HOPE does not disappoint...

Romans 5:1-5, NIV (emphasis mine)

Therefore, since we have been justified through faith, 

we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, 

through whom we have gained access by faith into this grace in which we now stand. 

And we rejoice in the hope of the glory of God. 

Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, 

because we know that suffering produces perseverance; 

perseverance, character; and character, hope. 

And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured our his love 

into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us. 

Throughout the disappointments in life, I have often attempted to console myself by saying "I shouldn't have gotten my hopes up" or "I'm trying not to get my hopes up until I know what's going to happen." I had a revelation recently when I read this passage in Romans."...suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope." After reading several translations of this passage, I moved on to the thesaurus:

suffering

difficulty, ache, misfortune, agonize, disadvantage, 

impaired, endure, affliction, ordeal, discomfort

perseverance

steadfastness, tenacity, purposefulness, diligence,

stamina, diligence, hard work, dedication, endurance

character

courage, honor, uprightness, status, 

integrity, intelligence, reputation

hope

utopia, confidence, achievement, belief, anticipation, 

desire, expectancy, endurance, faith

When I plugged in any of these synonyms into the scripture, the passage really started to speak and come alive. Then it hit me! My mindset of not getting my hopes up and my typical way of dealing with challenges is OPPOSITE of the way this passage outlines. And it's exactly how Satan wants us to go through life. Like the first image shows below, sufferings are the gray, all encompassing cloud. This cloud effects our perseverance which in turn, effects our character and in the end, the only thing left is a tiny bit of hope. While it's present, we arrived there because everything else was stripped away when the suffering took control. 

I earnestly believe this is not how He intended this passage to be interpreted. It should look more like the second image above. As I was milling over the words and reading the various translations, it started to become clear. Our sufferings (big, small and everything in between) help to create and fuel our perseverance. This molds our character which allows us to rest on the foundation of HOPE. It's not all that's left; it's what all the other stuff was pointing us towards all along. 

Now, does this mean that our sufferings never knock the wind out of us? That it will never feel like the rug was ripped out from under our feet? That I am not being faithful if I break down in tears over life's circumstances? Certainly not! Life is hard and Satan is working as hard as he can to remove hope all together.  So what does this mean? I don't have the answer for everyone, but what I can share is what the Lord spoke to me...."Are you getting your hopes up for something I have promised you or something the world has promised you? Notice verse 5, Rachel, verse 5." 

Romans 5:5, NLT

And this hope will not lead to disappointment. For we know how

dearly God loves us, because he has given us the Holy Spirit 

to fill our hearts with his love.

The sufferings and the part I can see now might be disappointing. But His word says that the HOPE we have in Christ will not lead to disappointment. How does this work? Having the faith to trust that sometimes what I perceive as bad serves a very real purpose for His glory. And knowing that no matter how hard it gets, I am not alone and God has not forgotten about me.

We talked recently about expectations in our Sunday school class. The long and short of it was that there are two kinds of expectations: inherent and assigned. If I expect rain to be wet, that is an inherent expectation because water is wet. If I expect rain to taste like candy, this is an assigned expectation because it is not part of water's make-up. This same thing can be applied to God. I can expect him to do what his word says, I can expect him to act out of love, I can expect him to be good, I can expect him to hear my prayers. All of these things are inherent in who God is. If I expect him to give me everything I ask for when I ask for it, make me a millionaire instantly and wipe cancer off the earth, these are assigned expectations. God is capable of all these things, but they are still expectations I am placing upon him rather than characteristics he already possesses.

God could take all my sufferings away and make my life like the ending of any Disney movie. But if this passage is true, and I believe that it is, my sufferings (and those in this world) are instrumental to seeing the beauty and majesty of the HOPE we have in Christ. A HOPE that will NOT disappoint and will overflow upon us:

Romans 5:3-5, The Message

In alert expectancy such as this, we're never left feeling shortchanged.

