Surprises, Waiting and Life Lessons Learned from Pregnancy

Our sweet Lucy is due in just 7 days! That's really NOT that long in the grand scheme of things--but sometimes I miss the grand scheme of things;-)

Truthfully, pregnancy has been full of surprises for me. I expected all the symptoms, ailments, weight gain and really expected 40 weeks of being uncomfortable in one way or another. I was super surprised to only have nausea for about 2 weeks at the beginning. Even though I wasn't surprised at how my body changed to accommodate this growing baby, I was surprised at how soon in pregnancy those changes occurred. While there have been hormonal mood swings and crying at the smallest things, even my husband would admit that it hasn't been bad at all. Food cravings never sent me on a quest for random out of season fruit or banana and pickle sandwiches; instead I've had a recent craving to eat more ice cream! My most consistent symptom has been lethargy and that simply means more naps--WIN!! And for a girl who has always struggled with her weight, the pregnancy weight gain has been healthy but minimal. I say all of this not to boast or brag but to say how thankful and surprised I have been by the ease of this pregnancy--something I know not every pregnant woman experiences.

In addition, it has flown by in record speed! That was until someone flipped a switch at week 37 and time started moving like molasses. Overnight, there were aches, pains and soreness coupled with not sleeping soundly, which exacerbates everything. Plus I was overtaken by a desire to meet this baby God picked to put in our lives. At first, the impatience started as a joke after we installed the car seat in the car. Now we had all the "essential" items for bringing home baby so naturally, she had the green light to come into the world. But, as the aches increased, so too did the impatience.

Paul and I had decided long ago that our "birth plan" was to simply have a baby. We have both confidence and trust in our OB and are comfortable with the information we've gotten on where we'll deliver and what that process will look like. We know that we want it to be just the two of us in the room when she is born and other than that, we didn't have anything else in our plan (which is, again, surprising for a control freak like me).

I was excited about how much I was "letting go" of the details I know I can't control. But then, slowly, things started to fall apart. There are several family members that may not be able to be in town when she is born due to work and other reasons. While the reasons are all 100% understandable, it's disappointing nevertheless that they might not be present. And while the app on my phone is counting down with absolute certainty, I know that there's no guarantee she's coming on her due date (moving the finish line is not nice even if you've known all along there's the potential for it to move). Then add in the increased discomfort and time seemingly standing still, plus the undercurrent beneath it all--an overwhelming, indescribable desire to meet this tiny person I feel wiggling constantly; the daughter God chose me to mother and Paul to father; the tiny person whose laundry I've washed and whose room I've prepped for months.

Put all of this together with hormones and WHAM! Disappointment! And more disappointment with each continued day of waiting. And then, as any good Baptist does, pile on the guilty feelings over not being thankful enough for this amazing blessing; not being Polly Anna straight through contractions and delivery; and for not persevering in the race marked out for me! Oy!

Phew! Are you tired yet? I know I am! And God knew it, too. I left the doctor's office this morning, having heard her sweet heartbeat and being told how great everything looked, and just sobbed. Partially because of hormones and partially out of disappointment that I wasn't sent straight to labor and delivery. Instead, we scheduled an induction for 6/11 just in case she's still relaxing in there (although she still has time to make her entrance on her own terms). In the hours that followed my appointment this morning, and after talking to my sweet husband (who faithfully responded with "Let's pray about this, sweetie.") and my mom (who can transport herself back and know in an instant how I'm feeling) I heard the Lord ask "WHY are you disappointed?"

Hmmmmmm.....WHY? Why am I really disappointed?

1) Even though we really don't have a vision of how her birth day will go, apparently there have been some assumptions I've made in my head and/or my heart about how it will look. Thus, the uncertainties wrapped up in any birth are threatening these assumptions I've made.
2) I really want to prove that first babies can and do sometimes come before their due dates. People keep telling me I'm foolish for entertaining this idea. Truthfully, there are equal numbers of people telling me that first babies always come early and first babies always come late and equal number of people who have experienced each extreme. Neither is any more foolish than the other.
3) As mentioned above, there is this overwhelming, indescribable desire to meet this tiny person. God has blessed us beyond measure with her already and I've never even held her in my hands. It is an honor to have been chosen as her parents and I just can't contain my excitement--I want it NOW.

And the response I got back, once I came to these wonderfully unattractive, controlling conclusions above? "STOP and let me do this." Hmmmm...seems like he's told me this before?! Truth be told, this is my go-to lesson from the Lord. And honestly, our path to parenthood was a HUGE hurdle in this lesson for me. Through our journey, I learned very quickly how to let go and let God because there was NO other option. And I think I was riding the wave from that lesson for the first 37 weeks of this pregnancy. And then, BOOM! Coasting wasn't enough anymore and I crashed.

The life lesson, you ask? Coasting is not a choice. Coasting is not enough. Coasting is not sufficient for a daily walk with the Lord. I know Lucy is going to have her own "life lesson" that God is going to teach her throughout her life regardless of the situation at hand. I pray, however, that I can be open enough with her to share the unattractive parts of my faith, the times when I coast and crash and all the times in between for her to see authentic, imperfect faith in her mother. I pray that in doing this, she will remember me not for the things I lack but for the things I allowed God to perfect in me.

Am I still overwhelmingly ready to meet her? Ummm, yes!
Am I still disappointed that I'm not holding her right now? Definitely!
Do I still want to prove that first babies can come before their due date? Pridefully, yes?
Am I thankful that God had me crash from my coasting before she arrived rather than collapse in a puddle shortly after her birth? Without question, yes!

Do I trust that God really is in control of my life and really does have my best interests at heart? 100%, no questions asked, YES--the concept is fully grasped (i.e., I know this is the right answer), it's the execution that's a bit amiss (i.e., living daily, no matter the circumstance, reciting this truth)--and thus, this is the exact place where my God is meeting me now.