No eye has seen...

I am addicted to Netflix and having seasons of shows on DVD! Why, you ask? Instant gratification. Gone are the days of commercials, cliff hangers and season finales!!

We have now watched all ten seasons of Friends. I watched them when they originally aired but Paul only saw them sporadically (oh, the horror). So we watched them in order from start to finish and it was glorious to finish a season and immediately put a new disk in to see what happened. I'll admit that we haven't made quite the same impressive progress in watching The Simpsons (sorry, honey).

Paul has also started showing me Smallville which the nerd inside me LOVES! Inside, he is very proud that his wife has come over to the nerd side. However, we only own four seasons (though he has seen all the seasons). After the ridiculous tornado episode that ended with Lana Lang IN the tornado and Clark Kent (Superman) trying to save her, I first said "Oh no, we're putting in the next disk." Then I informed him that we can't watch Season Four until we have borrowed, rented or purchased Season Five for fear we might be left in the same predicament with no way to see the next episode (gasp!).

And it's a good thing my husband thinks I'm cute because when the show gets intense or things don't look like they're going to work out, I incessantly poke him and ask "what happens?" Seldom do I get an answer because "he can't remember" or doesn't want to tell me because he thinks it will ruin it. Regardless of how many times I tell him that it won't ruin it for me, I seldom get answers. The other night, exasperated I said "But I NEED to know!! I don't get to know real life, I need to know TV life!"

This came flying out of my mouth before I knew it--and oh, boy is this a telling statement. This is exactly how I am. I like things to be labeled, I like having a plan and an itinerary. I enjoy knowing what's going to happen. And, yes, I realize that this is not how life works....which is precisely why I want to know what's going to occur in TV Land.

The really ironic part is that sometimes Paul does give me a clue about what's going to happen or outright tells me how it ends and typically I don't believe him. He gives me exactly the answer I wanted: the outcome of the show and I spend the rest of the episode thinking "How in the world is that going to happen like he said? That doesn't make sense." Through the power of Hollywood and creative writing, things usually end tied nicely in a box and what appeared impossible works out in the end. This is TV Land....

In Reality-ville, I often find myself unsure of how things are going to work out, incessantly poking God to find out the next step...I can feel sure of a particular path when I start and then when things take a turn, I question if I heard Him correctly or if I manipulated my Father's words. I completely discount how sure I felt at the outset of His urging. Paul speaks to this in 1 Corinthians 1:6-15:

We do, however, speak a message of wisdom among the mature, but not the wisdom of this age or of the rulers of this age, who are coming to nothing. No, we declare God's wisdom, a mystery that has been hidden and that God destined for our glory before time began. None of the rulers of this age understood it, for if they had, they would not have crucified the Lord of glory. However, it is written:

"'What no eye has seen,

what no ear has heard,

and what no human mind has conceived'

--the things God has prepared 

for those who love him--

these are the things God has revealed to us by his Spirit.

The Spirit searches all things, even the deep things of God. For who knows a person's thoughts except their own spirit within them? In the same way no one knows the thoughts of God except the Spirit of God. What we have received is not the spirit of the world, but the Spirit who is from God, so that we may understand what God has freely given us. This is what we speak, not in words taught us by human wisdom but in words taught by the Spirit, explaining spiritual realities within Spirit-taught words. The person without the Spirit does not accept the things that come from the Spirit of God but considers them foolishness, and cannot understand them because they are discerned only through the Spirit."
1 Corinthians 2:6-15

This is the PEACE we receive to choose a path, make a decision, etc--it's the Holy Spirit revealing things to our spirit that our eyes and ears can't know and likely wouldn't trust. Biblical stories show countless people who witnessed miracles with Jesus there and still struggled to believe. God knew we'd need the Holy Spirit to help out unbelief. Mark 9:14-30 tells the story of a the healing of a boy with an evil spirit. The boy has been possessed since childhood by an evil spirit that has made several attempts to kill him and has robbed him of his speech. The disciples were not successful in driving the spirit out and the father pleaded with Jesus "If you can do anything, take pity on us and help us!" Jesus replies "If you can? Everything is possible for him who believes." The father, having great love for his son, says "I do believe, help me overcome my unbelief!" he believed like Jesus stated but needed his help overcoming his unbelief...how true is this of my life?! I say "ok Lord, I'm with you...but did you see this? Are you aware of this? Oh, and remember this detail? Just making sure you saw all these aspects when you asked me to do x, y and z."

