I was drying my hair and somehow dropped the hairdryer. It hit the floor with a deafening crash yet continued running. Parts spilling out, wires visible, yet it was still running. I slide the switch to "off" to no avail; it kept running. I slid the temperature switch from hot to cool; hot air continued. It was plugged into the power source but somewhere there was clearly a disconnect. The hairdryer wasn't responding to the signals to stop running, stop blowing air, change the output.
I started to tear up standing in my bathroom because never was there a more accurate analogy to how my journey with antepartum/postpartum depression and anxiety has been. Feeling broken, insides spilling out and visible, and feeling like there is a distinct disconnect from my Source.
I have poured over scriptures about anxiety and prayed desperate prayers at all hours of the day.
I have also been comforted by scriptures of those struggling in the bible, those who are weary, defeated, and exhausted.
I have stood in my kitchen literally walking in circles unable to wrap my brain around the steps to make pasta for my family.
I have cried in various aisles at HEB trying to calculate which option is the better deal.
I have cried so many tears on my sweet baby's head from overwhelming guilt of not being able to produce enough milk for her (or any of her sisters).
I have chosen a particular brand of pacifier/bottles simply because of the marketing that read "feels the most like the mother's breast" (is this even true!?! are the babies confirming this for them?!?).
I have physically struggled to answer the question "What can I do to help?"
I have been too tired to sleep--who even knew that was a thing?!
I have been hyper-critical of my husband.
I have hulked out on my family more than I hope anyone remembers.
I have felt like there was a physical barrier to me accessing my faith--like throwing a ball against a low ceiling only to have it bounce back and smack you in the face.
I have wrestled with the idea that I am both not enough and I am enough simultaneously.
I have read other women's accounts of their own journeys and felt encouraged I am not alone and also so sad that there are others in this boat.
Admittedly, reading my bible hasn't always happened daily and it is something I am working to improve. Despite it all, feeling like I have been uprooted and knocked over, I have also seen God do a great many things through this....new life, new branches, new growth.
I have been encouraged by some amazing women of God who have walked their own unique, but similar, journey.
I have seen God provide counselors for us that can encourage us in the word, untangle my thoughts and feelings, and offer invaluable support.
I have learned, through counseling, that this has been a battle for longer than Paul or I realized.
I have felt layers of clouds lift as we have found better combinations of supplements and diet changes that are working for me.
I have a 4 year old who declared "Guess what I can say now?! Postpartum depression!" with the biggest smile on her face and all the pride she could find! This was a gift, because despite my struggles, my girls are getting a front row seat to how God works through hard things.
I have come to understand that even with Jesus, I will never be enough-that is why I need HIM. And because of my Creator, I am enough just the way He designed me (my own unattainable standards not withstanding).
I had a day recently where I texted a couple of friends saying that I felt more like myself than I had in a really long time. And then I have days where I can feel the clouds almost tangibly. And thankfully I have been given, and am continuing to learn, more tools to help navigate and handle the bouts of anxiety and depression. But more than anything else, I have seen God in a whole new light.
God intricately designed our bodies and everything from hormones to emotions to our brains to our digestive system--it is all interconnected--by design. So when I get sucked into thinking I just need to add a little more faith and a little more Jesus and this wouldn't be a struggle, I remember this is both a spiritual AND physical battle. More Jesus is never wrong and there is purpose in the hard (see the image below). Dealing with the physical disconnect (be it hormonal imbalances, adrenal fatigue, thyroid issues, lack of sleep, a mineral deficiency, etc) is also a vital part of the good, hard work of healing. Were I the lamp, and my bulb had burned out, no amount of electricity would make it turn on.
God is ALWAYS there when I call His name.
God hears me and sees me. God has not forgotten me.
God is good even when life is hard.
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