Hold Me Jesus

Surrender don’t come natural to me

I’d rather fight you for something I don’t really want

Than to take what you give that I need

(Hold Me Jesus, Big Daddy Weave)

Yup, these lyrics pretty much sum up my walk with the Lord. While He created me spunky, I also came with my fair share of stubbornness (and perhaps someone else's fair share, too). Paul and I were laying in bed praying the other night and I said "Lord, you are taking away what makes me comfortable and I don't like it...I know it's for my growth and to help me but I don't like it." I figured He already knew I was thinking it so I might as well just put it out there, right? Let me explain the basis for this candid prayer...

Since about early May I have felt this underlying feeling of being overwhelmed (having been treated in the past for an anxiety disorder, this is something I am very familiar with). Life is seemingly good but I can't shake this feeling of something being "off". I sat down one day and just started to think about the past few years. As I sketched out a timeline I realized that a lot of STUFF has happened and the perfectionist in my has always had a hard time stopping and sitting and just taking it all in...

5/06 received Master's degree/got job
1/07 promoted
6/07 took over marketing at work
9/07 suffered first panic attack
11/07 started dating who I thought was "the one"
11/07 lost our sweet Audrey
3/08 broke up with the wrong one
9/08 joined a new church
11/08 got baptized
1/09 started working our with a trainer
10/09 QUIT my job with nothing on the horizon
11/09 Lost 30 pounds to date!! Joined HP Choir
12/09 Met Paul and got engaged in 20 days; cold turkey on anxiety meds
1/10 started nanny job (50+ hrs/wk)
3/10 wedding
5/10 overwhelmed undertones

Ok, so if I saw this list written by anyone else my response would be "Of course you are feeling overwhelmed--that's a lot of life in a relatively short amount of time!" But because I know that this is my timeline, I somehow feel like I should handle it all better. That it's ridiculous when tight finances, exhaustion, dishes, laundry and the tasks of life are a lot to take. But what lessons have I been missing because I haven't taken the time to be still before the Lord and process....to lay beside still waters...to hear His triumphant whisper in the chaos?!

I went to my cousin's baby dedication this morning (Henry Augustus Rener) at their church. The pastor was talking about Hebrews 10:19-25 and concluded the sermon saying, "You will be encouraged to the degree you share your heart with those around you." This was a very profound statement to me because often I feel like what is going on in my own head is too much for me to share...sometimes Satan's lies cloud our abilities to access the truth within us--the only way we uncover that truth is when other's speak it to us.

--RMN