Working against me?

There is a Chris Tomlin song from several years ago called "And If Our God is For Us". Part of the chorus says:

And if Our God is for us, then who could ever stop us

And if our God is with us, then what can stand against?

Then what can stand against?

I have found myself saying a phrase to my family quite often: "Why is everyone working against me?!" 

There are days I think they have held a secret meeting....the discussion must look something like this:

• "Ok, every item my wife needs out, I'm going to move, put away, or find a new home. And these items she is all done with, I'm going to leave strewn about."
• "My job will be to follow her around and undo what she has just completed."
• "If I see mom cleaning, I'm going to make a mess in another room."
• "I'm going to be super sensitive and emotional all. day. long. as soon as mom asks me to do something."
• "I'm not going to need to go potty until mom puts the van in reverse."
• "Let's hide all our shoes so we can't find them when she asks us to." 
• "I'm curious about 478,927 things and today is the day I'm asking all the questions."
• "My answer today will be the whiniest 'no' I can muster, even if I really want to say yes...it will be preceded by 'no' first."
• "Your mother didn't create a junk bin so let's just create one for all these items that don't appear to have a home." 
• "As soon as mommy puts the last load in the dryer, everyone has an accident, gets dirty, or spills something." 

We had our first three babies in three years. It wasn't what I would call easy to have a three year old, an almost two year old, and a newborn BUT there was seemingly less plotting (ha!) and logistically it felt easier then than some days do now...independence and opinions can often feel stacked against me. 

But then these lyrics above echo in my head and the words of Romans 8:31: "What then shall we say to these things? If God is for us, who can be against us?" Just before this verse, it talks about the Holy Spirit helping us in our weakness, God working things together for good for those he has called, justified, and glorified. 

Does this mean that because I love the Lord I won't have hard days? Nope. Not at all. There is a very real enemy out to devour those who claim Jesus is Lord (1 Peter 5:8). And we live in a fallen world (Genesis 3); the impact of sin on this world touches each of us, daily.  

Does this mean that every day is going to be champagne and roses...or unicorns and butterflies? Nope. Because kids are people, husbands are people, and I am a person. We are all flesh and fall short of the glory of God (Romans 3:21-23). And we all behave out of that flesh sometimes. 

So what does this mean? For me, it means trying to shift my perspective. The enemy is prowling around...but Jesus defeated death. The impact of sin touches me daily, but so does the redemption ushered in by the cross. The enemy is not my husband or my kids. The enemy is standing against God--not me. 

So on days when it feels like everything is crumbling and nothing is going right, maybe it is because I am taking Satan's attacks against God on myself? Maybe I am taking my frustration with the Devil out on my family? 

And maybe, I am not yielding to the prompting of God to see things differently: 

• "I'm not sure what things your mom needs, but I'm trying to be helpful."
• "I wanna play with mommy--she does laundry a lot, maybe it is her favorite game."
• "Mom is busy, I'll entertain myself."
• "I was trying hard to obey but I do have to go potty."
• "God is awesome and I wanna know everything about all the things He made."
• "I just want a hug. I'm little but life is hard."
• "Let's try to not to leave anything for mommy to do."
• "This game is so fun, I missed the cues that I needed to go potty."
• "We love mom so much, let's plan a surprise for her."

Giant mess or creative play so I can cook?! Perspective shift.

A word or two...

I'm not one who usually makes New Year's Resolutions. But, for the last several years, I have enjoyed choosing a word on which to focus throughout the year. My word for 2019 was embrace. I had such hope for this word as the year began and somewhere along the way it kind of got lost in the mix. When I found it again, I felt like I had failed at embracing anything that year.

2019 was hard. I've shared in previous posts how we welcomed our fourth baby girl in December 2018 and postpartum depression came along for the ride. Our marriage was tested more than ever before. Friendships changed. Misapplied Truth was muddled with actual, scriptural Truth (this is beyond confusing). Beliefs were challenged. Counseling was hard. Utilizing new tools was harder. Unadulterated Truth was revealed (amen!!). Ultimately, by God's grace and provision, the year ended more triumphantly than we could have ever anticipated (with plenty of work still being done). Did I embrace the journey? Hmmm...by definition, embrace means "an act of accepting or supporting something willingly or enthusiastically." I'd have to say no, I definitely did not embrace our 2019 journey. But I didn't give up; we persevered. We dug in, worked hard, worked together, and learned things about God we wouldn't have learned otherwise. Embraced? Nope. Overcome? Absolutely!

This battle with postpartum depression was ushered in with the birth of our sweet Nora June. When we settled on June being Nora's middle name, it sounded right and I knew it was her name but I couldn't figure out why. All our other girls have a family or sentimental element to their names but not this one. It wasn't until after her arrival, in the midst of our some of our hardest months, that God showed me why it was her name. Nora means honor, light. June can mean young as well as protector of women and marriage. Did you catch that (because I needed God to repeat it for me)!? Protector of woman and marriage. Whether I enthusiastically embraced the journey or not, the journey was meant to protect not destroy; to bring honor and light. 

