Day 555: Hope deferred makes the heart sick....

...but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life. Proverbs 12:13

For the 6th month in a row, I got my hopes up and was devastated when we found out were weren't pregnant AGAIN. I know to those who are struggling (or have struggled) with infertility this might seem like a drop in the bucket but in the midst of it, it has felt like an eternity.

A couple of posts ago, I put the lyrics to Laura Story's song "Blessings"--this song has been resonating in my heart for the past month, but it came full circle this last week. I had been having potential pregnancy symptoms and had even circled the day on my calendar that I was allowed to take a pregnancy test--the countdown had begun! Paul and I are both so excited to become parents and hopefully impart some level of wisdom to our kids. And then...the dream shattered again this month...no baby. My rock of a husband sweetly held me and told me it would be ok. Even through my sobbing questions of "what if we never have a baby?" he was filled with scripture and silence at all the right times. The next day was a chore at work. No, that's not strong enough. It was like walking through mud while wearing cement boots. It's no big secret that the novelty of my job has long since worn off. I've definitely been taken me out of my comfort zone of social situations and put  in a cube on the phone all day long...but, this is where the Lord has me and I know that to be just as true today as the day I left the interview.

So back to my cement boots in the mud. I fought tears all day and felt very discouraged and disappointed and was mad at God. That's right, he can take it--I was mad we weren't pregnant, mad that this is my job and mad that I still feel like my purpose is not defined. There is a picture in my living room of my mom and me. I'm still in a high chair and we are at some church function and she is spoon-feeding me something yummy. The expression on her face says "life can't get any better"--I want this!! Laying down my own desires is hard. I think I realized this week that one of the reasons I want to be a mom so desperately right now is that I have this undercurrent of thoughts that it is THE purpose for me in life. I am not as good a wife as I thought I would be (ok, being a good wife does not come as easily to me as I thought it would), I feel like I have had a string of unfulfilling jobs (even though they have contained aspects where I can see the Lord's fingerprints) and I really want to do something that makes me feel fulfilled. Being a mom must be it, right?  BUT the piece I am missing is at the end of this song ("Blessings") I am now obsessed with:

what if my greatest disappointments, and the aching of this life

is the revealing of a greater thirst, this world can't satisfy

 In January, I started reading through the One Year Bible and by His grace I am still on track. After my "cement boot" day trudging through mud, I was home on the treadmill reading the passages for that day and crying (sounds waaaay more dangerous now than in the moment). The Psalm for the day was Psalm 126:1-5. It talks about those the Lord brought back from captivity. They left with tears and came back with joy.

1 When the LORD brought back the captives to Zion,

we were like men who dreamed.

2 Our mouths were filled with laughter, our tongues with songs of joy. Then it was said among the nations, "The LORD has done great things for them."
3 The LORD has done great things for us, and we are filled with joy. 4 Restore our fortunes, O LORD, like streams in the Negev. 5 Those who sow in tears will reap with songs of joy.

I knew I'd landed on this Psalm before and then it hit me! I have a birthday card hanging in my cubicle of a brunette little girl jumping on the beach as a wave approaches. Guess what verse is on that card? You guessed it!

I have always loved this card because of the message, and while it keeps it in its proper context, I had never read the entire Psalm. Looking at all 5 verses adds so much power to the message. It came alive for a couple of reasons:   

• Captivity: this is how I feel at work. I feel like I am out of place and don't really enjoy it but the repeated answer from the Lord is "I have a plan and purpose, trust me." 
• Going out with tears and returning with joy: even though this season feels bad now and I think I'm an emotional wreck, going out towards what the Lord has (even with tears) and trusting God means returning with joy every time!

A couple of weeks ago, part of the daily reading in the One Year Bible was 1 Samuel 1 and 2. I encourage you to read these two chapters for yourself to fully grasp the message. The story is of Elkanah and Hannah. The Lord had closed Hannah's womb and because of this, her rival "kept provoking her in order to irritate her." For years, Hannah longed for a baby but was provoked to tears by her rival because she was unable to have children. Despite this provoking and heartache, Hannah was honest with the Lord and poured out her soul ("I have been praying here out of my great anguish and grief."). And, then verse 20 in all it's glory:

"So in the course of time Hannah conceived and gave birth to a son.

She named him Samuel, saying, "Because I asked the Lord for him."

If I had my way, this would read "instantly Hannah conceived..." (I know, I know...the queen of patience.) Nevertheless this was a very timely passage because it shows clearly the Lord's faithfulness and compassion to Hannah's outpouring of her heart! How wonderful is that?!?! Despite the provoking from her rival, she continued to pour out her soul, she remained faithful and in return, the Lord gave her a son. Continuing through chapter 2 you see an amazing prayer of thanksgiving and praise when she dedicated him to the Lord. She continued in her faithfulness and received the blessing of 3 sons and 2 daughters. She received over and beyond what she ever could have imagined and all of this was sparked by her despair and grief while her womb was closed. Again, I encourage you to read at least these 2 chapters for yourself because I am certainly not doing the story justice.

What this journey (so far) has allowed me to see is the strength of my husband. I've always known it was there but have not needed it like I have in the past few months. Knowing someone is strong and relying on their strength are very different. When you can't be strong, can't encourage yourself, and can't feel or hear the Lord's promises, the strength of someone you love is amplified. I have also realized what an amazing blessing this time really is. We would welcome a baby tomorrow if that is what the Lord had, but in the meantime, our simple nights on the couch watching Smallville (or whatever series is next in the queue) are priceless and wonderful!!

The Lord has spent much of the last week connecting a lot of dots for me in this journey. On my way home from work today Paul and I were talking on the phone and yet another dot was revealed....the Lord rejoices with us when things go well, but it was not until I was in what felt like the deepest valley, sobbing over not being pregnant this month that I was able to hear him this clearly. And more than just hearing...because I was out of my own strength, I couldn't stand in the way of what He was telling me. I was able to hear His words from those around me and really take them in (like the sage advice from my mom to try and enjoy this time with my husband). In the midst of tears when I thought things were crumbling, TRUTH was crashing down on me so clearly there was no way to miss it. It was a process not an epiphany; each day revealing a new "dot" and some fantastic (and sometimes hard to swallow) truth about my Savior. Unlike the dot-to-dots we did as kids, these dots aren't numbered so only God knows which one is next.

Do I wish I had more input on my dot-to-dot? Sometimes
Do I want a baby any less than I did last week? No. 
Do I want children more than I want to be obedient? No. 

Hope deferred makes the heart sick...

but a longing fulfilled is the tree of life. 

Proverbs 13:12