Tempering the Tantrums

Not every experience I have had in my life is one I have embraced with open arms. In fact, I'd say that through many of them I've looked more like a spoiled child not getting her way and pitching a fit in protest...and the tantrums are so very attractive, too! How comforting it is to find this passage:

"'Father, if you are willing, take this cup from me; yet not my will, but yours be done.' An angel from Heaven appeared to him and strengthened him. And being in anguish, he prayed more earnestly, and his sweat was like drops of blood falling to the ground." 

Luke 22:42-44

Jesus wasn't wild about his impending experience either. He begged and agonized so much he was sweating blood. I have been distraught over things before but never so much that I was sweating blood! And, he was honest with God about not wanting the cup...his anguish was not hidden--it was raw and real and honest...of course he followed this was with a comment I can say, but my heart still needs some work to believe "yet not my will, but yours be done." My heart is still working on learning this lesson despite the words of Psalm 94:22:

"But the Lord has become my fortress and my God, the rock in whom I take refuge."

No matter what He asks me to walk through--good, bad, hard, easy, fun, boring...He is my refuge. Makes me think of the forts we built as kids made out of couch cushions and sheets. We actually believed that this "fortress" offered real protection--what I know as an adult is that the fortress the Lord provides is indestructible. Even when it feels like the enemy has knocked over all my couch cushions and stolen all my strong sheet roofs--God is my fortress and will always be my refuge. But sometimes he has to shake the things I have made my refuge so I come to him instead!

For Easter, our pastor has on his Facebook page a very profound quote from William Penn:

"No Pain, No Palms

No Thorns, no Throne

No Cross, no Crown."

As I sit looking at life, there are times I live in a pity party of one...and there are times I can't understand why I'm not getting what I want. And yet when I do receive what I want, everything comes into focus and makes sense--the waiting, the timing, the rationale. So why doesn't this stick so that next time I know and can go skipping through circumstances anticipating everything to come into focus? Because I am human and God never intended for me to be frolicking everyday into the plans of my life--it's in the times of waiting that I am brought much closer to my Lord and learn more about myself. A friend recently passed along a quote our pastor used in a sermon. The same quote, when googled, brings up countless sermons on waiting and patience: 

Second only to suffering, waiting may be the greatest teacher and trainer 

in godliness, maturity, and genuine spirituality most of us ever encounter.

If we were meant to go frolicking into every circumstance we come across, Christ would not have been pleading in anguish to have his cup be taken away. When he received the answer from the Father, he embraced it and walked into the situation knowing it had to be so, but the part that resonates with me is that my Savior knew the plans the Father had and struggled with accepting them. How often is that me? Laura Story's new song "Blessings" says it better than I ever could....

We pray for blessings
We pray for peace
Comfort for family, protection while we sleep
We pray for healing, for prosperity
We pray for Your mighty hand to ease our suffering
All the while, You hear each spoken need
Yet love us way too much to give us lesser things

Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights 
Are what it takes to know You’re near
What if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise

We pray for wisdom
Your voice to hear
And we cry in anger when we cannot feel You near
We doubt Your goodness, we doubt Your love
As if every promise from Your Word is not enough
All the while, You hear each desperate plea
And long that we'd have faith to believe

Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights 
Are what it takes to know You’re near
And what if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise

When friends betray us
When darkness seems to win
We know the pain reminds this heart
That this is not, this is not our home
It's not our home

Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
And what if a thousand sleepless nights 
Are what it takes to know You’re near
What if my greatest disappointments
Or the aching of this life
Is the revealing of a greater thirst this world can’t satisfy
And what if trials of this life
The rain, the storms, the hardest nights
Are Your mercies in disguise

Sometimes there are things we need to learn about or from God that require tears, storms and disappointment...but what I know in my head and try daily to know in my heart is that this world will never satisfy my deepest longing--to live in a world as it was intended to be with my Jesus! I don't wake up saying "bring on the trials Lord" but this knowledge does temper the tantrums a bit! 

Day 527: Happy 28th Birthday!!

Yesterday, 527 days from our first date, Paul spoiled me for my 28th birthday!! 

It was a fantastic weekend leading up to an awesome Monday!! 

I took the day off work and got a pampering pedicure and then we topped off the 

day with dinner at Bess Bistro (www.bessbistro.com). 

This is Sandra Bullock's Austin restaurant and may very well be my new favorite place to eat!!

 I got the jambalaya with crispy eggplant and Paul got bacon wrapped meatloaf.

Both were excellent and there are several other menu items I can't wait to try!!

The atmosphere in this place was so fun! 