That was 2019. This is 2020 (anyone else hear Barbara Walters?!). Lord, what focus do you have for me this year? Initially, I kept landing on the word rest. If I am being completely honest, I was both excited about this and annoyed all the same. "Rest?! Really?! I've tried to get a restful bubble bath and the bathroom becomes Grand Central Station every. single. time. Really, Lord?! And also, please show me because mama is tired." Rest. hmmm. 

As I sat with this, I kept hearing bloom? 

Blooming? 

Blooming Rest. 

Blooming Rest? 

This sounded impossible. 

Until I realized that flowers bloom from a place of rest. 

No striving. 

No running. 

Buried, actually. 

And having to be completely undone in order to bloom.  

There are things I feel God is asking me to develop, cultivate, and grow this year. And in order to do so, I need to rest in Him; His word (rather than perpetually moving it to tomorrow). Blooming Rest, much like Nora's name, now makes complete sense to me.  

Power's out....

Several days ago, on a rainy afternoon, we got home and within about 10 minutes, the power went out. I was thankful we had gotten home and in the garage out of the rain before this happened. I had a to-do list we were all going to work to complete together but it most definitely required being able to see. We gathered the few flashlights we had and I called the number to report the outage. "There are approximately 1000 people currently without power. Your power should be fully restored by 2:30." Not what I had planned but less than 2 hours of no power was not a major deal; I shifted my list in my head and adjusted my plan.

And then my chicks started to chime in....

"Ummmm...this is kind of scary."

"I wish we lived at her house where the lights can turn on!!"

"How long has it been?! Is it almost on?!"

"Girls, there are people working hard to get it fixed for us and the 1000 other people without power. There is nothing we can do about it. You can still do most everything you were planning to do."

Soon they had decided to be performers, using the flashlights as the spotlights and I heard giggles and laughs coming from their room.

And then, a short 20 minutes later, the power was BACK! Much faster than anticipated, our power had been restored! And then I heard...

"Wait what?!! The lights came on!!"

"Oh man! Now we can't be performers!"

"Let's just turn the lights off and keep playing in the dark!!"

I caught my face in my hands and chuckled at how silly they were--frustrated because they couldn't turn on the lights and then frustrated that the power was back. And then it hit me: what an accurate picture of ME! Don’t I tend to want what I can’t have?! How often am I frustrated because, in my estimation, God isn't providing or acting swiftly enough?! Or when He does act, it isn't how I thought he would (ie: it isn’t the way I “dress-rehearsaled” the details in my head) so I stomp my feet (be it literally or in my heart)!? 

Lord, you know my desire to be married, please show me who you have for me?! 

Ok, wait, this marriage thing is haaaard and it often seems like we aren't speaking the same language. This is what I asked for and now I'd like to keep complaining, please. 

Oh Lord, we want to be parents. Our hearts ache to have a baby. 

Wait, what?! I love these kiddos fiercely and this season of behavioral struggles was not on my radar. Can we have an easier season please?!!  

Lord, you know the financial struggles we are having. Please show us a way to a new job. 

Hmmmm. A layoff, Lord?! I was hoping for a promotion instead. Are you sure this was what you meant?

It reminds me of a zoo trip several years ago. We were watching the elephants and noticed one along the edge of his enclosure with his head pressed up against the fence. Honestly, it looked like he had put himself in timeout. As we got closer I realized that his head was pressed up against the fence because he was reaching through the slats with his trunk to eat the grass on the other side. Despite standing in a rather large patch of grass that could easily be reached, he quite literally was playing out the saying "The grass is always greener on the other side".

The bible has examples of people operating in this same mindset:

Adam and Eve were given all that they could ever need in the garden. God's love and provision lavished over them in spades yet they were so easily tempted by the one tree they were told not to eat from (Genesis 3:1-7).

Despite having been freed from Egypt, the Israelites determined Moses had been gone too long and implored Aaron to make them a god to worship (Exodus 32).

I tend to think "this would be easier if....", "once we get through this, the dust will settle and it will be easier", "God isn't going to leave it like this forever..." “If only we still had xyz like we had before…” Sometimes these thoughts are accurate but often, the only thing they achieve is moving my focus off of where Jesus has me now. There ARE very hard seasons. There ARE real struggles and challenges that leave us exhausted from the work required to navigate them. And knowing Jesus doesn't exempt me from the hard. It does mean, however, that I am not alone in the hard and that there is purpose in the hard.  

Believe me, often I would rather be like my girls and complain whether the lights are on or off. A lot of the time, I am the elephant standing in plenty of grass longing for the grass someone else has. And I have also learned, as much as I don’t want to admit it, that the hard things I have walked have been what was necessary for God to show me my weaknesses by revealing His strengths

I also tend to get focused on what God has done or what He will do. But taking in, processing, and embracing what He is doing now is admittedly harder for me. The grass will be greener when we get through this mentality. But wouldn't I value that greener grass more if I truly embraced who God is and what He is doing even while the grass is withered?

We are packing up Christmas and I was struck by this nativity I have been looking at since before Thanksgiving. No matter how many times it was arranged, by the end of the day, it looked like this:

"Everyone is looking at Jesus!"

When I asked, my four-year-old said "I did it! Because everyone would be looking at Jesus, Mom!" What a profound and simple answer! Jesus died as payment for my sins. Lights on or lights off, green grass or withered grass, keep looking at Jesus.