Quite the contrary--we can't round up enough containers to hold

everything God generously pours into our lives through the Holy Spirit.

I'm still going to cry when things are disappointing, and life is going to seem unfair sometimes. I'm going to have sleepless nights and days when I just can't see past the suffering. But as long as I allow the HOPE to influence my suffering rather than the suffering to dictate my hope then Satan hasn't won. As we sang in VBS when I was a child "If the devil doesn't like it, he can sit on a tack!"

Day 555: Hope deferred makes the heart sick....

...but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life. Proverbs 12:13

For the 6th month in a row, I got my hopes up and was devastated when we found out were weren't pregnant AGAIN. I know to those who are struggling (or have struggled) with infertility this might seem like a drop in the bucket but in the midst of it, it has felt like an eternity.

A couple of posts ago, I put the lyrics to Laura Story's song "Blessings"--this song has been resonating in my heart for the past month, but it came full circle this last week. I had been having potential pregnancy symptoms and had even circled the day on my calendar that I was allowed to take a pregnancy test--the countdown had begun! Paul and I are both so excited to become parents and hopefully impart some level of wisdom to our kids. And then...the dream shattered again this month...no baby. My rock of a husband sweetly held me and told me it would be ok. Even through my sobbing questions of "what if we never have a baby?" he was filled with scripture and silence at all the right times. The next day was a chore at work. No, that's not strong enough. It was like walking through mud while wearing cement boots. It's no big secret that the novelty of my job has long since worn off. I've definitely been taken me out of my comfort zone of social situations and put  in a cube on the phone all day long...but, this is where the Lord has me and I know that to be just as true today as the day I left the interview.

So back to my cement boots in the mud. I fought tears all day and felt very discouraged and disappointed and was mad at God. That's right, he can take it--I was mad we weren't pregnant, mad that this is my job and mad that I still feel like my purpose is not defined. There is a picture in my living room of my mom and me. I'm still in a high chair and we are at some church function and she is spoon-feeding me something yummy. The expression on her face says "life can't get any better"--I want this!! Laying down my own desires is hard. I think I realized this week that one of the reasons I want to be a mom so desperately right now is that I have this undercurrent of thoughts that it is THE purpose for me in life. I am not as good a wife as I thought I would be (ok, being a good wife does not come as easily to me as I thought it would), I feel like I have had a string of unfulfilling jobs (even though they have contained aspects where I can see the Lord's fingerprints) and I really want to do something that makes me feel fulfilled. Being a mom must be it, right?  BUT the piece I am missing is at the end of this song ("Blessings") I am now obsessed with:

what if my greatest disappointments, and the aching of this life

is the revealing of a greater thirst, this world can't satisfy

 In January, I started reading through the One Year Bible and by His grace I am still on track. After my "cement boot" day trudging through mud, I was home on the treadmill reading the passages for that day and crying (sounds waaaay more dangerous now than in the moment). The Psalm for the day was Psalm 126:1-5. It talks about those the Lord brought back from captivity. They left with tears and came back with joy.

1 When the LORD brought back the captives to Zion,

we were like men who dreamed.

2 Our mouths were filled with laughter, our tongues with songs of joy. Then it was said among the nations, "The LORD has done great things for them."
3 The LORD has done great things for us, and we are filled with joy. 4 Restore our fortunes, O LORD, like streams in the Negev. 5 Those who sow in tears will reap with songs of joy.

I knew I'd landed on this Psalm before and then it hit me! I have a birthday card hanging in my cubicle of a brunette little girl jumping on the beach as a wave approaches. Guess what verse is on that card? You guessed it!

I have always loved this card because of the message, and while it keeps it in its proper context, I had never read the entire Psalm. Looking at all 5 verses adds so much power to the message. It came alive for a couple of reasons:   

• Captivity: this is how I feel at work. I feel like I am out of place and don't really enjoy it but the repeated answer from the Lord is "I have a plan and purpose, trust me." 
• Going out with tears and returning with joy: even though this season feels bad now and I think I'm an emotional wreck, going out towards what the Lord has (even with tears) and trusting God means returning with joy every time!

