A picture worth 1000 feelings....

Facebook has a feature called "On this Day" where it shows you what you posted in the past, on this day. Today it showed me this picture:

One year ago, with a 3 year old, almost 22 month old, and a 3 week old, we went to HEB. When I look at this picture it is about so much more than conquering HEB with three kiddos so small. When I look at this picture I am filled with awe about what we can accomplish with God's help. Yes, it was a monumental trip to HEB; mom alone and three babies and every one of us made it home. The trip started in the bulk aisle with me saying "What do you want?" while glistening eyes stared at me with disbelief that I really was offering them anything. And it was the most beneficial $1.67 I've ever spent. The freshly baked tortilla samples came just about the time the snack bags ran out, and the Mexican cookie from the bakery got us through checkout.   And I'm fairly certain I jumped for joy when we got home with groceries that actually made a meal! HEB is a weekly trip for the Nixon Chicks now and has progressively contained fewer and fewer bribes. 

But more than all of that, when I look at this picture, a picture captioned "Conquering my Everest", I see something so much more. 

In 2007 I had my first panic attack. I was at work and reached for the computer mouse and couldn't grab it my hand was shaking so much. My chest got tight, I couldn't breathe, and I remember crying so hard yet no tears would come. I looked at a coworker with terror in my eyes and retreated to my office. This started my road with anxiety and depression. Throughout this battle, laundry and the grocery store were two of the significant triggers. So much so that I couldn't handle going to HEB because it was too big and busy and overwhelmed me instantly. I started shopping at the Randall's up the road from my apartment because it was smaller, less busy, and more manageable. Yet even so, I remember calling my mom in tears from the trash bag aisle. I couldn't calculate which option was a better deal and I had spent far too many minutes trying to figure it out on my own. Trash bags?!?! For whatever reason, the grocery store and laundry is how much of my anxiety manifested itself; just symptoms of the bigger issue. I remember the first time I went back to HEB and successfully shopped without incident. Just me, alone. Buying food for myself and not having to meal plan. What a triumphant day that was?! 

God brought me healing from anxiety and depression through medicine, counsel, and prayer. And I know it was Him because life has happened since and when overwhelming struggles have come, neither the anxiety nor the depression has returned. 

So when I saw this picture on FB today from 1 year ago, I was overcome with what our God can do! I had three babies ages 3 and under, went to HEB Plus (which is HUGE with everything from milk to clothing), and left feeling victorious not overwhelmed. Sure we had some bribes to assist but no amount of gummy bears, tortillas, or cookies has power against the schemes of the devil crippling minds and emotions with anxiety and depression. Only through the power of Jesus, and the tools He provides, is it possible. 

This picture shows me Jesus conquering my Everest for me. Not the Everest of flying solo with 3 kids for the first time, or the Everest of grocery shopping with 3 littles, but the Everest of having victory over Satan! And that....that fills me with so many emotions! 

When your JOY gets spilled....

JOY. joy. J-O-Y. Such a small word that has such BIG meaning. Joy differs from happiness. Happiness is based on happenings. Joy is something that remains despite circumstances. Joy is a fruit of the Spirit. Honestly, joy is one of the most powerful things I can think of on this planet...and sadly one of the things that, many times, has felt inaccessible to me. It's not that God has withheld it, or that it really wasn't available to me; it's just that I don't always tap into its full potential.

A recent staple in our home has become Joy essential oil. Lucy asked for some tonight and I went to get it. The bottle literally jumped out of my hand and hit the floor. Joy....everywhere; ironically not as wonderful as it sounds. With people over and curious eyes watching I held back my frustrated and disappointed tears. I poured what I could into a clean bottle and literally sat with a pipette trying to salvage all that I could from the floor. And even now, the joy soaked paper towels are in a baggie by my bed because I want to get every bit of use I can out of the half a bottle that was wasted.

Lucy and I have been working on attitudes a lot. We've been working on breathing and finding something good despite the situation (thank you, Daniel Tiger, for a song for this). And a major tool has been our Joy oil. One major hangup for her (and let's face it, for me, too) is when things don't go according to our own plan--we let Satan steal our joy. Instead of just being unhappy, all the while knowing that God's still got this, we bottom out because clearly the world is ending (which is also not part of our plan, by the way). I can easily let myself slip into this joyless spiral and camp out. Sometimes feeling like I can see myself reacting poorly but can't realign things properly.

We just recently watched "Inside Out" as a family. (Oh my word! That movie could have been an entire class in my Grad School program for Social Work. So very creative, accurate, and informative. It's definitely worth seeing if you haven't already.) In the movie, Riley's feelings (Joy, Disgust, Anger, Sadness, Fear) are watching her spiral down as they watch her core memories crumble to pieces in her brain. Joy gets tossed out of the control center so the others are left in charge. This is how I feel--like I'm watching from the control panel but Joy isn't there to keep everything running smoothly. And while I know this isn't who I want to be or how I want to live, it's easy to keep Joy locked once the other emotions get comfortable being in charge. It's harder to keep doing this when I see it playing out in my little girl.

My child, who is clearly going on twenty-four, was trying so hard to calm down and the tears just kept flowing. With desperation in her eyes she exclaimed, "I just don't know what is controlling me." This is not a phrase I use with her so I was a bit shocked that she was able to verbalize the out of control feeling so accurately. I knew we needed to meet this at the source. I told her Satan was trying to ruin her day with his poopy plan and we can't let him do it. So we stopped and said, "Satan, go sit on a tack with your poopy plan! In Jesus' name, amen!" Of course this was coupled with some Stress Away and Joy oils as well. And when you're 4, it's hard to say what helped realign you more: giggling at the word "poopy", oils, or Jesus. When you're over 30, you know that the first two are gifts from the One who can realign ANYthing!

At the end of Inside Out (spoiler alert), Joy realizes that the pivotal core memories are better when joy is marbled throughout them; that our most joyful moments are often coupled with sad ones as well. Satan tries his best to pour out all our joy (sometimes literally) and have us believe we can't have it anymore. We can get so focused on circumstances and happenings that we forget that JOY can be chosen and was designed to be marbled into our days. Christ is the reason we can experience joy at all.

Psalm 126: 3, 5 illustrates this idea beautifully:

The Lord has done great things for us, and we are filled with joy.

Those who sow with tears will reap with songs of joy. 

Plans get ruined, tears are cried, life happens. Satan spills our joy thinking that will be the end of it; that we will let the other emotions stay in charge. Admittedly, I've given them too much power. And while Satan can spill all my joy if he wants, he can't steal the One who supplies it!