There are decisions in my life that I have felt 100% peace about--I was filled with an overwhelming knowledge and certainty of what course to take. To others it seemed CRAZY! Who am I kidding...to me it seemed crazy but there was still an inarguable, deep-to-the-core peace to walk in one direction over the other. This is when the rubber of faith meets the road of life...DO I have enough faith to trust that this is the Holy Spirit? Am I confident enough to say "this is what the Lord is telling me/us to do?"

Truthfully? Not always. I tend to take all the aspects of a situation and review them "to myself" (i.e. out loud just to make sure the Lord didn't miss something) and then move forward. There have been times when the Lord has moved so big and so fast that I didn't stop to think about anything (quitting my job without having another one lined up, getting married 98 days from our first date). I didn't stop because it was so clearly laid before me that I KNEW the Lord would take care if it. But, as the pleading father put it "I do believe, help me overcome my unbelief." Sometimes, my unbelief grows bigger than my belief. It's in these times when it's hard to just forge ahead without question. It is good to seek advice, it is good to not be rash and it is good to prepare. But it is better to allow the Spirit to guide my life and know that much of what he plans, if known in advance, would not be believed as possible.

My God is big enough to take my incessant poking but he also loves me enough to keep reminding me--through the poking--of the times he's been faithful and the gift I have been given in the Spirit. Even when my unbelief grows bigger than my belief, even when my eyes don't get it and my mind can't comprehend, the Spirit will guide my spirit!

"In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness.

We do not know what we ought to pray for,

but the Spirit himself intercedes for use with groans that words cannot express.

And he who searches our hearts knows the mind of the Spirit,

because the spirit intercedes for the saints in accordance with God's will."

Romans 8:26-27

"Because I said so..."

Am I allowed to be mad at God? The bible describes God as serving many roles....he is our friend, our father, our savior, our groom...this begs the questions:

Is it ok to be mad at a friend?
Is is ok to be mad at a parent?
It is acceptable to be mad at a spouse, fiance or significant other?

Anger is not a sin ("In your anger, do not sin." Ephesians 4:26. Scripture does not say 'don't be angry', it says don't sin when you are angry. This tells me a couple of things: 1) he knows that we are going to be angry and 2) he has given us the tools in HIM to work through that anger.

Regardless, it's taken me a long time to verbalize and even realize that 1) I am mad at God at times and 2) it's ok to tell him this. The Lord knows my heart and my thoughts anyway so if I feel like Cruella DeVil on the inside and try to show him Polly Anna on the outside, he's going to see straight through it. Being mad is also not written in stone--it's an emotion and it can be worked through. The fact that I got mad at a friend once doesn't mean I am forever mad at them. So why do I behave as if this holds true when I am ever mad at God? It's not a sentence ("Lord, I will be mad at you for the next five years!"); it's a journey ("Lord, this is NOT what I want and it hurts...meet me here and open my eyes to what you have for me in this!").

The truth is, there are situations in my life (both in the past and present) about which I am mad at God. I can't see why it has or is occurring and it's simply painful to walk through; painful emotionally and physically. I have driven home screaming and crying at the Lord and laying all my emotions out there in a not-so-ladylike fashion.  I have been/am just MAD! Hold onto this point and shift gears with me for a minute....

One of my least favorite answers growing up was "Because I said so." I vowed I would never use this phrase with my own children. In my mind, there must be a better explanation than simply "because I said so." Imagine my surprise when this came flying out of my mouth during my nanny days. We were deeply entrenched in three-year-old-boy land where the word of the day was always "why?" Often this was a harmless question literally about how things worked (why does the car make that noise, why does the lizard run when I try to catch it, etc). However, on this particular day, every request or direction was met with the insolent question "WHY?"