A couple of weeks ago, part of the daily reading in the One Year Bible was 1 Samuel 1 and 2. I encourage you to read these two chapters for yourself to fully grasp the message. The story is of Elkanah and Hannah. The Lord had closed Hannah's womb and because of this, her rival "kept provoking her in order to irritate her." For years, Hannah longed for a baby but was provoked to tears by her rival because she was unable to have children. Despite this provoking and heartache, Hannah was honest with the Lord and poured out her soul ("I have been praying here out of my great anguish and grief."). And, then verse 20 in all it's glory:

"So in the course of time Hannah conceived and gave birth to a son.

She named him Samuel, saying, "Because I asked the Lord for him."

If I had my way, this would read "instantly Hannah conceived..." (I know, I know...the queen of patience.) Nevertheless this was a very timely passage because it shows clearly the Lord's faithfulness and compassion to Hannah's outpouring of her heart! How wonderful is that?!?! Despite the provoking from her rival, she continued to pour out her soul, she remained faithful and in return, the Lord gave her a son. Continuing through chapter 2 you see an amazing prayer of thanksgiving and praise when she dedicated him to the Lord. She continued in her faithfulness and received the blessing of 3 sons and 2 daughters. She received over and beyond what she ever could have imagined and all of this was sparked by her despair and grief while her womb was closed. Again, I encourage you to read at least these 2 chapters for yourself because I am certainly not doing the story justice.

What this journey (so far) has allowed me to see is the strength of my husband. I've always known it was there but have not needed it like I have in the past few months. Knowing someone is strong and relying on their strength are very different. When you can't be strong, can't encourage yourself, and can't feel or hear the Lord's promises, the strength of someone you love is amplified. I have also realized what an amazing blessing this time really is. We would welcome a baby tomorrow if that is what the Lord had, but in the meantime, our simple nights on the couch watching Smallville (or whatever series is next in the queue) are priceless and wonderful!!

The Lord has spent much of the last week connecting a lot of dots for me in this journey. On my way home from work today Paul and I were talking on the phone and yet another dot was revealed....the Lord rejoices with us when things go well, but it was not until I was in what felt like the deepest valley, sobbing over not being pregnant this month that I was able to hear him this clearly. And more than just hearing...because I was out of my own strength, I couldn't stand in the way of what He was telling me. I was able to hear His words from those around me and really take them in (like the sage advice from my mom to try and enjoy this time with my husband). In the midst of tears when I thought things were crumbling, TRUTH was crashing down on me so clearly there was no way to miss it. It was a process not an epiphany; each day revealing a new "dot" and some fantastic (and sometimes hard to swallow) truth about my Savior. Unlike the dot-to-dots we did as kids, these dots aren't numbered so only God knows which one is next.

Do I wish I had more input on my dot-to-dot? Sometimes
Do I want a baby any less than I did last week? No. 
Do I want children more than I want to be obedient? No. 

Hope deferred makes the heart sick...

but a longing fulfilled is the tree of life. 

Proverbs 13:12

Beyond Imagination: Vol 2

Our speaker at a women's retreat in January, Shana Schutte, spoke extensively about vows that we make because of our perceptions of God. Her definition of vow was "an earnest promise that binds one to a specific behavior." There are healthy vows that can honor and bring us closer to God (marriage vows, for example). It's the unhealthy vows that get us into trouble. She makes the point in her book that we make unhealthy vows as a result of feeling betrayed by God. This led to a revelation I have spent the last few months trying to wrap my brain around...

