Our speaker at a women's retreat in January, Shana Schutte, spoke extensively about vows that we make because of our perceptions of God. Her definition of vow was "an earnest promise that binds one to a specific behavior." There are healthy vows that can honor and bring us closer to God (marriage vows, for example). It's the unhealthy vows that get us into trouble. She makes the point in her book that we make unhealthy vows as a result of feeling betrayed by God. This led to a revelation I have spent the last few months trying to wrap my brain around...
When I was job hunting I was drawn to "assistant" jobs....executive assistant, administrative assistant, etc. I am highly critical of myself and others (if I'm honest) and have a voice in my head telling me that I can't do certain jobs. When I finally got up the courage to apply for a job in my field of education--Social Work, I was very particular about which areas I would even entertain. As I thought about what I wanted to do in life I kept settling on various friends who have shared their dreams with me--how could I help them?!?! And while I love helping others, I was left unsatisfied with my purpose being the dreams the Lord laid on others' hearts.
As the Lord was speaking to me about various vows I have made, He made it clear to me and brought a certain memory to mind. During my grad school internship I made an error. I was left in charge of something and thought I could take care of it on my own. My pride stopped me from asking for help and while everything was sorted out in the end and no one got hurt it was an error that never should have happened. My supervisor was reprimanded and it was my fault. For a girl that likes to follow the rules, who grew up being teacher's pet and was scared at the thought of breaking the rules, this was a big deal. I was given a job and did not measure up to the expectations.
The bigger deal is how I have allowed this to dictate my life...because I felt like such a failure, I assumed this meant that any other "major" thing I was given would fail as well. Clearly God's plan for me was to be the assistant in life--sure I can plan events and showers and help with retreats but in dealing with the major life stuff I could only be the assistant. Since I had decided God allowed me to fail, I has also decided he didn't have anything bigger planned for me. Not that I ever expected to have my name in lights on Broadway or anything but I did want to have a passion and a purpose that was clear!
Recalling this memory also explains why I tend to behave in Monica-esque fashion. I like to take control of most situations and make a plan, I could make a list of the lists I have and I get antsy when I am only doing one thing at a time. Paul and I just finished watching all 10 seasons of Friends. Throughout the 10 seasons, Paul often sarcastically said "That doesn't sound familiar at all," in reference to something Monica said or did. While this is funny and entertaining, the aspect God revealed to me was that a lot of my Monica-esque behavior is my attempt to control the world around me. Since I failed in that major situation, the only way to keep it from occurring again was to manage everything. I can see today how unrealistic it is to never fail but because of the vow I had unknowingly made with the Lord, I wasn't even aware I was attempting to do this.
Previously I had a job where I was given a lot of responsibility and in my opinion, I worked hard and did a good job. A mantra I heard often there was "we need to be proactive, not reactive." Don't get me wrong, being prepared in life is not a bad thing. Looking at a situation and being prepared for the likely outcome or even the unlikely outcome is not always a bad idea. But this consistent, repetitive mantra was fed into my already self-critical nature and I found myself constantly saying/thinking things like:
The bigger deal is how I have allowed this to dictate my life...because I felt like such a failure, I assumed this meant that any other "major" thing I was given would fail as well. Clearly God's plan for me was to be the assistant in life--sure I can plan events and showers and help with retreats but in dealing with the major life stuff I could only be the assistant. Since I had decided God allowed me to fail, I has also decided he didn't have anything bigger planned for me. Not that I ever expected to have my name in lights on Broadway or anything but I did want to have a passion and a purpose that was clear!
Recalling this memory also explains why I tend to behave in Monica-esque fashion. I like to take control of most situations and make a plan, I could make a list of the lists I have and I get antsy when I am only doing one thing at a time. Paul and I just finished watching all 10 seasons of Friends. Throughout the 10 seasons, Paul often sarcastically said "That doesn't sound familiar at all," in reference to something Monica said or did. While this is funny and entertaining, the aspect God revealed to me was that a lot of my Monica-esque behavior is my attempt to control the world around me. Since I failed in that major situation, the only way to keep it from occurring again was to manage everything. I can see today how unrealistic it is to never fail but because of the vow I had unknowingly made with the Lord, I wasn't even aware I was attempting to do this.
Previously I had a job where I was given a lot of responsibility and in my opinion, I worked hard and did a good job. A mantra I heard often there was "we need to be proactive, not reactive." Don't get me wrong, being prepared in life is not a bad thing. Looking at a situation and being prepared for the likely outcome or even the unlikely outcome is not always a bad idea. But this consistent, repetitive mantra was fed into my already self-critical nature and I found myself constantly saying/thinking things like:
- How did I not anticipate this?
- Why did I not think about that aspect?
- How could I have missed something?
- Is there something I'm missing?
- Have we looked at this for every possible angle?
- I did not think this through enough.
- This was so obvious, how can everyone not see it.
Remember the situation from grad school where God allowed me to fail? These obsessive questions fed right into the supposed truths I now believed about myself. If I could look at every angle then I would not fail. To further compound this, I was working in an environment where this mantra was not a suggestion but an expectation (having to react to a situation rather than be proactive and prepared = epic failure). Add all of this together with my controlling tendencies and "Monica" characteristics and you have the perfect storm to continue fueling this vow that God had betrayed me and I was never going to have a larger purpose.
I'm not quite sure what the Lord is doing with my new revelation but I do know that he is shaping me.We wouldn't know we're growing without a few growing pains, right? I am not completed, my purpose has not passed and is not insignificant. And when I fail, the Lord will still use me. I think I want to change that mantra from my old job...Let the Lord be proactive by reacting with praise! No matter how hard I try, I can't know every possible outcome. I can however, use the intellect God gave me and make good, prayerful decisions knowing the Lord is the author of my life. A life that is far beyond anything I can ever dream of or create in my head ("Better is one day in your courts, than thousands elsewhere." Psalm 84:10) Corie ten Boom sums it up best here:
I'm not quite sure what the Lord is doing with my new revelation but I do know that he is shaping me.We wouldn't know we're growing without a few growing pains, right? I am not completed, my purpose has not passed and is not insignificant. And when I fail, the Lord will still use me. I think I want to change that mantra from my old job...Let the Lord be proactive by reacting with praise! No matter how hard I try, I can't know every possible outcome. I can however, use the intellect God gave me and make good, prayerful decisions knowing the Lord is the author of my life. A life that is far beyond anything I can ever dream of or create in my head ("Better is one day in your courts, than thousands elsewhere." Psalm 84:10) Corie ten Boom sums it up best here:
"Every experience God gives us, every person he brings into our lives, is the perfect preparation for the future that only he can see."
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