Beyond Imagination: Vol 1

Last weekend, my church hosted a women's event entitled "Beyond Imagination" and our guest speaker was author Shana Schutte. Between her God-given messages and the amazing worship led by Jenna Lorick the Lord did a lot of speaking to my heart. And to be honest, I was not a huge fan of all he had to tell me...at first. But after really listening to His heart, I am on board and learning that a life of surrender is actually very exciting!!

God whispered several things to me--and it has taken me this entire week to really get to a place to get them down on "paper", so here's my best attempt...

We started trying to start a family in December and in my typically demanding fashion I told God, "Ok, you have until our first anniversary to give us a baby or change my heart." I mean, honestly, He knew I was thinking this so I might as well just say it out loud, right? I really wasn't demanding a pregnancy by March 13--I just knew that in December my heart could not see any other option so if that was not on the agenda the Lord would have to change my heart. and wouldn't you know it, He did. Sitting in the friendship hall of my church, singing:

I stand amazed in the presence
Of Jesus the Nazarene,
And wonder how He could love me,
A sinner, condemned, unclean.

Chorus:

O how marvelous! O how wonderful!
And my song shall ever be:
O how marvelous! O how wonderful!
Is my Savior's love for me!

He took my sins and my sorrows,
He made them His very own;
He bore the burden to Calvary,
And suffered and died alone.

When with the ransomed in glory
His face I at last shall see,
’Twill be my joy through the ages
To sing of His love for me.

With tears streaming from my eyes I heard him speak directly to me. "I'm not telling you that you aren't going to be a mom--it's just not going to be as soon as you wanted. I have a purpose for this new job--trust me." I didn't like this words and as the tears continued to flow I knew that half of them were from hearing my Savior so clearly and half were knowing I'd have to let go my plan. As we sang the chorus again I had this overwhelming thought--God is marvelous and wonderful simply because He's God. Regardless of when or if He gives me anything I desire He is marvelous and wonderful!! I still had this twinge of feeling like someone was trying to take away a toy I wasn't ready to let go of, though. 

To give you a bit more information, I have been job hunting since my nanny job ended in mid-December. I interviewed at a couple of places and plastered my resume everywhere I could. And received countless emails, texts and phone calls about bogus jobs in the "manufacturing field" that people felt I was perfectly suited for after reviewing my information (gotta love spam)!?! But then, one shining glimmer of hope--a phone call, an interview and PEACE! I walked away from the building knowing this is where the Lord had me. I didn't know why He had me here but I knew it was it. A week later I received an offer and I start work there on Monday. So when the Lord whispered that He had a plan with this new job, He was referring to this. 

As I processed my celestial message, I still didn't want to let go of my plan but I was also excited knowing I was right in the middle of His plan for me. I was slowly becoming more and more ok with our baby plans not occurring on my time table but this was still upsetting. It was a very strange place of being excited and disappointed simultaneously and about the exact same thing. Might this be the very definition of bittersweet!?!? We met in our small group after my message from above and I cried, I came home to Paul and shared my revelation and cried some more (and this time it was not the pretty crying where the tears just flow from your eyes...nope this was the shaking, wailing, sobbing, scrunchy-face ugly crying). My always cool-as-a-cucumber husband sweetly held me and simply stated "all in the Lord's timing." Such sweet sentiment--and true--but it just made the ugly crying worse!

Sunday we spent the evening with friends--one of whom is expecting. Someone commented "this could be you soon, Rach." I could feel the ugly crying coming on as I simply shook my head and said "No, I think it might be a bit longer." Not sure what I was thinking--I KNOW it will be a bit longer because God told me it would be a bit longer...oh, self protection! We chatted and I filled them in on my weekend revelation and then it was time to head home. Now that I had to reveal God's message to more than my husband, it was more real and a few tears escaped my eyes on the drive home. But, God knew what I needed and He knew that I needed another message INSTANTLY so he used the radio station. I sat in awe of my wonderful and marvelous God as I heard "I'm Letting Go" followed by "The Voice of Truth" and ending with "I Will Follow"!! Really, Lord, really?!? Ok. I hear you. I'm listening. I'm on board. Help me surrender to YOU."