Sandy knows what she's doing (so I don't really know her and thus 

shouldn't really feel comfortable calling her Sandy 

but the waiter did it so I'm gonna follow suit). 

And then they brought this....a brownie sitting atop raspberry and chocolate sauces,

paired with a scoop of cheesecake ice cream that was placed on top of slivered almonds

and garnished with fresh raspberries. This was totally worth the calories!! 

Clearly we didn't like it at all...and yes, I made a wish but I'm not telling what it was!

Since Paul was in the Navy once upon a time, I asked him for a Navy shirt a while back. 

It was one of my very sweet gifts from him--and one for himself, too!

We can't believe what the Lord has done in us and through us in 527 days! 

It's amazing to think what the next day might bring...or the next month...or the next 527 days!!

This is the day that the Lord hath made;

let us rejoice and be glad in it.

Psalm 118:24

Man's days are determined;

you have decreed the number of his months 

and have set limits he cannot exceed.

Job 14:5

Surely goodness and love will follow me all the days of my life, 

and I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever.

Psalm 23:6

Little Miss Perfect

Perfectionism (as defined by dictionary.com): 

a personal standard, attitude, or philosophy that 

demands perfection  and rejects anything less; 

the demand for the highest standard of excellence

A survey of my bookshelf would reveal many chick-lit books, some marriage books, the entire Harry Potter series (admittedly I married into this collection and have failed to read any of them...some day) and a couple of very telling books entitled "It All Comes Out in the Wash" and "The Relief of Imperfection". 

My mom got these last two for me a few years ago for Christmas at my request because, as I have confessed before, I am a perfectionist. So much so that these tendencies were in-part responsible for my battle with anxiety and depression a few years ago. Ironic that a perfectionist would deal with these things right? You know, because flaws would be the antithesis of perfection?!

Alas, these books speak to my desire to cast off the enemy of perfectionism and simply LIVE! From the outside it might not appear that I have come very far, but on the inside I can feel the triumphs and victories of not having to finish the laundry before going to bed, of leaving the house without the dishes done and not being in charge of, or even involved in, every event around me. I have come so far...correction...the Lord has brought me so far. 


I was having a conversation the other day about marriage...the question was asked of me, "when do you see you and Paul possibly getting a divorce?" 
"That's not an option." I responded.
"Well I know you are Little Miss Perfect but seriously don't you think that was a little naive?"


I took a deep breath before I started my response and then launched right in...
"It's not that we are immune from divorce but we both come from divorced families and talked about this before we got married. We have to keep the attitude that it's not option E or plan B or a last resort. If we do this, we limit the options we are willing to entertain. We also limit what Satan can convince us is a choice when things get tough--not if they get tough--but WHEN. The irony in this is that Satan is likely working harder to end our marriage because we love the Lord. And the only reason we know we have a hope of making it last is because we recognize our imperfection and we need Him to make this possible. 


A friend sharing recently about her marriage stated, "once you cross a line, it's easier and easier to keep crossing that line." This is so very true. It's like creating a habit (both good and bad)--once you eat a cookie, it's easier and easier to eat cookies 2 and 3. Once you get up in the morning to work out it's easier and easier to get up the next morning and work out. And once we allow Satan to convince us that this (marriage) is too much and not worth working for, it's easier to start thinking like this daily. BUT once we run to Jesus when life is hard, it's easier and easier (and becomes the only option) to run to him each time things get hard.


Another friend several months ago was resistant to the idea of coming to church because of all that "he had done." A friend told him that if he sat in the pew with all of us, he'd be among some of the biggest sinners there. He kind of scoffed at this in disbelief. Again the irony...faith in Christ is based on the realization of my imperfection and the need of a perfect Christ...and yet my faith appears to non-believers as perfection. The truth is that many believers, including myself, believe this too on some level. Sunday clothes are often fancier than Monday-Saturday clothes. If we're having a bad day we dry our tears in the parking lot, smile, and go into church as if life is great. We struggle to be real with other believers because "our sin is too much." Yet, when we are real and open our hearts to those around us we are met with comfort, acceptance and understanding. Jesus ate with sinners and prostitutes and today we still think we have to appear perfect in order to walk into His house of worship. 


Ladies and gentlemen, I am far from perfect and that is why I know certain things to be true...the most pressing of these being that God ordained my life--including my marriage--and he has big things planned that Satan can't wait to mess up. But because I'm not little miss perfect and Christ is Perfection--these things will be seen to fruition. I hope the reason non-believers sometimes see my faith as perfection is that they are seeing Christ living in me and he is reflecting HIS perfection...and I hope that one day I learn His perfection living in me is the only perfection I need!!

Bargain Basement Heaven?

