Invade the Darkness, Replace the Noise

Since mid-October we have spent many mornings listening to Christmas music and enjoying pumpkin pancakes. I used to be one that was against anything Christmas until the day after Thanksgiving and slowly that has shifted. Sometimes, you just need to infuse a day with some Christmas joy! (*Note: I am still wholeheartedly against Christmas trees showing up in stores in July, but I digress.*) As of late, that has meant a plate full of pancakes, sticky syrup smiles, and a glimpse of the work God is doing. For much longer than I care to admit, finding consistent joy, tuning out the noise, and hearing the laughter has been an uphill battle.  Our last Christmas was marked with having an adorable newborn and the emotional trauma and struggle of postpartum depression (PPD). 

The last 11 months have included an emotional roller coaster, digging into hard emotional truths, working through the marital ramifications PPD brings, and taking three steps forward seemingly followed by taking two steps back. If you have never experienced anxiety, depression, antenatal depression, or postpartum depression it is not a club I want you to join. And if you have, I am sincerely sorry that you know the reality of this struggle. Despite having found a good combination of supplements to support my brain and mental health, there is additional, hard work to do; learning more effective coping skills, identifying triggers, establishing boundaries, sifting through emotional baggage, relearning when to trust my own filters, and learning to recognize when I'm going into the pit. A great friend, who unfortunately knows the struggle of anxiety all too well, said it beautifully to me:

"It's next to impossible to see clearly when you're in the pit. From my vantage point on the outside of the pit, I can see you in it, but I can also see everything on the surface. You can just see the dirt. It's not your filter. It's just your circumstance. Your filter works fine. But your filter can only filter out what it can actively see."

This was so encouraging to me and helped those two steps back feel a little less defeating. Okay, but back to the Christmas songs, remember?! Songs speak to me. Multiple times God has used songs to speak directly to my heart. This was no different. Every word of "The Singer" by David Phelps pierced through the darkness of the pit. It wasn't a magic button that fixed everything but it allowed some light to break through the cracks in the dirt. When there is a cloudy, gloomy day, logically I know that the sun is still there. Likewise, I know that regardless of my feelings, that often don't tell me the truth, God is the same as He has always been. When I feel distance, it isn't God who has moved. He is there when I'm in the pit, as I am climbing out, and when I am walking on solid ground again. 

Nothing invades the darkness quite like the sunrise...especially when seen from a plane.

Another line of this song shines brighter than the rest to me as well: "Replace the noise, with sweet harmony." A couple of weekends ago, I had the opportunity to meet my mom and sisters in New Orleans to celebrate my mom's 70th birthday. I landed a couple of hours before my family and it was a strange, yet profound time in the airport. I found myself uncomfortable with the lack of chaos. I literally could not figure out what I needed or wanted to do. Was I hungry? Was I thirsty? Did I need to go to the bathroom? Was I tired? Did I want to read? People-watch? The more I attempted to determine the answer, the harder and more anxious I became. Even without the noise of my chicks, there was the noise from my own mind filling the void. And oh, how much noise is there coming from every angle?!? Social media, magazines, well-meaning advice, unrealistic expectations....and in my experience with PPD, normal, everyday things become even more noise. As I sat in the airport reading, slowly the noise started to fade and the words of this song were almost tangible...."Replace the noise, with sweet harmony." 

Only One can invade darkness with light (even the darkness of a pit), only One can turn noise into harmony. The One that came to die for me, and you. Me in all my mess. You in yours. Me in all my shortcomings and struggles. You in yours. I don't know what this journey will look like tomorrow but I know Jesus will be the same tomorrow...and the beautiful music begins at His command....

The Singer, by David Phelps

The music began at His command

And the Singer drew his breath

The melody rose and dawned on the land

And pierced the emptiness

And from a barren and lonely place

Life began to spring

As on the stage of time and space

God threw back His head and began to sing

Let there be light

Invade the darkness

Fill up the void

Replace the noise

With sweet harmony

Let there be joy

And echoes of laughter

And the Singer sings on

And still writes the song of the redeemed

Though beautifully sung, the song went unheard

And darkness returned again

But God had a plan in the second verse

To win back the hearts of man

A star rose up in the eastern sky

That night in Bethlehem

And as the baby Jesus cried

God sang out His song and the angels joined in

Let there be light, invade the darkness

Fill up the void, replace the noise

With sweet harmony

And let there be joy, and echoes of laughter

And the Singer sings on and still writes the song Of the redeemed

And every time a soul receives that joyful Christmas song

He rises from His throne and all creation sings along

Let there be light, invade the darkness

Fill up the void, replace the noise

With sweet harmony

And let there be joy, and echoes of laughter

And the Singer sings on and still writes the song Of the redeemed

And the Singer sings on and still writes the song Of the redeemed

Let there be light let the darkness be shaken

Let there be light let the soul be awakened Of the redeemed