When I was job hunting I was drawn to "assistant" jobs....executive assistant, administrative assistant, etc. I am highly critical of myself and others (if I'm honest) and have a voice in my head telling me that I can't do certain jobs. When I finally got up the courage to apply for a job in my field of education--Social Work, I was very particular about which areas I would even entertain. As I thought about what I wanted to do in life I kept settling on various friends who have shared their dreams with me--how could I help them?!?! And while I love helping others, I was left unsatisfied with my purpose being the dreams the Lord laid on others' hearts. 

As the Lord was speaking to me about various vows I have made, He made it clear to me and brought a certain memory to mind. During my grad school internship I made an error. I was left in charge of something and thought I could take care of it on my own. My pride stopped me from asking for help and while everything was sorted out in the end and no one got hurt it was an error that never should have happened. My supervisor was reprimanded and it was my fault. For a girl that likes to follow the rules, who grew up being teacher's pet and was scared at the thought of breaking the rules, this was a big deal. I was given a job and did not measure up to the expectations.

The bigger deal is how I have allowed this to dictate my life...because I felt like such a failure, I assumed this meant that any other "major" thing I was given would fail as well. Clearly God's plan for me was to be the assistant in life--sure I can plan events and showers and help with retreats but in dealing with the major life stuff I could only be the assistant. Since I had decided God allowed me to fail, I has also decided he didn't have anything bigger planned for me. Not that I ever expected to have my name in lights on Broadway or anything but I did want to have a passion and a purpose that was clear!

Recalling this memory also explains why I tend to behave in Monica-esque fashion. I like to take control of most situations and make a plan, I could make a list of the lists I have and I get antsy when I am only doing one thing at a time. Paul and I just finished watching all 10 seasons of Friends. Throughout the 10 seasons, Paul often sarcastically said "That doesn't sound familiar at all," in reference to something Monica said or did. While this is funny and entertaining, the aspect God revealed to me was that a lot of my Monica-esque behavior is my attempt to control the world around me. Since I failed in that major situation, the only way to keep it from occurring again was to manage everything. I can see today how unrealistic it is to never fail but because of the vow I had unknowingly made with the Lord, I wasn't even aware I was attempting to do this.

Previously I had a job where I was given a lot of responsibility and in my opinion, I worked hard and did a good job. A mantra I heard often there was "we need to be proactive, not reactive." Don't get me wrong, being prepared in life is not a bad thing. Looking at a situation and being prepared for the likely outcome or even the unlikely outcome is not always a bad idea. But this consistent, repetitive mantra was fed into my already self-critical nature and I found myself constantly saying/thinking things like:

• How did I not anticipate this?
• Why did I not think about that aspect?
• How could I have missed something?
• Is there something I'm missing?
• Have we looked at this for every possible angle?
• I did not think this through enough.
• This was so obvious, how can everyone not see it.

Remember the situation from grad school where God allowed me to fail? These obsessive questions fed right into the supposed truths I now believed about myself. If I could look at every angle then I would not fail. To further compound this, I was working in an environment where this mantra was not a suggestion but an expectation (having to react to a situation rather than be proactive and prepared = epic failure). Add all of this together with my controlling tendencies and "Monica" characteristics and you have the perfect storm to continue fueling this vow that God had betrayed me and I was never going to have a larger purpose.

I'm not quite sure what the Lord is doing with my new revelation but I do know that he is shaping me.We wouldn't know we're growing without a few growing pains, right? I am not completed, my purpose has not passed and is not insignificant. And when I fail, the Lord will still use me. I think I want to change that mantra from my old job...Let the Lord be proactive by reacting with praise! No matter how hard I try, I can't know every possible outcome. I can however, use the intellect God gave me and make good, prayerful decisions knowing the Lord is the author of my life. A life that is far beyond anything I can ever dream of or create in my head ("Better is one day in your courts, than thousands elsewhere." Psalm 84:10) Corie ten Boom sums it up best here:

‎"Every experience God gives us, every person he brings into our lives, is the perfect preparation for the future that only he can see."