There's a scene in "The Devil Wears Prada" where Miranda (Streep) is ranting and raving about the outfits for a layout and is looking at two belts that are seemingly the same. Andy (Hathaway) laughs under her breath because the belts look exactly the same. In response, Miranda goes on this tirade about fashion and how Andy is not above the very specific decisions made in that very room. She unleashes her fury on Andy about her cerulean sweater and says how this color was first debuted and then chosen by the people in the room and then it trickled down through the various levels of fashion to the "bargain basement" where Andy no doubt purchased it.  (Note that this poor synopsis does not do the scene justice....it simply helps illustrate my point.)

I often feel like our world is living with the bargain basement cerulean sweater version of Heaven....not the world-renowned-designer, high fashion, very purposeful cerulean color it was intended to be. This version is what is outlined in the bible but this is not the version I have always clung to. Unfortunately I have lived a long time clinging to my bargain basement version of Heaven...

A coworker came in the other day stating that she would be gone the rest of the week due to a death in the family. Knowing that few words would really help, I simply said "I'm so sorry. Let me know if you need anything." As we got more details we learned that this family member was a young mother survived by her husband and three small children. Another coworker came to offer his condolences and said "No matter the circumstances death is hard. Even though it's a part of life, it never seems to get easier." Sensing that this may not be the best time to jump on a soapbox I silently chatted with Jesus.

I told him that I used to think the same way--death is a part of life so embrace it (bargain basement mentality). While I grieved when friends lost a grandparent or when I lost my own grandparents, I rationalized that they each lived a full long life so it was ok. When we lost out sweet Audrey my world was shaken because she had not had a full long life like a grandparent or even an adult. I couldn't reconcile my rationale with the circumstances and slowly my opinion on the whole subject changed. As I reviewed scripture I started to see something: death shouldn't sit well with me no matter someone's age because it was never intended to be part of life (purposeful cerulean color in all it's glory).

"...but you must not eat from the tree of knowledge of good and evil, 

for when you eat of it you will surely die."

Genesis 2:17 

He takes time to make a clear distinction here that death will be the result of eating from that tree. If they were going to die anyway this would not have been the punishment for disobedience (if I was going to have a bedtime of 8pm everyday, my parents would not have told me "if you don't listen, you're going to bed at 8 tonight.") God continues in Genesis 3:19 when he outlines the curse that fell on man because Adam and Eve sinned. After speaking to the serpent and to Eve, He turns to Adam and says: 

"By the sweat of your brow you will eat your food 

until you return to the ground, since from it you were taken;

for dust you are and to dust you will return." 

Genesis 3:19

After warning them of the consequences, God follows through when he describes the curse placed on each guilty party. Clark's online commentary states: "It is evident from this that man would have been immortal had he never transgressed, and that this state of continual life and health depended on his obedience to his Maker." Death was not His intention, death was not his desire...death was the result of man not obeying his commands. 

Then I saw “a new heaven and a new earth,” 

for the first heaven and the first earth had passed away, and there was no longer any sea. 

I saw the Holy City, the new Jerusalem, coming down out of heaven from God, prepared as a bride beautifully dressed for her husband. 

And I heard a loud voice from the throne saying,

 “Look! God’s dwelling place is now among the people, and he will dwell with them. 

They will be his people, and God himself will be with them and be their God. 

He will wipe every tear from their eyes. 

There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain,

for the old order of things has passed away."

Revelation 21:1-4

Did you see verse 4?! "No more death!" How wonderful is that?! He's going to restore things to the way he intended them to be. AND, because we serve a gracious and redemptive God, those who love Him and die before his return get to rejoice with Him now--even before the New Jerusalem is a reality.

So while I am excited about the day when this New Jerusalem comes to fruition, it is right for death to not sit right me--it's a result of the fall like so many other things in our fallen world that rub me the wrong way. Please understand that I am not making this comment out of a holier-than-thou mentality. Like all others, I am sinner and need Christ to make me clean so I can rejoice with God in Heaven. But the Spirit of Christ living in me does not like the status quo to be enough--and this Spirit knows that accepting death as just part of life is the status quo...

Why did I take this vow of compromise?
Why did I try to keep it all inside?

So long status quo
I think I just let go
You make me want to be brave
The way it always was
Is no longer good enough
You make me want to be brave
Brave, brave

I've never known a fire that didn't begin with a flame
Every storm will start with just a drop of rain
But if you believe in me
That changes everything
So long, I'm gone

(for complete "Brave" lyrics, click here)

I'm trying to be brave and leave my bargain basement cerulean sweater behind so I can embrace all that the Lord intended...in all it's high-fashion purposeful glory!