to all believers, or specifically telling me where to step?!

"Find your fulfillment in ME", the Lord says.

Hmmmm....why aren't my husband and kids satisfying me?!?
Hmmmm....I marked everything off my to-do list and just wasn't time for scripture. Why do I feel distance from God?
Hmmmm....I am doing all the things at church and serving in all the ways but never slow down enough to be transformed by the Word?! Why isn't checking all the boxes enough?
Hmmmm....I feel God pulling me to do something outside of the box but it isn't what most people are doing around me so I'm staying in the box. Why does this feel so hard?!

I come in prayer wanting to hear "Well done good and faithful servant", armed with the words "See Lord, it still isn't working." Please hear my heart: the above (and oh, so many more) are in no way pointing a finger; I have asked all of the above either out loud or in my heart. And I have a suspicion that I'm not alone in that boat.

And while God scoops me up in all His merciful grace, did I look in the one place he told me look?! Did I step the way He was guiding? Did I follow through when he prompted me to talk to that person, send that text, or buy their lunch? The truth is they were never supposed to satisfy, scripture was meant to be a priority, checking boxes is never the goal, and obedience is always the right option.

There is a lot of noise pulling me to look EVERYwhere other than at the Lord. Noise that distracts me more than I care to admit. And in my heart, I still often want bonus points for all the time I spend doing the hard work of looking elsewhere; the hard work of making "good" off my list.

What a gift there is in a God who is always sitting, waiting on me to tune out the noise, stop looking in all the places, and simply look where He told me look!