"Get in the car please." 
"Why?"
"Because we're going to the library."
"Why?"
"To go to story time."
"Why?"
"Because it's what we do every week." 
"Why?"
"Because I SAID SO! Please get in the car!"
"Ok, Rachel."

And there it was, in all its glory. Those four words I swore I would never say.

Why do we tell this to children? We tell them "because I said so" because, as illustrated above, it's often one of the only answers that doesn't elicit the response "why?" But more than this, we (care-giving adults) have been given authority over a child's decisions when they are small and we are trying to protect them. We protect them from being over tired (limiting activities), from things unseen (cancelling the pool trip because the big storm is coming), from harmful things (no playing in the street, don't get in the car with a stranger, etc), and from countless situations that have nothing to do with them.

Regardless of the the protection or authority we are given, you know that when your answer is given, most children don't like it. Like me, they think "Plan B" (i.e. anything other than what they wanted or expected) is the consolation prize. But we know that sometimes what's coming is so much better. We know that the reason we can't go get the coveted new toy today is because they are having a surprise party. We know that cancelling the beach trip this year due to hurricanes ensures safety and survival to take many more beach trips in the future. We know that sometimes it's good for them to be bored running errands or supporting a friend/family member to learn that life is not all about them.

Sometimes kids receive the consolation prize immediately (surprise party instead of toy shopping) and sometimes they wait a long time or may never see the day when the consolation prize is explained. This is where this comes full circle. They get mad, disappointed and sometimes assume this is meant for harm. BUT, no matter what, we (the care-giving adults) know that we are doing our job to protect them. And when there are events from which we can offer little protection, we provide comfort and love.

Why do we parent or take care of children this way? Because this is how it has been modeled by our Heavenly Father. I am his child and am often fully entrenched in 28-year-old-Rachel land where the word of the day is "Why?" He seldom provides a dissertation, nor does he have to, as to why situations occur. Why? Because he is GOD! He says his plans are to prosper and not harm us, he says he loves us, he says if we trust him as savior we are saved and most importantly, he says that all things are for HIS GLORY. There is no reason for him to prove or share the details of His plan....BECAUSE HE SAID SO. It is because of this realization that I can accept these four words that I never wanted to utter. He has authority over my life because I have accepted Christ into my heart--his goal in everything is to bring me closer to Him. 

Now let's connect all these dots....

As I told Jacob many times "You don't have to like my answer, but you have to accept it. Mommy put me in charge to protect you." Well, no one needed to put God in charge--He just is. I don't have to like his answer or the path he asks me to walk--I just have to accept it. If anyone other than the Lord told me "I just have to accept it" my blood would have boiled. Honestly, I get close to the boiling point even when the Lord utters these words to me. It makes me angry sometimes to hear what the Lord is asking me to do. Even though I have learned many times that everything he plans for me is ultimately for His glory and my benefit, I still don't like that he offers me what feels like a consolation prize. But the beauty is that He can take my anger, he knows it's in my heart and he's still there with open arms when I return ready to accept the next step. And what's even more amazing is that a "consolation prize" from the Lord is far better than any Plan A I can ever imagine.

The moral of the story: It's ok to get angry at God for the path he asks me to walk. I need to walk through this anger, talk to him about it and then we can keep walking together. My anger over a situation does not mean I don't have faith or don't love my Savior anymore. It simply means that the part I can understand is not what I want. My anger is not a ploy to get my way. My anger is part of the pathway that must be walked to arrive at the destination He has for me....because He said so.

PS-- The Lord speaks to us at the perfect time in just such a way that we cannot deny it's his voice! In my last post, Dark Chocolate Days, I mentioned a message from the Lord that he cleverly gave me through my Dove chocolate. We have now eaten every chocolate in that bag and not a single other piece contained the same message...the world would say this was coincidence but my heart knows better! Lord, thanks for dipping your message in chocolate!